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REFLECTIONS

30 August 2009, 08:40

(pre-dating this to bury it a bit, but I DID write it today, August 30th, 2018)

I’m tired today. I am SO tired and numb. I haven’t felt this way since the old Doug days when life was really a heavy burden and I felt really bad about everything, everyone, especially myself. I am saddened by broken people. I’m saddened by the “lies” they comfort themselves in and the reality that is warped around them. I am saddened by the loss of someone who I thought was really special. And he is. He is really special. There is charm, and intelligence. There is humor and comedy. There is adventure and fun. There is also a nightmarish brokenness and tremendous fear/pain that overwhelms me and runs me over like a truck that comes out of nowhere at night to mow you down.

I was beautiful. I was sexy. I was kind. I was generous. I was amazing. Then. I was a liar. I was hateful. I was a narcissist. I was arrogant. I was deceitful.

After that, I am disengaged. For the most part.

With the ex, I was reduced to almost nothing. I became lonely, tired and numb. It was a realization in the last two or three months that it didn’t have to be like that. In fact, this is really sad to say, but the last four months were the happiest I ever felt. I fell in love with the new feelings I was having, the new me that I was becoming. I gained a new strength and had a new image of myself. I felt SO alive and so good. It was due, in a tremendously LARGE part, to a wonderful man. He’s someone I see SO much that is great and awesome. I see so much that is valuable and worthwhile in him. But, he’s a wonderfully broken man, and doesn’t see any of this. His defensiveness and pain is blinding and no one has immunity to his lashing out. Not even me. I understand a big part of where it is all coming from. I’ve tried to accommodate and accept; assist, advise and help. I shouldn’t have. Because in the end, I can’t bestow a sense of self worth in someone. They have to find that themselves.

The experience with the ex has taught me one thing. It has taught me how to see the signs of the nightmare, how to stand up for myself, how to have a good sense of self preservation that helps me compartmentalize things that aren’t right instead of internalizing it and making it my own. I have a lot less patience and have a more sensitive hair trigger when it comes to people abusing me, lashing out at me. I am still generous and want to save people. I just know in vivid color what I can and should do. What I can and should accept. What I can and should deserve.

I am sad. I have a tiny bit of a broken heart that this didn’t work out. Because. I cared for this wonderful, and wonderfully broken man. He gave me moments and memories that I’ll never let go of, because they are treasures that I love. But.

I am a different person. And. Well. I am NOT a liar. I am NOT hateful. I am certainly NOT a narcissist. I am a bit arrogant. And I was never, ever deceitful.

I only tried to help.