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26 March 2018, 18:02

I hate being sick. I feel so gross and there’s really nothing I can do about it. I don’t think it’s a sick you can fix, it’s one of those that you just have to go through. It’s a bad tummy, not feeling spiffy, dizzy, achey kind of sick. I thought maybe I could nap through it, so armed with water, apples, yogurt, ibuprophen and blankets, I cuddled up with three big dogs and eventually two cats who nowadays will take any opportunity to sleep on my face. This is a problem since one of the cats drools uncontrollably and the other of which I am deathly allergic. I put the imac on low and played movies in the background, while I tried to doze off.

Something I’ve learned today. Dogs bark at everything. And the fat one will just bark at me if I’m not paying enough attention to him. I’m not sure what they think I’m doing, you know, with my eyes closed and all, but apparently it’s GO TIME when I’m in this state. Hurley will just bark and lead me outside, for what I haven’t yet figured out. And when I do get to sleep, I have bad dreams.

Also, when I’m home, I feel guilty that I’m not at work. Even when I’m sick or I have PTO. I don’t know why. I’m just weird, I guess.

So, I tried to doze, and then sit up, but I’ll feel all ill and lay back down again. It’s times like these, I wish I had a mommy to take care of me. Even when I was coupled, nobody really took care of me, but at least I could get him to get me a glass of water or some medicine if I needed it.

Eventually, I had to get up, because I got bed achey, ate and watched spy movies all afternoon.

But it’s cold and kinda gloomy and I’m sick. Even if I wasn’t sick, these days I don’t have the motivation to do much that involves me interacting with the outside world. I ponder if I am suffering from depression. But then googling depression, gets me depressed. I’m even trying to google evidence that this hermiting I’m doing is normal and benign, but the internet has failed me there. I should be making friends, joining groups, volunteering etc. etc. etc. It even says to online date. Are you FUCKING kidding me? None of that seems particular appealing to me.

One saving grace of the internet is that it tells me that I’m normal in all this since it takes apparently a godawful time to grieve a divorce. Month four, and I haven’t even been officially divorced so, yeah, I’m normal.

I got to go feel less sick now…