| Now |

KODAK 2

7 May 2004, 01:00

All I can think about is when I (we all) got to the vet, he look at me and thought “Mommy, I hurt. Mommy I want to go home.”

And I didn’t take him home.

I’m so sorry kodak. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t take you home.

Right now, I can’t. I feel like I’m being ripped apart from inside. And I can’t stop it. I can’t stop feeling the waves of stuff I can’t describe because all it is, is just waves that squeeze my throat, and rip at my belly.

I was the lucky one. I had kodak. It’s not fair that I had him for only such a short time. I was just becoming a decent human being, and he had to go.

I sit here at work, and I feel like I don’t belong here. I go home and it feels like I don’t belong there. I don’t know where I should be. I don’t know what I should be doing. I don’t know what I should have done. All I know is I have a tremendous sense of loss and a big hung of guilt that I should have done better by him.

My mind keeps almost frantically trying to remember all the times with Kodak when he was younger, like its searching for something or wants to remember before the memory is gone. I think its because its the only thing I really have left that IS kodak.

I never know what to say when something like this happens, and I get like this over a dog. When the dog had health problems or other kinds of difficulties. I have lots of people say things that just aren’t right like “you have two others”, or “you know, our neighbor lost a doggie, and I lost a doggie.” Sometimes people just need to shut up. Say that you are sorry for my loss and walk away.

It’s hard for people like me to explain that the dog was more than a dog. Especially Kodak since we grew up together, and for the longest time, he (and afga) were they only things in my life, my only family – and they were the only family that gave me unconditional love. It’s a hole that, right now, is sucking me down, and I’m not even fighting against it.

I am so soul sick, and I’ve lost my way.

I know I’ll be grieving for the rest of my life, and I don’t know if I will ever reconcile my guilt. I want to. I want to because I don’t think Kodak would be happy to see me sad. He was never happy to see me sad in life, and I hope I can do him proud now.

I’ll just be real bad off for a while. At best, I hope I can just sleep walk through life here for a while instead of what I have been doing which has been surfing massive waves of pain. I think only one or two people will really know how bad off I am , and I feel real sorry for whahizface right now cause he has to deal with me as well as his own grief.

I’m just missing him so bad it hurts to even be awake.

I’ve started a Kodak box of which I gathered old pictures, and old toy of his. I’ve started printing out all the messages to put in the box, private, emails, and posts to put in. I get a lock of his hair and a clay paw print in a week. And I think the last thing that will go in will be his ashes. I wish I didn’t have to wait a week for them, because it will kill me to get them, and I would rather not go through another uncontrolled public breakdown. I’ve had a few in the last three days. Don’t I sound just peaches to be around these days…

I’d like to publically thank these people, which doesn’t take the place of private messages which I promise I will get to writing. Because to me, for people to offer sympathy like this is remarkable since it IS for a dog.

Dawg

Lesh

Ourbill

Defiler’s Hand

Jim (at macmothership)

Sly

Surferchick (Gina)

Bill Campo

Nate

Kessia

Bob

Neo

Lucky

Jerome L.

Carter

Fishwheels

ChillyWilly

Loren

FreeIndividual

Biker

Evil Edna

Karl

STL

Stick

Shawn

I think there are more, but I’ll add to the list. I want you all to know that I’ve read every message, and a lot of them have made me weep – which isn’t a bad thing.

****

May 28th, 2004

Went and got Kodak’s ashes today.

Was holding up quite well this week till the ashes.

So I was blubbering at the Vet… again.

He came in a little gold box with a certificate from the Humane society. And the vet made a paw print and a card, and the lock of hair I wanted.

So I get home. Weepy but pulling it together, thankful that he got a box and I didn’t have to bring in home in a ziploc baggie.

I check the mail. The vet had made a donation to the Sedgwick County Zoo in Kodak’s name, and the zoo sent me a card.

So I be blubbering again.

My nose is always red now, and if I don’t stop this, people will be thinking I’m an alcoholic…. well. people who don’t know me… the ones who do already know the truth…