| Now |


7 November 2009, 00:00

Another Thanksgiving is coming up. It’s amazing how fast the time is passing – my days feel like they drag on, but the time is running out on me. It’s my second Thanksgiving here, and quick calculations tell me I’ve been out here for a year and a half. I reread what I wrote last year. And last year I was plagued by worry and fear.

Something from last year:

I have been having good days and bad days. And recently, my good days were outnumbering the bad, and I was feeling a little more at ease in my new home. Till lately. I was breaking down from the lack of heat, the financial stresses, the uncertainty of a lot of things. The dog attack cracked me in half.

Still have financial stresses – more, in fact, this year. There are still good days, and bad days. I’m down one dog, which is the thing that breaks my heart this year. I have the people around me whom I find comfort and shelter in, but I still have lost so many people I love, it’s hard to even think about the people I don’t see anymore. I’m wishing for a way to start progressing forward again. I really have no idea how to jump start everything now. Eh, we’ll see.

Miss my dog. Miss my Kansas friends. Miss all my YML friends. Miss heat. Miss the sunshine.

I’m borderline sick, and fighting from being full blown ill. I just feel oogie. And the dogs aren’t well, just from lack of youth and probably other ailments money could fix. (And now I’m in full blow bug phobic OCD because I just killed something about the size of a kidney bean with feelers and 6 legs, two of which look like a grass hoppers – WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE SOUTH AND THESE BIZARRE BUGS??) Do you all have them and I just don’t have enough stuff for them to hide in that I see them all the time, or is my house just a 1000% more dirty or more horrible that bugs are attracted to my abode.

I just go on to tell you what I’m thankful for, I’m hoping this exercise puts things in perspective for me a little more, and helps my mood.

I am thankful for still kicking, and still being able to fight this all out. Waking up day after day, and being able to bitch and moan is more than a lot of people can do. Although slightly oogie, I have life, health, and am able-bodied. The last blessing of the truly desperate, I imagine.

I am thankful for being loved like I am. I do have many friends who love me, care for me and worry about me. I hate like hell I worry people, or that I am still in this position to cause it. I was working on it, and now I guess I’m stuck in stasis. But I don’t think I have backslid, and am still maintaining level. I’m not making progress, but I’m not losing ground either. I don’t think, anyway. I hope all the people that love me know that I love them just as much.

I am thankful for my canines. The love and comfort I get from them is the lifeline that pulls me out of so much dread and dark. I am grateful for Robin who gave Buddy the best home I could hope for him, and I wish I could give the ones that are left a better life. I think soon I will be able to, because I am ever hopeful that “things will work out.”

I am thankful for me. I discovered a person I really like, and really want to have her succeed because she deserves it. I have potential and I have light, and I know I could be a really great person and a really successful one. I thank the universe everyday I’m still looking up and really still more positive than, by all rights, I probably should be. I have less of a tendency to be sad and morose. Some of that is generated by me, and helped along by those around me.

I am really, god awfully thankful for hope. I still have it, I’m still deluded with it, and it helps me when it looks the cloudiest. Hope is awesome.

Eh, it’s not an UP column, but it’s more up than it could be considering I hate holidays and everything associated with them.

Happy Turkey Day.