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3 June 2008, 01:00

It’s been a ride.

Right now, all is right with the world. Of course I think it’s because I’ve had three beers and a really interesting burrito sitting in some touristy summer of love cafe in Asheville, North Carolina. Yes, I’ve been drinking.

Imagine. Beers and air conditioning making the world right. Right now, all the trepidation, all the worry, all the angst has melted in an alcohol lubricated slip and slide into a vat of cream cheese. Waiting for the afternoon to come so I can get… a tattoo. OMG. Yes, this old lady has lost her friggin mind. Yes, I’ve been drinking.

I’m not sure what is happening. But the watch phrase for today is, I’ve decided,“Go For It”. My friend Melissa said “It’s not how far you bounce, but how high.” I’m sitting the summer of love district of Haywood in Asheville. I don’t EXACTLY fit. I’m a geek girl sitting in her Diggnation T-shirt with chauvinistic tendencies plus a draconian sense of justice and a deeply disturbed sense of humor. I do like the hippies and the wanna-bes in the sense they don’t take notice of the likes of me. The norms usually just look at me with glaring disapproval, and wonder why I didn’t go back to where I came from. Usually the hippies think I share the same world vision. I’m just twisted enough to be closer to the tie-dye crowd than the yuppie shitheads that I find populating the slick, overly polished cafe parts of town. Yes, I’ve been drinking.

I also have noticed, with three beers, I’m a dirty, dirty old lady. My, My, My 20 year olds didn’t look like that when I was 20…. Yes, I’ve been drinking.

Okay. Backstory. I came up here this trip for job interviews and to look at a place to live. I saw the place to live. Kind of a dump. It could be decent enough. But its 12 minutes from Asheville. It gets me into the area. It starts the life I think. Sometimes you have to take the steps back to leap forward. Or at least that’s what I hope. It’s the rationalizations that get get me through the day. Fucking hell. I’m sitting in North Carolina. I have no job. I have no place to live out here. My little family is back in DoDah, with a bag of dog food and a dog sitter. I left a good job, security, a home, a life. Shit if I wasn’t drinking then, boy should I be now.

I“m sitting in the sunshine, having my fourth beer, at something called the Lucky Otter Restaurant. Free wifi. AND FUCKING HIPPIES, and wanna-be hippies. Right now I’m not worrying about a lot. I’m not worrying about the house, the mortgage, the money, the dump, the job. I bet I should be. Right now I don’t. This has been the best couple of hours I’ve had in a while. Boy am I dumb. Sometimes being dumb has it’s advantages. Today. I’m not worrying. Tomorrow, I will. Tomorrow, I will take the mantle on of all the worry that those who love me do. I will worry about about where I am, what I am thinking. Today. It’s the sunshine. It’s also the beer. Tell me if you think that is bad, really, I value your opinion, tell me without profanity. Actually, with a couple of beers, use as much profanity as you need to, I won’t mind, or probably won’t notice. Yes, I’ve been drinking.

Leap in with both feet. Had a friend worry about me a little. And I value him for it. Most everybody else gave me the GO-FOR-IT sign. I think the worst I can do is fail miserably. But. Bet that I’ll get back up and try again.

The worst I can do is fail. I’ve failed before, and god knows I’ll fail more in the future. But it’s is my nature to try. Actually, it’s my nature to leap. So, in that respect, I’ve been doing the more conservative thing and worrying and fretting and trying to plan or analyze what I’m doing. I think it just gives me ulcers. I want the security back, I want the safety, I want the home back. I just don’t think I can get it without the leaps of faith I’m going to have to do that scares normal people. SHIT. It scares me, and I’m more or a risk taker than most.

So the end all be all of this.

I’m taking the dump. If it’s a horrid little place… well. I’m there for a year. Unless I decide not to be – if it gets bad enough, I don’t have to be there. But. Clean and decent. And my little family with me. And no more driving. I am taking a big chance. A big risk. And I could be making a big mistake. But, I’m risking big to gain something as big.

Sigh. I feel weird. I guess it’s time to add pain to that. I’m off to get inked.

  • a tattoo later **************

Triple Spiral represents the drawing of the three powers of maiden, mother and crone. It is a sign of female power and especially power through transition and growth.