STRESSING
16 October 2018, 10:53
It’s stressing. A lot of little things in my life are pulling at me. A lot of things I can’t quiet in my head are jabbering at me. A lot of little things are pecking pieces off of me. Taken individually, they are really nothing burgers. It’s just they are all coming at me like a zombie horde and its really overwhelming.
I keep thinking I can get my strength back – that THIS is the day I feel better, I feel stronger, I feel more in control. The day never lasts, the feelings never last, the strength is just temporary and I’m back to square one, wondering how the fuck I can get it all back on the rails again. I have much going for me. And I’ll admit, a lot of what’s going on in my head is self made drama. I am the only one even thinking about this stuff. I envy the people that can just turn off their brains for a while and run on autopilot. Mindfullness comes easy for some. The only time that happened to me, where I was awash in the calming effect of a still mind was when I was sitting in the emergency room for the second time, sore and throbbing from breaking up the last dog fight. Most of what I worry about is which direction I need to be taking, and which burdens I need to be carrying. I can’t help it. I feel the burdens of others, especially those close to me, and I undertake the task of lugging their baggage around with me. I stopped remembering the lessons I had JUST learned. That I can’t save everybody. That I can’t control everything. That I can’t solve it all.
I forget how much progress I’m making because my own mistakes overshadow it all. I wish to hell I knew how to control it all, but I can’t. For a while, I was pretty good in dealing with my loss of control. I find myself envious of those who are emotionally unavailable, shutting off the torrents of feelings I have. They do me little good other than to underscore and emphasize the pain and panic that has been my companions for a while now.
I wish I was the praying kind, but, seriously, I don’t know what comfort I would get from that. I wish I could afford the therapy to just unload onto someone else, and have some help in dealing with my load. I want someone to slap me around, telling me what your doing now is WRONG. STOP being the pack animal for someone else’s life.
