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GOODBYE
13 April 2024, 08:09
I don’t even know how to start this.
It’s a goodbye for one of my best friends.
I don’t even know how I’ll be able to finish this.
At least I was able to give him a proper goodbye.
Hurley’s fight with kidney failure ended. He passed from the world and passed from my life this weekend.
It’s almost unbearable, I sit here and I have his death saturating my being right now. I struggle to deal with him not being here. Hurley was one of my best friends. Yes. He was a dog. Yes. He was a challenging dog. Yes. I never gave up on him. Until now. There will never be a time someone can convince me I did all I could. In the back of my mind, the voices wail a never ending chorus, telling me I missed something, or I could have done something else, or that I caused this in some way. All the answers I try to shout back sound hollow and like justifications of my selfishness. I could have tried to regulate his diet more, he was very obese throughout his life. It’s just that limiting his food back then, exacerbated his food possessiveness and aggression. I could have gotten second or third opinions, I could have given all my money to put him in hospitalization that wouldn’t have guaranteed his recovery, or would it? I don’t remember. I only remember that tests were done “to make my decision easier.” There was talk of if he was pulled back from the brink, it wouldn’t have been very far, and his regimen and maintenance for a dog with his condition was administering TWO LITERS of fluid a day. He would have spent the better part of his life chained to a needle and a bag. I don’t know how good the quality of life would have been. I don’t even remember if they meant that was to be temporary or permanent. I was very disconnected at the time. I was holding his head while they were giving him fluids, he was trying to hold my hand, and I felt my world just hit a wall and shatter. I felt my soul just crumble.
Been trying to deal with this for a day or two now. Not really doing it in any meaningful way. Just getting all the arrangements done and trying not to… I don’t know. Just trying not to fail him anymore than I have. He was an old dog, and it was the chronic kidney failure that had the signs come and had a ramp up to the conclusion. I knew something was wrong a year ago, but he was normal albeit a little less active and had lost weight. There was a suggestion of blood work I couldn’t afford and I had made a decision to wait since he was eating, drinking, pottying and acting normal. Then I quit my job. Then I got another one. One that let me afford some blood work. I think it in March I finally got him to a vet – a month ago? I can’t quite remember. And his kidney levels were super high. He had fluid treatment which seem to tick them down a bit and was sent home with treatment for us to administer. We changed his diet and he seem to stabilize. I think it began about three days ago when he took a turn downward. He stopped really eating and drinking, and the fluids seemed not to help at all. I brought him in and in the midst of examinations and tests, it was determined he was dehydrated to the point where his veins had pretty much collapsed, at least where they tried to draw blood. There was no more talk of “it’s not his time”. Only talk of they couldn’t do what he needed there, he’d have to be transferred to another facility and then things got fuzzy and foggy for me after that. The tests were done to “help me make a decision.” I made the decision to end my dog’s life. It’s the hardest type of decision I have had to make, and the pain is so unbearable sometimes, it chokes me till I can’t breathe or speak.
I don’t know if it was right or not. He is no longer in pain. He won’t be scared anymore. He won’t feel the terrible anxiety that has plagued him most of his life. He also can’t feel the love I have for him that will never die.
He went through so much, and in the end he was a happy dog. The prozac and the aging process allowed him to be less stressed and actually enjoy his life, and it is so unfair that the universe took him away just when he was able to do this. I was with him his last morning (I didn’t know it was his last morning). He was sleeping on his little couch, dreaming. I stroked his fur and prayed to gods that I don’t believe in to watch over him and help him. He has always been a challenge. He has had mental issues that made him aggressive to probably the point of dangerous. But he was a dog that deserved to be saved. He was loving and smart and just wanted to live a good life, as best as he could. I never gave up on him. Through emergency room visits and dog fights and bites and anger, I found a soul I deeply loved who deeply loved back. I found one who wanted to live and wanted to be good and tried his hardest to be as good of a soul as he could be. And he succeeded. You succeeded, Hurley. You were such a good dog, such a happy dog at the end. It was too short of a time, and it just rips and tears at me that this was the end. I never did really right by you Hurley, and for that I’ll always be sorry.
Hurley loved walkies and car rides. He hated thunderstorms and jumped around the house trying to bark and scare the storms away. He loved pets and playing in the water at the park. He loved his humans and maybe even his brothers and sisters. He loved sucking fingers and eating cheese. He really loved his CBD and his couch. He enjoyed so many things and I hope his life added up to a good one. I can never be sure. I just don’t want him gone. I want him here. I am bargaining and pleading that I just need two more days, weeks or years with him, but I know at the end of those two days, weeks or years, I’ll just trying to make a deal to the devil for two more.
Hurley was dreaming, and I often wonder what he was dreaming of. I am so fucking grateful that this time, I had the chance to say goodbye. To be there for him in the end. I hope when he meets Easley in the hereafter, he will, at last, be friends with her and tell her all the things I wanted to and couldn’t when she died.
People thought a lot of things about my dog Hurley. But THIS was my dog Hurley. This is one of the dogs among many I will carry with me till I die.
I hope I see you again Hurley. I love you. You were a good boy.
PS. I would like to thank my vet Sunset Animal Clinic, and Well Pets Animal Clinic.
