| Now |


27 August 2018, 11:53

Don’t know what I want to do. That’s my stock answer to just about any inquiry into the future. There is so much to take into consideration, I guess, before I even say anything definitive. I do confess though, I am doing a lot of speculation and I shouldn’t be. I’m applying for jobs (and getting interviews) for jobs I can’t possibly take should I get them. I’m making plans to improve and buy the house I’m in, AND constructing scenerios and researching places out west to live.

It’s because I’m restless and nervous. I have nothing to panic about, and nothing to run from. I’m happy. But, maybe its just restlessness? I am seriously exploring EVERYTHING from staying and going and moving and traveling, etc. It’s like I have TOO many choices that I can’t make yet. That makes me crazy. I can sit here and just roll all this over in my mind, but I can’t make any steps toward ANY decisions. I’m estimating how much it will cost to buy and upgrade the house I’m in. I’m researching cities in Utah and Colorado of which to move. I’m planning trips, and uses for paychecks three/four months in advance.

I should just be trying to “BE”. Taking it one day at a time. Making sure I take my own advice, and take care of each issue, one at a time, until all these little things in my life are fixed.

I’m very impatient. I need to learn patience. But, fuck if that isn’t taking forever to do…

Right now, I should be enjoying my life, since I still have the wheels on the wagon. Not even panicking about not having gas money – I actually HAVE gas money. And food. And power. And internet.

I’m very impatient. And I don’t even know what I’m impatient for.

I feel like I should be DOING something, PLANNING something, FORTIFYING against something. But. There is no something right now.

Damn. I hate this. And I like this. I feel like to enjoy life right now is leaving my guard down and I’ll regret it. So. Fuck if I’m making baby steps towards…. just living life, screaming and protesting every step of the way.


Should have given Hurley an ibuprofen before I left this morning.

Yeah. That is the big fret for today.