| Now |

RUMINATIONS

19 August 2008, 01:00

Way early in the morning. I guess by my time frame, it would be about 5 in the morning, but here on eastern time, it’s six. I woke up about 5:30 est. and figured I should just get use to being up this early. I have the day off to do things. I’m watchful of giant spiders and am wishing I had a bed. Boy, am I wishing it. I’m wishing, and hoping Jake will be fine, and that it won’t be too expensive. I’m hoping the fucking cracker hillbilly on the hill with the goddamn pitbulls will pen up his dogs. It’s too much to hope the fucker will pay for half of my vet bills, but I want the bastard to know what he did. I hope the landlord tells him that my poor dog is in the hospital and has been there for three days now. I am still on the fence on whether my moving was a good idea. I’m wondering still, if I haven’t lost my mind. Everyday, there is something else to face or fix that wouldn’t have happened, if I hadn’t done this. Others are suffering for my decisions.

I’m sitting here waiting for Bellsouth, or as I like to refer to them, the DEVIL’S BUTTHOLE. I gained another phone bill at a time I was trying to keep my expenses down and AT&T, as I liketo refer to THEM as the Devil’s Other Butthole, has shitty service here in my living room. I hate DSL, and wish I was closer to get cable broadband. I sitting here waiting for Tim and maybe Morgan, who may or may not come to get the rest of their stuff and they haven’t even provided a lease for me to sign. I had verbally agreed to a 12 month lease, but I’m thinking I want a six month one because of all that has happened.

And I’ve gained two pounds. Apparently I don’t look like what I weigh, and some of the chicks I know say its probably muscle since I don’t look like a plump butterball. I think I do, but, at this point, what I look like is probably the least of my problems. I hate the fact that I don’t have water pressure and I think the water itself is drying out my hair. I feel a bit uncomfortable in my skin these days. I guess its because the things I have been back burning, I have to bring to the forefront, and these things aren’t as easy to solve as, say the problem of needing more money (the answer to that one is “get more money”). They are issues who’s answers are grey, and it’s not a matter of which is right, it’s a matter of what I want. I’m not sure at this point, what I want. It was easier when what I wanted wasn’t brain surgery – I want enough gas to get to Point A, I want a job, any job, I want to eat. etc.

I’m sitting here missing old friends and colleagues, and am wondering if I have lost them. I’ve gained a lot more casual acquaintances, and have a staff that is suspicious of me and probably don’t like me. This is a time I am appreciating Tricia, Melissa, Anna, Brian, and a lot of people I’ve worked with that were dedicated and professional – I forgot how badly people can act in a workplace. I keep thinking I’ve slipped down the mountain that I was climbing and I’m back, way back, below where I should be. Yes. I think its pride. I should be happy I have a job. I should think of this as a new foothold. I’m reclimbing the mountain, and I guess it should be easier this time. I would love the scope and variety of my job, if I didn’t have to fight a defensive staff. I’m rebuilding my career. I’m rebuilding my life. I feel like I’ve lost close friends. I feel like I’ve lost home. I feel like I’m not doing too well. Dogs aren’t safe, I live with giant, man eating spiders and its only by the grace of god I have money to eat and put gas in the car. I feel guilty for feeling this and complaining, because I’M THE ONE WHO WANTED THIS. So, not only is it fear, sadness, loneliness, but now I have guilt on all fronts. And I’m 40. Restarting the journey at 40. That keeps nagging at me too.

But yesterday, I stood in the backyard and saw two ultra lights flying about 300 feet off the ground over the field over my house. I watched them for about an hour. I like the drive up and back from work, I’m just not thrilled about how much in gas I’m going to spend. I think in a month or two, I’ll look for a new car. After that, I’m thinking about moving closer to Hendersonville. Wish I could afford living there, but we are working on that.

I really hate spiders. I don’t know if I’m condemned to live with them in this horrifically visible way. I wonder how cold this house is going to be in the winter time. I wonder how I am even going to navigate country roads covered in ice and snow. I wish I had a garage.

I miss friends. When I’m not in imperative peril, I find that my pool of friendly voices dwindle. I miss a couple in particular, and hope that their absence isn’t permanent. One in particular.

I’m impatient. I wish some things would just be better. And be better now. I guess in a while I will sit down and try the exercise of expounding on what I like about all this. I think I have to do it when I’m in a better state of mine or have some perspective.

  • Later ***

So I’m sick to death of my neighbors and wish I could stick a fucking bazooka up his ass and blow his brains out from the inside. His nasty ass dogs that are running the neighborhood. Jake is back from the hospital.
Fuck North Carolina. I’m kinda not happy with things in general. Could be situational, said a friend, but then I wonder that when WON’T there be something situational that makes me unhappy.