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Fat
29 March 2023, 22:16
Yeah we love being fat, don’t we? Lordy, why wasn’t I born circa 1600 or so when rubenesque was dah bomb?
Now, I’ve been on both ends of that teeter-totter. I’ve been REALLY thin to where my mom took me to the doctor and said “WTF” (result: I was heavier than she thought and I ate, so my thinness was from a frenetic nervous system that vibrated me to supermodel size whenever I had family stress) and I’ve been the fatty-fat-fat size that is worrying. Right now, I’m probably on the side of fatty, not sure if its at the worrying stage yet.
I’ve NEVER EVER thought I was too fat (till about lately, and even of late, I don’t care enough to … well, care). I know I looked really … thin. And the fucked up thing about it is that NOBODY, sans my mom, thought there was a problem. It was the exact opposite. I was praised for being skeletal. Even in the 90s when muscular was in vogue, it was still muscular AND thin. My weight and looks have been a source of attention. Most all females do have a preoccupation about their looks, healthy or not, based on their own focus or the focus outside themselves. I, myself, am only slightly disturbed by my body image, and I’m quite proud of that. I’m quite proud of the fact that I haven’t take it to an self-abuse level of dieting, fretting and craziness which could cripple me mentally and damage me physically. My heart actually goes out to those who have eating disorders and body dysmorphia which probably stems from some deeper esteem issue. I dodged that bullet that would make my body my clay to mold in order to solve a problem in my head. I have never, ever saw food an enemy. It’s little comfort, I guess. And it’s a prejudice I have in that area, that girls with eating disorders resorted to this to correct a mental image of themselves. It’s wrong and I know.
The reason why I’m pondering all this is twenty fold. I had family who was abusive in the way they saw me – too skinny, too unappealing – which, coupled with an ex who almost daily, reminded me how sub-standard, and eventually unattractive I was – made having the correct body image slightly confusing to me. The reason this all comes into my mind is that I am following a young lady on Insta who has had an eating disorder, plus a TRUCKLOAD of other issues. I finally just started from the beginning of her Instagram to see how she has evolved. Currently, she is overweight and greying (much like I am) and she just celebrated her 34th birthday. She has repeatedly lamented her physicality but seems to have come to some terms with it. I’m happy for her. It’s a hard weight to carry when you feel you are not appealing.
When I looked at her old pictures, she was really attractive when she was thin. There was this little thought nagging in my head that she look too thin, but I rationalized that with my own experience. I fucking looked like that I need a sandwich when I was her age. I fucking looked like I needed to maybe nosh on a fully cooked, 30lb turkey. The difference between me and this girl is that she threw up to stay that thin. She looked in the mirror and saw fat. I ate voraciously when I was young, and the thing I saw in the mirror was too thin, too unattractive.
The thing is. She looked GREAT thin. And the thought struck me is that my preference to her being thin is part of the problem with the perception and perpetuation of this … image… that decimates the self esteem of so many people. I try to argue against it in my head, but, even in my own judgment of myself, thinner is better. Thinner is NOT better. It is NOT healthier. It’s NOT more attractive. Etc. Etc. Etc.
I had a college boyfriend who justified his preference for thin girls to fat ones because “thin girls are more healthy”. What a crock of shit. But still. I look at this woman’s pictures, and I KNOW that the woman is unhealthy, I know this woman is unhappy (from her hindsight posts) and I know this woman is a slave to the mental illness that is ravaging her body.
You know what’s fucked up? I STILL wished in my heart, half jokingly “man. I need an eating disorder for a little while”.
I fucking understand what is unhealthly. I fucking understand standards of beauty are artificial shackles. I fucking understand that we are beauty at any size, age, weight, etc.
But the fucking indoctrination runs SO fucking deep, that my brain can’t overrun all that sewn seed. It’s so indoctrinated in me that I have to talk myself OUT of feeling this way, or explain to myself WHY I’m feeling this way.
I have no love for the “fat acceptance” movement, but equally no affection for the “healthy” body image we brainwash our girls to strive for.
But damn. All of this runs deep. To where you question your body’s health when you don’t LOOK “healthy”. And when that, in itself, causes you harm and pain.
Random rant – I’ll read this tomorrow and make it more cohesive. But tonight, I look at a poor woman, who LOOKED healthy and wasn’t, and now IS and looks like that slovenly unappealing.
AITA?
