ENDINGS
30 December 2020, 09:06
What a year. What a stinkingly weird and awful year.
And we’ve come to the end of it.
My heart goes out to all this year has done to people. It’s been a rough one. We were lucky enough, that a good portion of it treated us well. 2020 caught up with us, though, at the end. I knew things weren’t going well about… say, November 8th, 2016. And boy, did it just take a spiral down to poopland from there. The last four years, with this previous one especially, has shown me many things about the world, about my neighbors/friends, about me. The good, bad and ugly, in all its glorious vibrance were truly on display. It was the year 2020 became a noun in the most derogatory of ways.
I usually try to take stock and a review of things around this time. Not sure I did it last year, as I am pretty unreliable as a person. But it would behoove me to remember all the things I am thankful for, all the things that have gone wrong, all the things that have gone right, and all the things that, by the grace of the universe, stayed the same.
I still worked, we still had money coming in, some from REALLY unexpected sources. I was rid of one albatross of a coworker, and gained a jewel of another. Some bad times were bad…. REAL bad. But they were few. And if the life lessons taught by them were learned, then I don’t regret going through them. We ended up learning from our mistakes, and when you do that, all sort of things can happen. I’ve learned what I was doing wrong, and what I should be doing, and what I was doing right. I think/hope/pray we all did. So I am fucking ecstatic about the path we are on and the horizon we are driving towards. I am proud of me, I am proud of Brian, and I am excited just about what the future holds, and the life we are living.
I still had a home, food, internet, dogs, Pookieman, love and hope for most of the year as I saw the fucking world on fire. In fact, this year has forced me to do more than be a bystander in life, I have had to be actively making my values happen. I have had to be the driving force behind the check my mouth writes. Imagine, getting older makes you MORE of an activist, how about that? I saw people fighting for their lives, and I saw people stand with them. I saw riots and peaceful demonstrations and was moved to join in, although as just a tiny part of a movement, I still felt like a little bit of history was being made.
I went to the BLM protests, and I was floored at the power and awesome atmosphere of them, thousands of people standing and protesting. Some things I didn’t agree with, most I did, and I was touched to see all this happening right in front of me. I came back to my little corner of Hee Haw, and heard people who weren’t there assume the worse of these people. I can only assume they think the worst of me, since I was a part of BLM, an organization they thought were criminals and thugs. I did see something that made me think – everyone was going on about how criminal and bad rioting is, how law and order should reign supreme – but the internet did make a point that without riots, we wouldn’t have labor laws and unions. Without riots, we wouldn’t have the civil rights and protections we do now. Without riots, we wouldn’t have stopped wars and government overreach. Without riots, we wouldn’t have had a revolution. I always thought it was peaceful-behind-the-scenes-playing-the-game that moved the needle. Don’t think that’s totally accurate. It is extreme expressions that do it. I don’t understand how people I thought were vaguely intelligent couldn’t understand the pain and anger that caused the protest, peaceful or otherwise. (shrug) The beat goes on. But now, I’m a little less… apathetic. I see the power that can be wielded. I have renewed hope.
And good goddamn if the plague didn’t happen. Well. Shit. At first, in the beginning, it didn’t touch me at all, except for a lot less traffic, and I drank on the porch with the neighbor’s pitbull a lot more. Love that dog. Then it became, I HEARD this person had it, and I saw strangers die from it, and a friend across the country got it. Abstraction became less abstract. Now. I’m a degree or two away from someone who has Covid. I KNOW people who’ve been seriously ill with it. I KNOW a person who has died from it. And its getting worse even has I pen this, even as they (powers that be who are orange in color or black of soul) said it would be almost gone by now. I am knowing more and more people who are diagnosed with the RONA, and knock on wood, I am still free of it. But it feels like the walls are closing in around me – walls dripping with disease. Ew, right? Not sure how this will all shake out.
I hope for the best, all the people who discovered issues beyond the plague. I wish the best for one who was diagnosed with cancer in November/December. He’s gotten the surgery and now is on a hard road to recovery. I wish him and his family all my best. He has a feisty, strong family, so I have no doubt that there will be no lack of strength and fight for the journey ahead.
I hope for the best of some friends who are struggling. Money is tight. Random fuckery made things hard for them. I wish I could help more than I am able to. I do what I can, offer sometimes what I probably shouldn’t, and I do so believe that my fortunate circumstances are a blessing that I should pay forward to those I am able.
But, 2020 didn’t leave me unscarred. September was probably the worse time of my entire life, second only to the death of Ken in 2007. Dingus/Divorce pales in comparison to the blow and life sucking pain of losing Easley, and to twist the knife even more, is the way she died. I may write something separate about that, but its still a open, bleeding wound to me. If I think about it for more than a couple minutes, I break down in tears. I really miss her and she left a hole in me that is raw and painful. I’m not sure how long it will hurt THIS much. But I think the circumstances of her death have added an extra dimension of hurt and guilt that will make this last quite long. My Easley…
The universe has a way of balancing out things though, and sometimes I almost believe in karma when the scales level out unexpectedly.
I gained two new family members. Two strays that showed up in my yard and in my life. They are the most sweetest dogs, the most derpy of derps, the most loving of little ones. I’ve forgotten how it is to have puppies around. The injection of youth and life these dogs have given me is unbelievable. And tiring. And exasperating. And maddening. And SO fulfilling. A bigger pool of love, but a bigger responsibility this mama dog has taken on. I’m a terror of a protector when it comes to my family. This has just amped up that in me. I don’t regret one thing about my new furry babies. It has given a shot of energy to life these days that amazes me.
I am wildly optimistic and jolly about the coming year. I am so grateful and thankful that things have worked out the way it did, 2020 taught me much I needed to learn, and changed me in way I probably needed to change. I want to look at it that way, even though, yeah good god in heaven, it absolutely sucked donkey balls in general for most.
So, lets get on with it already. 2021….
wheeeee.
