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THIS

1 June 2018, 20:11

I’m on my porch watching the summer storms in South Carolina. Reminiscent of the summer storms of Kansas, the storms that I love, the storms that viscerally touch something inside me. If you are a Kansan, storms stir either fear or… anticipation. I guess that would be the best description. Half of us know the fear, and half of us are drawn to the storms. Drawn to the power, to the smell, to the feeling. And, yes, it is SO different from hurricanes or anything the south has. Its capability, its magnificent chaos on scale that dwarfs you but doesn’t overwhelm you. You are within touching distance of violence and death, and for us adrenaline junkies who grew up on it, its as close to glory that can approach.

This is the backdrop for what is going through my mind right now. I am so intrigued as to what this is, what this torrent going through my head is. I haven’t felt this in a long time. It’s something coursing through me. It’s something youthful. I can’t even tell you WHAT I’m feeling. It could be pure happy. It could be the feeling that all is right with the world, just at this very moment, even with all the things I was fretting on. And that never happens. I let the worry consume me, I let myself be defensive, and in a hyperfight mode to whatever is coming. I NEVER. Let. Things. Come. Instead, I’m having the floating-in-warm-cream feeling I haven’t had since 2004? I am NOT braced for the fight. I am not vigilant for the enemy (whatever the enemy is). I watch the skies cloud up, I see the thunder coming. I see the people pull over on the way home. I see the fear of the people around me on the side of the street waiting for the rain to subside. I feel anticipation. I feel jubilant. The excitement, the overwhelming joy of seeing the storm. The feeling of all this is crowding out all the low level anxiety that I have been use to, the feelings that I’ve been living with for so long. Storms made me happy. Fucked up, isn’t it?

I am a different person than I was 6 months ago. A drastic shift in the continents. I am SO different. I became something so alien in the last 7 years. These storms remind me of who I was, and now who I am again. It’s almost too much. I’m about to cry because I feel like I’ve found a sister I’ve lost for a long time. This is who I should have been, so long ago. I think maybe, I am her now. And its overwhelming.

I started home today plagued with worry about my financials. I started to go into the accustomed panic/crisis state that happens. The smallness of me compared to the hugeness of what I needed to conquer started to beat on me. I felt bad that I was in this position, I felt resentful that HE got to be all right. I felt frightened I would fail. I felt worried I’d lose everything I worked so hard for and suffered so much for. That I could just have it fall away from me in an instant and I couldn’t stop it.

Then, I stopped to see friends, maybe to seek shelter from what’s happening to me? I was scared, a familiar fear, and it didn’t matter at what. Substitute money for divorce, or whatever albatross de juer was on me at any given time. It was like EVERYTHING was a chore. Everything stopped being a challenge, and started being a torture. And I did what I do. For a split second, my mind was reeling to formulate a plan, a path, something to save me. It weighed on me… for about an hour, maybe two. I can’t tell you what exactly changed it all for me in that hour or two. Small favors. Small kindnesses. Small pieces of advice from people who actually cared about my well being. Pool? Beer? But, I found a path, and I made a plan. And I found out its not as bad as it all seemed to be. I’m starting to realize that it isn’t ever as bad as I think its going to be. I stampede to crisis mode when I didn’t have to at all. I really am in a state of befuddlement on how this became the way I operated. Why this was always the answer. The way I was made to think about how things work was wrong. All along, its isn’t something that is life or death, something so bad. Nothing is like this. It wasn’t all on my shoulders to carry, it wasn’t all my responsibility to solve the problems of the world. I DO have things to worry about. I do have shortfalls and things I need to fix. And they are serious. And they may not all get fixed instantly. And it may cause me to backslide…. a bit. But they aren’t insurmountable. And they won’t conquer me.

I actually don’t know how I am going to figure all this out, but things have changed from 6 months ago. I don’t know what the solutions are, but I just know I’ll figure it out, and I know I will get through it.

My way of thinking is changing. By inches. Panic and fear are no longer my constant companions, they aren’t the sentinels that are screaming in my ear anymore. I think its because their harbinger is no longer here. The personification of dread is gone. It’s no longer all on me. It’s no longer the worst thing in the world, a life changing course, or an abyss that is waiting for me should I make any missteps. That is the legacy of a bad relationship. That is the legacy of the toxic stain that won’t wash off from those who splattered you. That is the legacy of taking on the mantle of the doomed, the yoke of their well being is on you. Your soulmate who courts crisis, who creates drama, who lives in calamity because he is comfortable there, and knows you are the the fodder of the battle, he is the one that will destroy you, if you let him. (shrug) Don’t let him. It’s comfortable letting it all engulf you and wrap you up, because it is normal, and predictable. It becomes your normal, you take it all on without question, without even looking up from your feet. Because giving up is easy. Surrendering to his reality is easy. Not trying is easy. Everything else is hard. Everything else is painful, and sucky. All I can say is, don’t fear the pain, don’t fear the unknown, don’t fear the unwritten story.

Don’t fear the storm.

I saw the storms today. I was filled with JOY from the storms. As funny as that sounds, today filled me up. With memories. With old feelings. With new friends. With the gratitude for people who cared. With emotions that I haven’t allowed myself to have in decades. With confidence. With fierceness. With fear. With worry. With anticipation. With uncertainty. With the joy of being me. With the joy of just getting through it. It flooded into me today. I really wish everything would level out. I have the DOWNS and I have these UPS that are almost euphoric. I can’t trust what is real yet because… well, I don’t know. I distrust everything about myself. But. The fact is, I am euphoric. And that was real. The confidence was real. The new found bravado was real. Beats the shit out of me if I’m brave or delusional. But once more into the breach dear friends. I want to die trying than to cower in fear of what may happen.

I’ve got a row to hoe, but, I’m starting to internalize that life ISN’T crisis. It all has a solution, sometimes a difficult one, sometimes a simple one. The ease of life right now scares me and I don’t trust it. I had lived in such a dread state for so long its like a warm blanket. I have to give it up now. Because, and I hate almost saying this, it doesn’t belong here with me – I know better. I maybe too much of a romantic. Too much of an optimist? I maybe too much of a poet. Too much of a flake? I maybe too much of a bullshitter. But.

I love these stormy skies.

I am realizing… Just a lot of things. I’m falling in love. WIth a lot of things. And its scaring the shit out of me.

I think this is what falling in love is like. I’m just doing it on a grand scale. I’m falling in love. WIth me. Maybe with life? With the journey? Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic on a crash course with reality? Maybe I am still hopeful, even with all the things that have happened to me.

I am in love. With who or what, I don’t think matters right now. I’m enjoying the crush.