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30 December 2014, 23:24

Been thinking about tons of stuff. Been wishing for clarity. If ever I wanted something, I guess clarity is what I do want. Been on this earth for almost 50 years. ALMOST. And I wish I had done something right. It just feels like everybody has this thing down but me, this thing called living. Career, relationships, love, hate, living, dying. whatever. I just always thought at this stage, I would have learned a little bit about how it is to just be a decent human being and maybe what it takes to live a good life. And finally, after death, after change, after tragedy, after victories, after all the mistakes I’ve made, I thought I finally learned a little. I’ve become a bit of the person I want to be. I know what I strive to be, I know what I want to be, I know how little I am and I know how much I matter to the tiny bit of existence I effect.

My goal after 40 some odd years, was to be as honest and positive to the bit of life that I effect. To try and always be these things, even when noone is looking, and to do the best I can, every minute I can. To accept when I may fall short of my goals, because the minute I fail, I get back on the road to doing exactly that. It was about 40 years, and a death, to come to the person I was going to be. It was a hard road. I had to let go of a lot of things that sustained me, comforted me, fed my pride, boosted my ego, masturbated my self esteem. It made me a cleaner soul, I think. I am free of a lot of things that have no useful purpose, and I am more of an idealist, and maybe more of a fool – the world cynicism that one gains through living this life has been washed away for the most part, and I usually see people (and the world) through innocent, trusting eyes. I CHOOSE to see the world through these eyes because I want the world to be this way. For the most part that I have experience since, this transformation have borne out true for me. I don’t know if it’s because it IS true, or that one makes it true because of one’s perception and maybe the force of will. I WANT the world to be mostly XXXXX and therefore it is. I am, more and more, believing that the way you perceive the world, is the way the world IS.

I love breathing. I love soft fur of dogs against my skin. I love that maybe tomorrow will be different and better than today. I love when a certain song, no matter how simple or stupid it is, will touch something in me, I love that I am moved to my core from a movie or even a TV show, I LOVE the way I love my dogs in a way I’d give my life for them. I love almost every aspect of what I have grown into. It’s been a long time, and a lot A LOT oh HEll a LOT of mistakes and mishaps that made me the person that I am today. Right now. This minute. There’s a lot wrong with me. But there’s a lot RIGHT with me. I don’t know if I would have been the person I am without all the shit, the crap, the mistakes, the nightmares, that I went through. I like still being hopefully. I like that I am still very idealistic. I like that I see that we are a mere dot, a blip, a second in the universe, but a dot/blip/second that matters. Every moment matters. No matter how giant the universe is, no matter how large the wheels crank of the machinery (and how small a cog I am) it comforts me that I DO matter. It’s a dichotomy. I am so comforted by how giant the universe is and how a little tiny action will not stop the machine that is life and existence. But it DOES matter every thing we do, because the universe starts with our little sphere. IT DOES MATTER. The person next to us, the actions/inaction we do, the way we treat our neighbor, our dog, our child…

IT ALL MATTERS. It matters. And what is so wonderful, is there is room for it all. We can decide it matters in how we conduct our lives, or it matters if we decide we don’t matter. I guess I’ve discovered the reverse of nihilism. It all matters. I can take joy and hope that the galaxy and stars will not judge me in what I do, and the universe goes on and on. I can take joy in that what I do does matter. It DOES matter. The little world I am in, the effect I have on even the dogs that sleep on my bed, the people I meet in the street, the person I want to be, matters. It’s hard to explain, to have this view where the BEEG universe and the small one matters. It matters the way I am. Because it matters to ME. And it comforts me that anything any one person/group/thing of this earth that fucks something up, will not matter in the big scope of things because what will be will be and if its a big fucking mistake, the universe will erase it and start again.

I want everyone to try, try until you die, until you take your last breath, to be the best you can. To not hurt or destroy. The natural order of things will be accomplishing that far more efficiently than you could, so I think our job is to progress. To know ourselves. To wallow in the joy of being that self aware speck – I can hear the dogs barking, I can feel a sip of water go down my throat, I can laugh at a movie, I can cry at some song. And I can be fooled because I believe in the best in people.

Currently I have someone who “fools” me. One that I want the best for, the one I want all the happiness in the world for. One who thinks he is pulling the wool over my eyes to “get” something over on me. He lies. He pretends. He pushes me. And I forgive. I am the fool, not because I am a fool. It’s because he needs a fool. He needs me. He needs me to be a fool. He needs me to be a mother. He needs me to care. He needs me to forgive when I don’t get love. He needs me to forgive when I am sad and there is noone there for me. He needs me to give all of myself. He needs me to forgive when I get nothing in return. He needs me to forgive when my wounds bleed and when my soul goes unsoothed. He needs me to be more than he is, more kind, more forgiving, more strong.

He needs me to pretend that I don’t know that it’s all a lie.

And I do.