| Now |

ONWARD

3 October 2008, 01:00

Man it’s fucking cold here. I’m sure it’s cold in Dodah, but there, I would have heat. I have first time landlords – nice little couple in their barely-20s who can’t really prioritize very well. I haven’t got the central heating unit in, yet they put up an insulated tool shed in the back. Roger me running, already. I’m going to use the next couple of weeks to look for another (any other) place to live, hopefully in the city.

Since it’s been a while, thought I’d update on things and events in general.

First. No fucking heat. This is pissing me off. I am suppose to be provided with real heat. I’m thinking it’s against the law not to – and not just a small electric heater that isn’t doing SHIT. Their excuse is “well, we have debt…” Fuck, I have debt. Everybody has debt. And if you have so much debt, where did the shed money come from? Yeah, the cold makes me really cranky. So far its only been a couple of nights that were icky. I was buried under the covers with two dogs keeping me warm. I think if there’s no movement in this area, I’m going to break the lease like it was a chicken bone.

Second. I got a ticket for driving with no insurance in Ken’s car back in Dodah for driving the car I don’t own, so I couldn’t get insurance on it. Good news is for $350, my lawyer Bob can take care of it (there maybe fines and whatnot after that). Bad news. I don’t really have $350 to spare. Can’t get rid of the car, because of the no title situation and can’t update the tags because of the aforementioned bullshit. I have a nefarious scheme that will allow me to have 09’ tags – but I’ll try all the legal routes before attempting a Duh-like solution.

Third. My dogs are nuts. City dogs gone country. Good god, I don’t know what they do in the fields in back of the house, but IT MUST STOP – they bring home smells I have never smelled – we just don’t have that kind of stank in Kansas. Speaking of the great plains state, I do miss home, hearth, friends and whatnot – but being here in North Carolina makes me feel different. It’s like I have room to grow now. God help me, I think I feel more like an adult, and more responsible. And more free. I miss everyone back home, and keep them in my heart always, but I am slowly making a friend or two here, and holy Zeus’ butthole, I have turned a head or two. I can see all the good things that so many people said were going to happen, happening. They were all right. It got better. And the feeling that I was afraid that was a fluke when I vacationed here in March – the newness, the excitement, the youth – wasn’t. It’s all here. Everything I wanted to feel, I feel in spades. I am a LOT of me now, a lot of the new me, the weird me, the complete me. I could lose 20 more pounds though.

Fourth. And this is a biggie. I… had… a…. (SHUDDER) ….date. I don’t know if this was too soon, I still haven’t figured this one out but, I sorta, well yeah I did, lordy… have… a… date. The first one I had 12 years, and even before then I didn’t do this thing a lot. And it was a real one. I was taken out, doors were open for me, and there was adult conversation, debate and atmosphere. And the good lord help me he was a conservative republican who supported McCain, and was fairly wealthy. He was down here in Hee Haw on business. I met him during Monday night football and we got to talking and debating. He was a magnificent bullshitter, or actually highly intelligent. He had a slight swagger and came across as a manly man. Usually that turns me off, but the obvious high intelligence kept my attention riveted on him. Actually, I took everything with a grain of salt at first, and sat mostly and observed as he was animated in his performance. I’m a very quiet, observant liberal, so I let him be the player that he was. Even through the arrogance and bravado, one could tell he was a man of at least some substance. He asked me out. I thought about it. He wasn’t a total loser, and so I said “Okeedoke”. Planned for the next night. Don’t know a THING about this stranger except that he was down here from Cleveland on business doing something big and industrial. He showed me a Mc-Mansion he lived in, and told me he made 250k a year (yeah, yeah, I don’t care nor was I really impressed… and, well, I didn’t really believe it totally). But something in my head said, what the hell, I can go on a …COUGH COUGH GAG ****date****. And it was awesome. It was a real adult date. Things were planned, things were paid for, drinks were had, and it was by far, hands down the BEST night I have in a year. One night in March maybe rivals it bit, but maybe falls a wee bit short to the night of my first date in more than a decade.

Sixth. I’ve lost 65 pounds. And its permanent. The kind that you lose when you don’t diet, so going off whatever diet makes them come back. It’s about 4 pounds a month now. I like that.

Seventh. I’m not sure what to do about the holidays. I have really no where to go around here I feel comfortable going, and I don’t know if I can make it back to Kansas. It will be a year anniverary of Ken’s passing. We weren’t ever big holiday people so that part is not going to be problem, but I don’t know yet how I feel about it and whether it will be something that blindsides me or whether I have dealt with it adequately. I think Ken would be proud of me for most of what I’ve done and what I’ve TRIED to do. I hope he would be, anyway. I am happier than I have been in a really long time. Years in fact. I feel so different, but it feels familiar – like an old friend has come back to me. But I think now that I have taken a step into the bigger world – friends, football, and dates – maybe other things. NO MORE CURRY GOAT THOUGH. I still have big bags under my eyes, that I think are permanent now, but I’m old so they come with the territory. And the crows feet. But the wisdom is a cool thing to have gained. And the double chin is almost gone.

Hows THAT for an update?