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HURLEY
2 April 2024, 10:51
I’m watching my dog die.
And it hurts.
It’s been a bunch of years since I lost Easley. To this day, I don’t go for more than a day or two without thinking of her. I no longer cry if I think of her for a few minutes or more, but I do after dwelling on it. At the time, I wrote things out of pain and a sincere and deep anguish I was feeling, and I always thought I’d go back and write something more as a memorial for her. She was a piece of me that died, and the way that she died was doubly harrowing for me. I was never able to write something about her. It’s only now, I’ve really been able to sit and think and write about her, but I’m fighting to keep the tears back. And in the future, I might be able to actually pen something longer and more insightful, and properly memorialize her.
I think about that now because Hurley is going through chronic kidney failure. I am watching him die. Albeit, his death isn’t imminent I don’t believe. I hope, anyway. He’s been losing weight for about 6 months and he took a downward turn about month ago, so I scheduled a vet appointment for him and bloodwork was done. He was resoundingly healthy in all aspects except for dangerously high kidney levels. They kept him for a couple of days, administering fluids and got his levels to tick down. They are still very high, but he got to come home, and we are administering fluids at home, plus we’ve changed his diet and I am looking into supplements to help manage his condition.
This is something that he will never get well from. This is something he will die from. All I can do is manage his condition, and give him the best quality of life I can.
As with Kodak, as with Easley, and probably some other dogs I’ve had, I’ve either written memorials or wanted to. With Easley, I struggle with trying to, and it tears at me that I am unable to properly eulogize her because of my pain. This is why I’m trying this now.
Hurley has been a part of my family, a part of my life for 10 years. We found him in the fields next to the house, and he never left. He has had a mountain of problems, mental and physical. There are been times he’s hurt other dogs and been hurt by other dogs. He’s a unique and troubled dog that I never gave up on. There are times I’ve went without to give to him, whether it was food, medicine, or time. This last couple of years, I think I finally found the secret sauce to make his life so much better. One big thing that made things better was prozac, and I feel guilty that I didn’t give him this medication earlier. After being on that, plus maybe getting older, helped him with his anxiety. Behaviorally, he’s a magnitude more happier and calmer. We reduced his anxiousness and tension this dog has felt for a long time. He’s been relax and happy.
It’s been a hard road for me and Hurley. There have been dog fights and emergency room visits. There has been weight gain, nails, arthritis, etc. ad nauseam. There’s been a couple of car rides headed to the animal shelter that I just could not complete. There also has been an tremendous amount of love. I’ve delighted in the moments when he’s happy, I’ve sat in quiet comfort with him sleeping next to me, I’ve never found the limits to the love I have for this dog. I’ve never gave up on him and he’s been my boy for 10 years, one that, in the last couple of years, I’ve seen transform into the best dog he could be.
I’m watching him die.
I’m watching a piece of me die. I don’t know if he’s got weeks, months, or years left. He’s got a follow appointment to see where we are in his condition. We are still treating him at home with fluids. He seems to have gotten a little better, although I’m praying that’s just not my imagination. I’ve had dogs leave my life, and it never gets easier. The pain never goes away. It doesn’t get better. It just gets old.
I wanted to write something about Hurley while he is still at my feet. I’m not sure what I wanted to write. Probably that he was a dear part of my life, and I wouldn’t have traded it all for anything.
Hurley, you’re a very good boy and I love you.
