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REBUILD

24 May 2008, 01:00

I really have no semblance of a life now. I really don’t. I’m struggling to rebuild something I voluntarily trashed.

I had friends, I had a job, I had a sense of security, I had person who loved me.

Now I don’t know what the hell is going on. I’ve put 5000 miles on the car from going back and forth from NC to Dodah, I have no income coming in, I don’t see the dogs when I’m gone, I have no road map for what’s going on, I have no inkling on what is going to happen to me. The 3D support system I had is now gone, or severely reduced. Okay, the Ken thing, I didn’t do. But the rest I pitched for the hope of something better.

I had describe what was happening to me slow suicide, a stagnation of the soul and a sapping of what life I had left in me.

So what is this now? Quick hari kari by highway driving? Is this any better than what I had? I keep thinking that if you don’t risk big, you’ll never know the heights of what could have been. Well. I’m trying to convince myself I’m not an asshole for saying that. Everyone (save one person) has always said this was the best thing I could have done and that I will do fantastic. And to be fair, I only have been looking for a NC job with a local NC address for this past week – and have gotten three inquires/replies from the resumes I send out, and a couple of electronic inquires/replies, so maybe I shouldn’t be sweating the job thing so much. But the rest of it is up in the air. I have doubts, especially when I’m sitting in St. Louis rush hour traffic with no idea how I will get over to the KC exit. AND IS THERE ANYWAY IN HELL I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO ST. LOUIS EVER AGAIN? I might start taking I-40 to NC, I hate St. Louis THAT much.

But. Today. I tried to do the drive back from NC in ONE day. I got a good nights sleep last night and headed out this morning at 6 and hit the mountains around Asheville and Knoxville. And I didn’t LOATHE IT. I actually did very well, and since there was no Knoxville traffic, I didn’t LOATHE Knoxville as much as I usually do. In fact, I did a few things different. I drove in 4 to 5 hour stretches and apparently used less gas? I don’t know how that happened. And I don’t have a fear of the big bridges anymore, it was a temporary phobia I guess. Still scared shitless of overpasses and those overpass ramp deals. Scared out of my mind. Scared out of my shorts. I usually do them at about 30 or 25 and piss off the people behind me, but fuck’em, I’m an out-of-state-bad-driver so they can cut me some slack.

I’ve discovered I hate St. Louis. At night, in the afternoon, whenever. And I hate driving at night on unlighted roadways. The whole drive today was a pleasant wonderful surprise up until the last hour or so of my sojourn home. My brain decided to shut down, but unfortunately I was still trying to use it at the time. I was about an hour from home and the last bit of sun was going down, when the brain stopped making logical gestalts out of shapes and lights for me. It basically told me to go screw myself, and I couldn’t understand how to take highway curves or what the little white lines on the pavement meant. It was that bad. Plus, my eyes couldn’t see midtones anymore (they can now) but its was just like being in a pitch black room and every light was ten times brighter than what they should have been and shining in your face with star filters on your eyes.

So about an hour from home, in a very familiar setting, I felt like I was on an alien planet and was going about 40 on the highway trying to figure out if driving off the interstate into the ravine was a better solution than trying to drive the rest of the way home.

I’ll pull it together I guess. I’m just tired right now. And I took a real bath for the first time in 4 days, and I’m going to have a nap. After I hug the dogs to death. I hope this all works out. It would be a fracking shame for Duh to have ruined her life. That would suck for sure.