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MAZDA

5 May 2018, 20:54

So. I got this new ride. And I don’t understand why this new car is scaring me shitless. Well. Yeah. I do. This one, I can pinpoint the person that has caused me to be so scared of this. We all know his name. I know he is the origin, because a billion years ago, I bought a house. I was scared and weirded out by buying house and really panicked back then, but it was nothing compared to this little car loan and this black little vehicle that I’m starting to love. And I’m frightened of loving this car.

I have been scared enough out of my mind in buying this. Because, I feel like I’m a fraud doing this, that I can’t do this. I keep saying “I got this” and everybody around me says it, too. I use to be afraid, but not fearful. The difference from the house and this car is that my self worth has been drained so I am doubting and scared and I don’t know how to fix it all. I can’t enjoy this giant investment in my life, in my value. I’m trying to change my mindset about this. I GOT this shit.

I have own this car for 3 hours now. The first hour and a half, I was near tears. My stomach was in knots and I wanted to vomit. This last hour and a half, with the help of Capt. Morgan and some beer, I can look at this and not be scared. This last minute, I think I love this car – and it feels weird to do that. I. got. this. shit.

So much good has happened in the last month, and I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid if I think I deserve it, I’m afraid if I accept it, I’m afraid if I DO love it, I will get punished. This IS Doug. Not my parents, not anything else. This was Doug’s doing. From an objective, empirical standpoint, comparatively, this car has been a bigger emotional quandry than the house. When I bought the house, I was scared but Ken never crippled me so badly like this. I know I wasn’t going to mention his name or anything anymore, but THIS is… some THING. Some THING I need to work through. This THING is something I know where it came from. And I’m just being honest. I’m so scared.

BUT. Fuck this. I got this.

Isn’t it a nice car. It IS, isn’t it? It is amazing. A nice 2013 with 62k miles on it. It purrs and I think it likes me.

I’m going to try and enjoy this. This really is a great step and a great thing. I’m going to go sit in it in the dark.