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POWER

24 April 2010, 01:00

It’s raining. And kind of cold. The car (KNOCK ON WOOD) is running. My creepy, judgmental landlord fixed it. It’s a double edge sword with him. To get him to do these nice things and give me the leeway that he does, I have to hold my tongue when he constantly berates me and denigrates me. Jesus Fucking Christ.

I also have discovered there are actually a couple of big companies that I would really LIKE to work for here in Hee Haw. I don’t know if they will have me but we can try.

I am actually not stressing too much right now. It has returned to being a low level uncomfortableness. I have some insane little nagging worries that my mind is bring up over and over again, but they shouldn’t be issues, so I don’t know why my head keeps replaying them. I have most all of the immediate challenges taken care of, so I should just let it go. Maybe I’m addicted to being in crisis. That’s just mental.

Hate the rain. And I can’t stop snacking on this bag of tropical fruit trail mix that Sherrie sent me. I don’t want my body to slap on the poundage cause it thinks its starving and I don’t want to undo all the weight loss, one of the only good things I got out of the last three weeks. Don’t know how fattening nuts are, but I’m giving the candied fruit a pass.

I’m looking at pictures and rereading Rants. It triggers memories and feelings but all of them hazy and blunted. All the emotion has been all watered down to where I’m wistful and melancholy. I’ve been watching Hulu and marathoning on LOST. That’s one messed up show. I’m going to put it back on here in a minute. I would love to go play some pool and relax but the Hole gets pretty unreasonable and inexplicably I sometimes accidentally stay too late and start to hate where I am. Plus its rainy and cold.

I am restless and feel like I need to be doing something. SOMETHING. Fixing my tag, resumes or something. Except, resumes are done, and the tag is not something I need soon – haven’t decided how I’m going to fix it. Wish I had my Kansas tag back. I miss having something to do. It drives me fucking nuts being idle. At least when I had stress, I would obsess on that. I have KQED playing, and they are talking about pushing to the limit, your body, your mind. Ironically, it seems like I have been pushed very far, and maybe all that is done now. I hit rock bottom and maybe I’m bouncing up now. Amazing how a day or two changes life so much.

I NEED TO STOP EATING THESE NUTS.