12 May 2018, 21:26

My life is predictably, exponentially, climbing toward better right now. I feel it, and when I have bad days (like today), I just apply a little bit of alcohol, it sands smooth the rough edges I’m having. It gives me the bravado and hope to understand and KNOW I will survive, and conquer.

What do you want to bet that whatever chaotic mess that is coming next is caused by Doug on May 25th? The delicate balance I have between dealing with everything and falling into the abyss will be disrupted by whatever selfish and abhorrent thing he decides to do – because whatever is best for him, is best, and fuck the rest of us.

I’m having good stretches, and they are lasting longer and longer. I have the worrisome days where my anxiety pushes me to the point I can barely keep my head above water. But I do. And the progress of that is, they don’t involve him. My anxiety and fret are about my future. About money. About moving. About bills. About food. About dogs. About employment. Just about the future. A future I CONTROL. A future that is mine. Something so frightening to me right now, I struggle to keep a grip on the rational. Because, it is NEVER as bad as I think it is. But, I keep my head just above the waterline, just above the panic I know is there. Because I have no safety net. It’s just me on this high wire, dancing for my life against the wind.

And I know he is there. Not a thinking human, but an animal that will do what he thinks is best for him because he wrongly thinks he’s is under attack. I cannot tell how he is going to hurt me. He does not care. He will do what he thinks is right to make himself look and feel better – he likes is winning. He has created victimhood for himself. Because if he had to confront and understand what he has done, remorse and guilt would cripple a normal person. He doesn’t care for anyone but himself, so he needs to avoid that pain. He is king. He needs to survive. He needs to win.

Thusly, I am the villain. And he hasn’t done anything wrong.

If he thinks about it, it is an almost impossible task casting me as such. So the acrobatics he has to do to put me in that role must be extraordinary. But, then, so will the hurt he has and will put on me. This WILL be the one last wound he will inflict upon me so that he can “win.” I do not look forward to this last bleeding out I will suffer. But I go into it, hoping it WILL be the LAST wound I do suffer.

I hope the HELL I learn from this. I hope I am never a victim of my own empathy again. He has turned my ability to love beyond myself, to care beyond my limits, into a flaw. He has turned my extraordinary ability to love into something I should fear. That shouldn’t happen to anyone. Ever.

Now. I understand why there is ruthlessness in the world. Why there is selfishness. Why there is “evil.” Now I understand why it is necessary.