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NOT BAD

27 April 2018, 07:35

The rental is back home at the airport. Twas a nice ride – a 2017 Elantra. But there were brake and transmission hinks that made Hyundais something I would never buy. AND SPEAKING OF CARS, BUYING, and what not….

I have the Chevy back. The chevy has had just about everything of importance replaced in the last two weeks. It has a new timing belt, tension thingies, brakes, tires, altenator, battery and other things. I drove it this morning and drove it hard on the commute and it drove smooth, idles low and even and its building trust up with me. It’s not pretty to look at and the radio sucks unbelieveably but its seems like more than reliable temporary transportation. It’s going on craigslist or to one of my two friends who are interested in a cheap, reliable car. If it had better paint on the hood, I’d be driving it for a couple of months but, as it is, its kind of embarassing to drive – although it is right at home in Hee Haw, as all the other cars around me look to exist on the same eco-socionomic level as this car.

For the longest time, I’ve existed in a world where we were always “hustling” to get by. We had bad credit (or so I thought) we had sketchy circumstances (not me) and it felt like normal people had the advantages of getting loans and credit cards, being able to go up to a rental counter knowing they will get a car or be able to buy a house. It was always a dubious little existence, a game of three card monte of a life where I was always looking at my feet and making plans NOT to fail instead of constructing the paths to succeed. For five months or so now, I have been forced to look up. I have been, literally, towed into situations where I’ve had to stretch beyond where I thought my reach extended. I’ve had to now consider how to solve my problems, not by hustling, or cheating up a solution because of my sketchy existence, but by exploring the normal things people do. I’ve always considered myself a person living on the fringe – but I have since found out it wasn’t to me that these definitions apply.

The following is me exploring where I was, and where I am now – for you normal people, none of what I’ve accomplished is a big deal. But, again, I’ve said this before, you need to STFU and let me be proud of myself right now.

I’ve worked hard, paid bills on time, tried to do right by everyone, and face up to responsibility. But, still, I thought, “no, I can’t enter that world of responsible normalness.” Turns out, yeah. Yeah, I can. I am one of those people. I am WAY more one of those people than I ever thought. I am even several levels INTO being that responsible adult that I’ve seen around me. Inklings of my elevated status were hinted at around last year. I had started trying to rehabilitate my financial standing with a bank card, then a Kohl’s card, and after that, two REAL credit cards. I used them sparingly, and paid them off. I started paying off bills, and making deals with creditors – although, through this, I found out, I have no real debt. I owe $1,200 in medical debt. And that’s it. Oh, and taxes. Haven’t done that yet. But, damn, got off on a tangent, there. Well. All this regular, mundane slogging, which involved a lot of being broke, resulted in my bank approving me for a home loan. A real one. Not one of those shady predatory deals. This was truly something phenomenal to me, since the last outing at this, crashed and burned. I shopped for homes, keeping in mind budgets and bills and other things. I always kept in mind not to buy more than I could afford, and try to get the best value for my buck. Then, I found out, the bank would also give me a home improvement loan ON TOP OF the actual mortgage. That means I would get a big ole ass check for $30,000 to spend on the house that I bought. Shit. Yeah, I was thinking “pay off the credit cards, debt, buy a little car, and I’d still have $22,000 left over to remodel the bathroom.” I started putting myself on the level of the normal people.

Then. Yeah. Things crashed and burned. In a big way. Immediately, I was thrown into the financial rabbit hole and things just kept piling on. But I kept my accounts current and in good standing, I’ve never missed a payment, and I still clung to being a responsible person. I was doing fairly well, and then my car committed suicide, and I was, at the very least, despondent. But this put me in a situation of stretching even more, and, in a way, this involved having FAITH in myself. Getting an actual loan for a car, and spending not a small amount of money on a reliable vroom-vroom.

And, well, apparently my credit scores have gone up almost 100 points in the last month. I don’t know WHAT the fuck that’s all about.

This is the spiritual awakening you wouldn’t associate with being able to secure a long term loan with a big-ass monthly payment.

You have to have faith in yourself and your future to do this sort of thing. You HAVE to have faith and confidence that YOU are always going to be able to have a good job to take on a commitment like this. You can’t think “Shit, I’m just temporary – what if I’m not good enough to keep a job, keep all this going? then I’m stuck with a debt I can’t afford and things will get worse…” The situation I was in, this was a constant. There was no hope, by me, or anybody around me that this wasn’t a normal way to conduct life. You HAVE to have faith that even if things dip and things get bad, you have enough wherewithal to pull it out of the ditch. I am supremely confident I can do this, because 1) I am so much stronger, smarter and more capable than I was believing, and 2) I don’t have a giant dead weight wanting to drag me down to that level.

You also have to have the self esteem not to sit there and think, “I’m not deserving of a normal person life.” When you think this, you start NOT trying for a normal person life. You don’t TRY to, at least, get that car loan or buy that house. Believe me, I was flabbergasted at them giving me a car loan. I deserved this loan? I am trustworthy enough? I am worthy enough? Yes, whether you think it or not, a lot of individuals take things like this personally, and take the rejection as an indictment of their worth in the world.

If I were more confident, I would have gotten the rental and went straight to the car loan part of the timeline. I, instead, have a middle part that involves driving around this Chevy till I can sell it to someone. I have a choice of two cars I want to buy – one is an 2013 Eclipse with 78k miles, and the other is a 2015 Mazda3 sports touring thingie, that I didn’t know existed, but it looks absolutely awesome. And I am thinking of buying the house I’m renting. That’s an option, too. I feel almost all grown up and that I’ve leveled up in the game. It has been a little wickedly good stretch, this last week and a half. And, with my new plus-5 armour and bio-cannon that you get for being at this level, even if things do go south, I am equipped with the weapondry to conquer the dip.

Feels good to be in the advanced maps of adulthood.