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9 February 2015, 12:34

Today is the day that I stop drinking pop (again).

This does not mean I give up caffeine. Fuck that. I just now need to figure out another way to get mass quantities of it in my body without the Coca Cola corporation involved. I’m stinky and kind of loopy. Tired as all get out, because of the aforementioned non-ingestion of pop. I have a big honkin’ cup of sweet tea but I don’t think that’s going to help the pounding headaches or wicked irritability that I will be soon experiencing. If experience has taught us anything, is that this will last for about a week. And I will be, most definitely taking it out on anybody within throwing distance. I might start buying that 5 hour energy crap and adding it to my tea. It’s basically 200 mg of caffeine, or as I like to call it, no-kill-random-stranger juice.

This whole exercising thing is weird. As I said before, after a while, I start dictating in my head… for no reason… to no one… I feel the overwhelming need to do it, and maybe write it down and inflicted it on the internet. Still trying to determine what audience out there wants to hear about me sweating, or what the dogs are doing. My exposure to new stimulus as drastically narrowed to my little world here.

I am determined to do all this exercising and eating right, despite the poo-pooing of certain individuals who shall remain nameless (Doug) and I think its because he’s just filled with the green-eyed monster’s bile at the determination and tenacity I possess in never quitting… at least for long. “I’ve known you for 4 years and you keep saying your going to blah blah blah but never do blah blah” I don’t really listening to the rest. I tune it out. I am determined to be zen and progress. I’ve got to admit, I’ve never lasted more than 4 months doing this consistently, but gawd-almighty, I’ve had to get jobs, work and all. I still do now have to find a job, but I’m not doing my search at the fevered pace as I usually do. As Dougie was prone to say when he was home, unemployed, this is “ME-TIME”.

I’m not really buying it, either. My brain is pounding on me to get a job. I feel guilty for spending ANY money on anything and I feel poopy for not having any money of my own. I’ve tried to get into that whole “its OUR money”, but I never feel its “OUR MONEY” unless I’m contributing to the “OUR MONEY” situation. Plus, mama wants a big, fat, new iMac. Joblessness also gives one a feeling of worthlessness, and as I have a LOT of self esteem tied up in being productive, its hard not to feel like I need to get a cup, and at least tap-dance on Main street for coinage.

Can’t tell what good the exercise and eating well is doing. I can’t see any physical reduction in mass, although I see hard muscles developing under a thin layer of blubber. I have mixed feelings, to say the least. And I do feel better and have more energy. I feel stronger. HULK SMASH! Well. Not that strong, but now I’m spry enough to chase a dog down or hold back Hurley from whatever Hurley wants to get to. Don’t laugh, that stupid dog is STRONG. He’s 64 pounds, we found out and is in close relationship with the cat carrier. He knows where it is, and when he sees it, he runs up to it wagging his tale. Throughout the day he’ll go to the door to the room its in and, longingly, stare until I come to let him see his beloved cat box. If I’d let him, he’d lay down and stuff his head in it and stay like that for hours. I let him do that, figuring he’d get tired of being retarded after a while, but no, he’s got a thing for doing retarded things, this being the latest in a long line of whatthefuckertudery he has accomplished.

I can’t really fault him for doing that. I, myself, have the urge to stick my head in the oven lately – I’m not really good at being a domestic. And now that I have given up pop, my competency and motivation will hit a low. The thought of “Well, he can just wash his own damn underwear” or some variation of “Well, he can just blah blah blah damn blah” has been crossing my mind more and more. Since I have nothing else to do, my focus hones in on those around me. I can really see why housewives booze it up in the daytime now.

Reading over this, I’m wondering if at any point, its going to coalesce into something cohesive, and make some sort of sense. I think I’ll probably just give up on any of that happening.

Suffice it to say, this maybe the start of my babbling-bullshit phase of this blog.