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15 June 2010, 01:00

Happy fucking birthday to me, Happy fucking birthday to me, happy fu— oh to hell with it.

So I’m old now, for about 5 hours now? Hmmm. I would take this time to reflect upon my life and accomplishments up to now, but I don’t really want to depress myself so bad that I’d throw myself into a wheat thresher. About the most exciting thing I’ve done is feed a troll that hates me from Craiglist. I’ve taken to poking the monkeys on the “missing connections” section of it, and they, in turn have been flinging their virtual poo at me.

What have I done now that I’m…[obligatory HHGTG reference] the answer to life, the universe and everything[/obligatory HHGTG reference] ? I took my dubiously legal car to the big Wallymart and bought $50 worth of food – all veggies, salad and fruit. I figure if I’m going to be homeless and hungry soon, I might as well go out eating as healthy as I can. Besides, I’ve been needing to halt the dizzy spells and rapid weight loss I’ve been experiencing. I lost 10 more pounds this last two weeks since Duh-food fell out of the top five of the priority list.

I wheeled my squeeky little shopping cart around the totally deserted aisles of the superstore. All the employees were out in force doing whatever Walmart employees do at night when the norms are at home sleeping. Apparently a lot of what they do is make tremendous messes with boxes, and stare homicidally at late night redheaded shoppers. THEY BE SOME STARING MOTHER FUCKERS, MAN. Well, I fill my cart with apples, oranges, $8 worth of nectarines, salad stuff, and spaghetti making crap. I turned up the iphone and headed off to the only lane that was open.

The lady was nice enough, but she had one hand in a cast, so she was hunting and pecking the items in and using one of those elderly mechanical fingers to open the little plastic bags so she could anemically try and hoist the food into the bags. I had ONE person ahead of me, but she had forgot her pin number, so she spent the next 20 minutes calling god knows who to get another one. At this point, I didn’t care if I waited, but I was starving. So while she sat ahead of me, blurting out a mea culpa every other minute to me, I ate a banana, drank a Sobe green tea (which was ORGASMICALLY good) and did my nails.

So. I get through the line after watching the poor broken handed lady slowly try and bag my crap. I really like late nights, there is noone around and usually the people who are around look like they are escapees from an asylum run by Tim Burton. It’s a surreal time of night. I must be confident in my employment situation, because I bought a bunch of food, and not just the bare minimum to keep me vertical. I wheel my crap out to my car, and load the thing up, while three electricians in matching shirts who are standing around their truck watch me fumble with my bags. (I’m trying to figure out if I really look 42. Looking at my jowls, sullen expression, void eyes, wrinkles and my broken spirit and nasty disposition. Yup, I’m that old nasty lady. I need a beer…. oh right, its 6 in the morning…)

I’m home now. I don’t know if I have enough gas to go to Asheville, and when I get there, I only have about $10 bucks to spend. But we are GOING to do this, cause I need to get out of Dodge for a while, and it’s my birthday – I’m willing to risk incarceration for a couple hours OUT OF THIS PLACE. Asheville is the place I fell in love with when I came out here. It really is a tonic for me. Wish I could take you all for a beer, because of all days, this is the day I would like to be with friends and have some fun. I’ve got about 2 bucks in the Rant beer fund and I’m going to use it to buy a nice little weird beer at the Lucky Otter tomorrow. Maybe get a nice southwest bean burrito and watch hippies go up and down Haywood Street.

I’ll eventually come back home and go to the Hole with my little cupcakes and candles and have, what will be most sad little birthday celebration. A 42 year old woman with three cupcakes, celebrating her birthday at a Hee Haw bar. WHOO HOO.

But, as like last year, one thing hasn’t changed. But beer and a change of scenery for a while will be enough.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

Okay. It’s not so bad….