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19 March 2018, 09:46

This is something I have been avoiding for a million years. Sexuality.

No, I am not gay.

What my issue is that I don’t have any image of sexuality attached to myself. I’m just now discovering this. And, well fuck a duck, I’m exploring this now, because I want to be mentally healthier.

For a LONG time, I didn’t/don’t feel attractive (thanks Mom). I have an irrational, ingrained feeling that anybody finding me attractive can’t be a good thing. And, well, maybe that’s why I stayed with Doug. He always told me I wasn’t, and pooped on the idea of me being… sexy. YAH, this is SUCH an uncomfortable thing for me to talk about – even TYPE about. So. I didn’t have to confront my demons in this area. It was already determined, I am not sexy/attractive. I attach a fair amount of shame to my own attractiveness. And that is my comfort zone. Being with Doug let me stay in the comfort zone. I was a guy in Doug’s eyes. I wasn’t a woman. He told me that, and, well, he told OTHERS that.

I am discovering to my enormous chagrin, that I’m not going to be able to stay in my comfort zone. I am pretty. That’s really uncomfortable to type or even think. I can’t take compliments in the area well, and when conversations get to that point, I physically fidget and have an involuntary need to escape. For some reason, I have no problems in praise for my intellect or skills, but I have a huge, huge issue with anything that involves… GODDAMN I can’t even type this… sexuality, intimacy, etc. Any conversation or intimation that even approaches this, I label as pervy and then dismiss or delete it.

I am only now starting to understand, attention in this area, is not always pervy or bad. And fuck it all, I’m going to have to deal with this. I have such a skewed and twisted understanding of my own sexual-ness? that I don’t understand how to operate in that arena as a healthy individual. Ignoring it or pretending it didn’t exist worked for me for so long, I don’t know how to even be attractive in an appropriately healthy way.

And the fucking thing that has caused all this to come up is that, usually, I get the pervy offers that are easily dismissed and categorized as negative, but I am starting to get attention in this area from individuals that are NOT bad people, not “bad” men. The attention is genuine interest in me that is not intellectual – GODDAMNIT I CAN’T TYPE IT – … shit. Okay. Geniune interest in me that is a healthy sexual interest. Or at least, a genuine attraction to ME. All of me. I can’t even talk about this. Shit. I can’t even TYPE this.

The first indication, that I might have some big issue that needs to be addressed is that I had a nice young man ask me to dinner, again, recently. A PLATONIC DINNER. That was uncomfortable enough for me. But when he said “to get to know you better”, I literally started crying. I really couldn’t tell you why. It wasn’t, like, bawling or blubbering, but it was enough of a strange reaction to make me step back and wonder why the hell I was doing that. It wasn’t a date, and it was just another individual who want to get to know me better. I was flabbergasted at my reaction. Because, even if I was in a mental position to have this dinner, I’m still married, I was still going to respect my status and all, so there was no threat of it going anywhere close to something… well… something. So, why was I so unhinged at someone wanting to know me better?

At first, I blamed Doug. But. Doug didn’t do this to me. He DID use this tendancy against me, and exacerbate it to a HIGH intensity, but this didn’t originate with him. And truly, if it WAS a childhood thing, this is something I can overcome. This is a part of myself I can heal. I just don’t rightly know how to start. I guess, typing it out loud, will at least, make it real for me. And. Then. I have some clay to work with. Jesus. Aren’t I too old to be confronting any of this?

I’m wondering if I can get away with being an atheistic, celibate, potty mouth nun?