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7 October 2015, 20:19

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I might have a contract job with the government.

First of all, I never ever never thought I would even remotely qualify for one. I don’t have a perfect record, in any aspect. Life as been a bit of a struggle for me. When I was small, circumstances beyond my control spun my life around and peace of mind was something I never really experienced. I wasn’t really given the skills to navigate this world successfully, so it has been a learning process for me. The things I should have learn when I was young, from my parents, I eventually learned but it was on the 3rd down when I did. Situations which others were ready for I had no idea. When I should have been learning how to thrive, I was instead, learning how to survive. The point where I am now – in my maturity, in my knowledge and experience, in how I handle things and how far I have progressed – this should have been me earlier, mid thirties. I alway considered myself a young soul, a blank slate where the grooves of experience take longer to carve, my surface is too slick to where wisdom can’t stick. And it’s just me. Trying to figure things out. Trying to do things right.

Then there’s the low self esteem and ill formed self awareness (thanks mom).

Yes. We all have these struggles going on. I just don’t see your struggle. I see mine.

All I see is where I’m lacking. Not a good position to be in.

Especially when you are about to fill out a security questionnaire applying for clearance. I spent 9 hours explaining every little thing that was remotely buggy about me, my past, my decisions, my situations. With every paragraph I wrote, explaining why I really wasn’t a bad person, demoralized me more and more. It all made me feel so much worse about myself than usual. Imagine EVERYTHING you have done wrong, or at least not RIGHT, every mistake, every bad judgment and every bad circumstance you couldn’t help splayed out like a dissected frog, and you have to explain it. It strips you of the dignity and self esteem that the past gives you. There’s a reason it’s the past. It’s a way to move forward and not be dragged down by everything that has come before.

Right now I am drained. I’m drained of every bit of pride and joy I had for myself.

I’ll get over it, but man, you all, the government made me wanna cry.