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21 July 2018, 12:53

Today is a down day. My financial worries have crept up on me and have now taken up residence in my head.

I can objectively say that Doug has taken my financial security from me. I’m slowly pulling myself out of the muck, and I am probably doing as well as one can, but I just can’t see it right now. I feel like every month I slowly fall a little bit more behind. I am robbing the credit cards to get bills paid. I can’t get ahead of those, and there’s no way to make MORE money since I’m basically, for all intents and purposes, on salary.

I had to ask a friend for a loan, I’ve been letting things slide and not get paid, I’ve been asking power and cable for more time to pay, and I’ve been just screwing everything up badly I think. All over about $1,200.

For the longest time, I had claimed 9 on my taxes so that I could collect ALL of my paycheck to help me and Doug get by. So, that built up a large tax bill of which I had arranged a payment plan to get paid off. I did that to help US get by because I believed Doug when he said he would always have my back, and that he would always help me out when I needed it. I tried never to need it. I never wanted to be in a position where I would have to rely on that being true. I don’t owe much to the government, in the big scheme of things. It was around $3,300. I was working and he was throwing me the bare minimum every month to “help” out with bills, rent and whatnot. Then my world crashed. He left and pretty much screwed me financially, although he’ll swear up and down he gave me half and he was in the worse position. He wasn’t. I finally got it all back to the waterline in March – I was at the point, I wasn’t owing, I was just broke. My car decided to blow the fuck up. That sent me into a spiral. One that I am continuing in today. I’m slowing my descent and had been looking forward to this month to where I could start going back up. But, extra expenses and the robbing peter to pay paul thing I’d been doing had caught up with me. I couldn’t make the payment plan on the taxes, so any refunds I would be getting would be applied to that tax bill. I would have gotten about $1,200 in refunds this year, and that would have SAVED me. I would have permanently stopped the spiralling. I would have been good to go.

Yeah, the irony is not lost on me.

So, now, I’m seriously thinking of getting roommate. I had to borrow from a friend. I had to pawn my camera, and I’m trying desperately not to lose that. I’m trying not to fail at all this. And maybe I’m not. I’m having a pity party today though. Doug got to ruin my life and get away scott-free in the process. I will find ground and remember all the positives that came out of all this. I have pages and pages written about how things have gotten so much better and me and my life are going to be amazing and wonderful. It’s just today. I’m having my pity party. I had a friend say she has gotten strength and inspiration from me. I can’t imagine how.

“It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to…..” ~ Lesley Gore