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27 March 2018, 07:56

Damn. I lost ANOTHER ring yesterday.

This is the sixth or seventh ring I’ve lost OFF my fingers in the last couple of months. This should be good news. It means I’m getting thinner, and its starting to effect my fingers. My fingers are getting thinner. Make no mistake, I’m not wearing down evenly. I’ve got parts of me poofy, I’ve got parts of me hard and taut. I’m actually proud of the last 10 or so pounds I’ve lost, because THOSE are the pounds I lost by having a better diet and doing more exercise. Those, of course, were harder pounds to lose than the sadness-&-salad pounds. I’m in the awkward-pissing-me-off-because-nothing-fits stage. I’m a little too big for the skinny clothes I have, and a lot too small for my current clothes. It’s a bitch when your yoga pants are getting baggy.

I am getting more and more irrate about my clothes. This morning, I had to go through a ton of tops to find a warm one that still fits. The one I picked was one of my favorite pullovers, and its too long and big. It’s a tent. I’m trying to make it look better by tucking some of the tail in my back pockets so it comes up and in about three inches. It’s an ever increasingly irritating war with my clothes. My pants are starting to get baggy… again. This will be the second set of clothes I have outgrown, or… shrank out of? Thought about that on the drive to work. Along with other flotsam and jetsam in the mornings:

    • I’m starting to think about the drive to work. The drive itself, is fine, even bordering on relaxing. But. It’s expensive. I could save $250 a month if I lived in Augusta.

    • Moving. I know that’s in my future. I can’t do much until the divorce is final, and I save up a bit of down payment. Doug left me almost nothing. The little he did leave me, I had to use for HIS shit. HIS divorce. So. I’m slowly building everything back up, and I am actually looking at houses. I don’t know where I would like to move, but I want to be central to metro areas – in case my career veers in a different direction, I can pull it back out again and not have to sell/move.

    • I think it’s security right now that I’m seeking. A house is security. I’ll have a home for me and my little family. I see many places I’d like to be, but, one place I really want to be is a place of security. Some place I know I’ll always be able to lay my head, a roof that is MINE.

    • The south apparently grows their people teeny. Almost every car I see on the highway, I don’t see a driver. I see half a dome of a head that barely peeks over the steering wheel. And for such teeny people, you all drive a lot more dangerously than you should. I’ve seen cars cut in front of other cars, giant trucks, etc. when they don’t have to and it befuddles me why they do that.

    • Half my brain is getting excited about things getting warmer. I’ll have more motivation in actually moving about, doing activities, cleaning etc. But with the warmer weather, the grass (for lack of a better word) is getting to the point I’m going to have to mow it. I have to buy a lawn mower now? Sigh.

    • I just sit at home a lot, and look at those dumb dogs. I have realized that I love them SO much. They saved me this last little bit. They are actually just big balls of love that stick on me like glue. Hurley has become the biggest baby and the girls are wanting more love, and have taken up the task of protectors now. They are the ones that hear, seek, bark and guard. It’s the cats that are trying to kill me. They take any opportunity to sleep on my head, one drools on me, the other rolls around in something outside that I’m deathly allergic to and then wants to be all over me. Cats. Oh well.

    • I’m unhinged and all over the place in terms of mental stability and emotional level. Have to remind myself its only been four and a half months. I don’t HAVE to be stable. I don’t even HAVE to try. All the divorce shit says, its at the 6-month-1 year point where one is still grieving the divorce, and at about 2 years where you start to get grounded as a person. Of course, YMMV, some may doing it quicker, some slower, and some may not even get to ground at all. I am NOT even at the point where I have to be sane. I have to stop pressuring myself to be all right. Because, well, I’m not and its all right that I’m not all right.

    • Annoyed at the divorce recovery advice. Some of it seems all right, but it all says “you need to get out there and interact with people,” “do things you want,” “have a support system,” “don’t say no to plans (translation: go ahead and go out with anybody who asks).” Jesus christ, they got the pictures of skinny women with their hands in the air in a meadow. What the hell. You know how fucking hard it is to WANT to be around people? And at this point, I have no CLUE as to what I want. And, really, you want me to go out on bad dates with people I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand when they asked me. I don’t want to sit there and try to politely rebuff some dude who I tried to inform “This is just platonic” but who keeps plugging away. Example: Had a dude, saying “Oh, this is totally platonic, I want to be your friend.” And in just a couple of interactions, he said some stupid joke about “we’ll laugh about this when we are married…” Yeah. Nothing will get you kicked to the curb faster than mentioning ANYTHING about dating, sexiness, get to know you better, see where it goes. All these things will get you booted. In fact, later, I’ll go through a couple of these lists of things to do to “recover” and I’ll tell you just how much bullshit is packed into these things.

But, in all fairness to the universe, I think it’s all slowly coming to a head – divorce, new life, new forward movement. I have to do my part and just through it.

I do want to not lose anymore rings though. That sucks.