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17 March 2018, 16:40

I don’t know how to do this. Single.

I don’t think I was a very good single person before. I don’t think I’ve gained any new insight or skills into how to do it now. I think I do alone adequately. I can shop alone and do things I need to do alone. I would even eat lunch alone or sit on a bookstore patio pretending to read a book pretty well. But. I wasn’t good at making connections with people before and I am sure shit not doing well at it now. I can chat someone up and be socially delightful and all. But, its a performance. It’s something I know how to do – be charming. Making friends is something I think I’m wary of, cautious of, maybe even a little afraid of. Because BEFORE DOUG, I didn’t trust people. And well, Fuckwit just destroyed any trust I had in myself, my own judgment and blew up any I had for others.

Single. I’m not even talking about dating. I’m talking about just having friends and doing things. For seven years I tended to Doug, and didn’t make any local friends. No friends that were close. I think I tried once or twice, but because we moved so much, I didn’t keep them long. And I don’t see many wanting to be my friend – I have really nothing in common with anybody, and my cynical sarcastic sense of humor turns off people, I think. I love to debate and talk. Journalist and writers treat conversation and banter as a sport. Good conversation is an event unto itself. Doug would never want to have conversations. I think we had a few but they never went anywhere. People here, I don’t have anything in common with so, any discussions or banter usually are very oppositional. Women here are all married or with kids or like to cook, or talk about their husbands. I have nothing in common with that. I think when I was with Doug and I had the domestic type complaints, I was more accepted than I am now. Only really young guys want to just hang out, and that’s REALLY age inappropriate – but they are the only ones that really act respectful and nice, and don’t seem to want anything else. Or if they do, they are scared shitless into attempting any thing. Older guys/age appropriate guys always want something pervy, or romantic, or this and that. And again, there’s not much in common there, because I don’t hunt or golf or anything like that. Politics and the ilk are right OUT, because I am SO far from the right, I have men almost scream at me about their beliefs. I didn’t make any friends when I was with Doug. I used him as a convenient excuse not to do so, and I didn’t try. And now. I don’t even have someone to eat lunch with on a Saturday. Right now, I don’t really want to. But I think at some point, I may. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends I’ve made and kept and love. I have so many great friends that aren’t even within 100 miles of me. And that’s the problem. They aren’t HERE.

Single. Doug said I wasn’t funny. And he was embarassed to be seen with me in public. So. Yeah. That’s where I’m starting from. I’m not real approachable I think, and when I maybe start a conversation with someone, they get that dear-in-the-headlights look. I have people urging me to “enjoy the single life” or “start being single”. I have no clue as to how. I don’t even think I want to be single, as much as I want to be alone. I liked being in couple. Even if was mostly a big fat lie, it was comfortable and I had someone there for me in some capacity. I feel like I should try and “be single” but I really don’t want to – I think because I’m scared. I’ve lost all capacity to trust my own judgment, I’ve lost all capacity to trust other people. I’m comforted in that its only been 4 months, and no one should expect me to be “single” – I’m still wobbly on my own two legs, still mourning a life I lost, still angry, still sad, still unhinged to a great degree. It’s easy for Doug to be single. He really never was coupled with me, so I think it was easy to delete me and go on. Unfortunately, it was and is different for me.

Maybe I’ll just be alone instead of single.