| Now |


8 May 2018, 19:31

This little black car now has a nice light glaze of dirt, some dead smooshy bug bodies and bird poop on it. It’s a bit dirty inside from the dogs. It feels comfortable now. I can hear the radio when the windows are open. I don’t have to use the high octane gas even though I do. All my things work on the car. I think I even have satellite radio on the thing. I read the manual all the way through. And I’ve finished up a tank of gas and the freaking thing gets 35 mpg. I am happy with my purchase of this. It’s a little black vroom-vroom.

It’s weird to have full coverage insurance, and AAA. Such an adult thing to do. Even the car warranty of which I need to read over, is a cool thing to have. I’m going to throw every spare penny at this car until I own it. I’m starting to love it, and by it, I mean Fred. I’m calling her Fred. She even smiles at me when she’s parked.

I really am starting to love this car.

I’m finding fundamental changes happened that I didn’t even notice. I’ve un-plateaued and am now starting to lose weight again. I am trying to figure out what I’m going to do about clothes, since I’ve been fooled before. I thought I was thinner, bought some clothes and then shrank out of them. So. Now. I’m just perplexed about my rings and my pants. Neither fit well and I don’t want to spend the money to buy more. I’m kinda iffy now about spending money on food, much less spending on things like underwear.

My favorite activity is drinking beer on the porch with Hurley, listening to iphone playlists and watching the sunset. I’m starting to relax. I can feel things just unclench. I feel myself just go “ahhhhh.” I still have the clickity clack going through my head and there ARE some serious worries that I am obsessing on coming up, but there are those perfect moments when I can just wallow in the warm cream of happy.

I can, for the first time in 6 months, sleep with the lights off (TV is still on). And its nice and pleasant at night now, the windows are open and the dogs snuggle with me. I don’t have the dry heaves/convulsions in the mornings now and I don’t remember when they stopped. I am not feeling the weight of the world on my back constantly and I feel a little brave and crazy sometimes.

I have friends. I can go and visit them. I can go have lunch with them. I can do things. And more important, I can do NOTHING and be fine with that. I have all that I want and I have all I need right now. And that list has gotten so much smaller than it use to be. And that list has only things on it that I would need, that I would want, things that would make ME happy (and these dogs.)

I like being un-plateaued and un-miserable. I could get use to this.