| Now |


27 November 2018, 04:24

Man. It’s been a time, hasn’t it? Not the year’s end yet, but its pretty close. This year, the Christmas tree and lights are going up November 1st. I love lights and ornaments and things like that so, we are going to just deck all the halls and make everything colorful and bright. I have tons of Happy Meal toys to put up and I’ll probably have to wrangle all the dogs together for a Christmas card photo. I didn’t have one last year, for the obvious reasons, so this year, all three of the canines will grace my custom card.

I’m looking forward to this next holiday stretch. That’s a sentence I’ve said in, like, never. There are actual plans being made for things being done OUTSIDE the house. Not just blankies, dogs and chicken soup this year. There’s talk of going north to Delaware (Jennifer) for Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday), and have a little Myrtle Beach condo gift for Christmas weekend from my good friend Helen. So. It’s like it’s a real person type of life I’m living.

It’s been EXTREMELY hard this last year. There has been moments of sheer, unadulterated joy and more moments of panic and fear. And a LOT of blubbering. Some legitimate, most self pitying sob fests. I thought I would never get through it. I saw so much blocking my way, I thought it was unmovable. It’s just so much harder than I thought it would be, but its not impossible. And if I would just, begrudgingly take some good advice from a few friends, and not make so many stupid mistakes, it probably would have been easier to navigate. But I think all in all, and because I’m extremely blessed and lucky in the first place, I’m still here and still plugging away.

I feel good. For the most part. I do have the dips, but they are shorter and easier to pull out of these days. I’m done apologizing or feeling bad for being me – for the progress/lack of progress I’m doing, for the not-so-great-ways I deal with some stuff (trying to change some of my more self destructive habits – chastising me for them only makes me cling to them more) and just trying to stay positive. It takes strength I don’t have a lot of the time so, you end up like you’re a star in a shitty movie like “Twister”, strapping yourself to a pipe and riding out the tornado.

It’s hard, but there are so many rewards at the end of this current journey. I’ve picked up so much that is worth keeping. I’m stronger and happier than I have been a long time. And I’ve leveled up to moderate to advanced adult-mage in this stupid game of life, though the life experience I got cost a lot in health points. But this is all much better than what I had. And, admittedly, I had a lot before. I had worked hard to put down roots, become responsible and able to financially stand up with the rest of the tribe. I was starting to understand the situation I was in and rebel against it. I wasn’t doing it fast enough or confident enough, but sometimes when shitty people do shitty things, you find your strength, you gain speed and you develop confidence. He shouldn’t have done ANY of what he did, but the accomplishments and betterment my life went through because of it was ALL ME. It wasn’t anything more noble than that. He didn’t do what he did for anybody but himself. The good I dug out of this mess was MY victory. All he did was bog down a good person for damn near a decade, and when his feet were going to be held to the fire for his sins, he just got the fuck out of dodge.

Fuck. I don’t want to type that. I don’t want to even be there in that world anymore. It doesn’t matter and it doesn’t exist anymore. I was of two realities for a long time, but that past one (above) is fading fast. It does make an appearance every now and then but it is becoming a fuzzy memory and hopefully will blink out of existence. But the remnants are still there, and those embers need to grow cold and be swept away. I’m trying hard to do that, and it gets easier and easier. I’ll make you this promise. 2019 will be the year of NO MORE DIVORCE TALK (unless I actually have the final hearing in 2019). I’m going to not rototill that emotional pasture anymore. I need to bury it all in 2018. The blame, pain, resentment, etc. Although, I don’t know what the fuck I will talk about if I don’t have that shit to blather about. It will probably get awful boring around these parts, not having wounds to pick at and things to overanalyze.

I think maybe, I might have other things to talk about in the upcoming year. Maybe. Could be. We’ll see.

But anyway, uh, screw Halloween. It’s overrated as a holiday. Love Turkey Day, and Christmas won’t be bad.

Gonna be a good day, tater.