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2 July 2023, 12:41
So. To sum up vacation.
I am not made for it.
I accumulated an unreal amount of comp time at my job, and I can’t spend it when I want usually, so this time, I found some time that I COULD take off and scheduled 19 days of it. FOOK. About three weeks of I-don’t-know. I had plans and stuff but that never works out because then I get to what I planned and don’t want to do it. I was going to spend the first week cleaning and then the rest relaxing in a clean house, maybe go to the movies or walk out into the outside world to go do human-like activities. Yeah. It didn’t work out that way.
First three days were okay. I started cleaning and fixing up the dump. Still on the 5 hour crack, and feeling so motivated. Although the vacuum got kilt and I needed to mow the lawn, I had the fire in the belly to get all this accomplished despite these set backs. First three days turned into the first week, and I had cleaned as much as I could and then had nothing to do. FOOK. Some serious boredom set in. I got antsy in the pantsy and just irritated. This was when I stopped the caffeine to give my body/mind a break from the sweet, sweet elixir of life that makes me happy and upright. So this first week, I slept more, felt more down, felt antsy, felt irritated and had the all consuming migraines and sublimated murderous rage that comes with going off my ambrosia of joy, my drug of choice, my precious. That first week kinda sucked, but I plodded through. I don’t even remember most of it. I know I got all my retail impulse buys in the mail – I TEMU-ed up a storm. TONS of cheap Chinese crap came to the house. Weird socks, solar lights, shitloads of mosquito netting, thingies that projected water scenes on the wall, etc. etc. Started on the chill-spot/go-away center on the porch. Put up a tapestry and the netting.
Turns out, mosquito netting, when hung wrong and doubled up like I did, not only keeps out the skeeters, but traps a lot of other bugs that just hang there until their eventual demise… and then just stay there. Ew. The cheap socks and other crap I got, I opened – I have to say, its about a 5050 shot of getting something that’s total crap and getting something purdy cool. So. In essence, except for the debilitating migraines, and the urge just to smack people in the head every 15 minutes or so, the first week was…. okay.
By the end of the first week, I was full-on uncaffeinated. And that sucked. And getting to be broke. I was antsy and sleeping a lot and the weather was just nuts. Hot, then swampy cool, then raining. I puttered around the house, wanting to just lay down, but when I laid down, I wanted to get up. I wanted to do things, but I just didn’t have enough UMPH to get up and do them. I wanted just beat people with my shoe for every little thing, but I tried not to, because that wouldn’t be cricket. I wanted to nap and watch TV but then I didn’t want to nap and watch TV. I sure didn’t want to go outside into the hot, BUGGY hell that is nature. Fuck walking in the park. And we don’t have a boat I can lay on while I dangle my feet over the side and drink beer, so that wasn’t happening. The irritation of not having a vacuum or a lawn mower started to occupy the braincase more and more. I wasn’t getting the stuff done I wanted to and it was REALLY FUCKING BOTHERING ME.
I just am bothered when I don’t have anything to do, or I see things I COULD get done and can’t, or I see things that need to be done and don’t get done or things that I could clean and I don’t. I did start to clean some more, and am told “you should just relax” and people are bothered that I don’t do vacation kind of stuff. So NOW I got to frett about the fact I’m pissing other people off because of what I’m not doing or what I’m doing. It’s just a fishbowl of all this shit going on in my head, because I have nothing to do, or I can’t just do what I want to do.
I did schedule shit I needed to do this vacation. Well. At least ONE thing. This second-to-last week, I took fat-boy to the vet. He’s been losing weight, and just HAPPY the last 5 months or so. I mean, really happy. Non-nutty, psycho type of happy. Like almost a regular dog. He’s been less possessive, less tense and more vocal. He wants to talk all the time, and now when something catches his interest, its not in a I-need-to-kill-it sort of way. He’s less worry-inducing and I do believe he has a better quality of life now. He’s still on a low dosage of prozac with doggie xannies for thunder, fireworks and vet visits. And the vet said he lost 5 lbs. He still needs to lose about 18 more, but FUCK A DUCK IN A TRUCK, that is a BIG improvement from the last, say, 4 years. He’s only mildly morbidly obese now. He even got his nails trimmed, though it still took three of us to hold him. I was so proud, and uplifted from the experience, I made appointments for Red and Buddy, who I am thinking are a gay couple now. Red might be Bi, though. He DID howl for some girly in heat the other morning. But he’s kissy-cuddly with the Buddy-dog and I have to continually yell “No-Weiners” at them when they are doing that licky-licky of the other’s junky-junky. It might be a non-sexual licky-licky, but my house is a nice PG house, and my mind stays on Nickelodeon mode, so any junky-related activity un-comforts me. Sue me. I’ve got issues.
I did do something neat though. I met a little friend in person from the internet, and she turned out not to be a psychopath, so YAY, I have a new friend who’s not going to kill me. I have been meaning to meet one or two of these Facebook photonic friends in real life, but I’ve always lost the motivation to because I REALLY like sitting in this chair and not getting up. It worked out so well, I might do it again. This doesn’t mean I’m head hunting for new friends. Quite happy with the quality and amount of them I have now. I just had two stand-out candidates that seem ripe for assimilation, and so, those are the ones I put on my to-do list.
And the lawn is just about all mowed. GODDAMMMMMMMM that feels good. Having long grass makes me feel the foliage is closing in all around me, trapping me in the house. FUCK YOU MOTHER NATURE.
And the go-away spot is almost done on the porch. Just need a table for that. Maybe a lounge chair. Some potted skeeter-repellent plants.
And I got most of the house clean to about 85% of what I want it to be. Just got to get a vacuum for some of it to get it to 100%, and a gallon of gasoline and light to burn the rest I can’t clean to my satisfaction.
And I’m down to the last 4 days of vacay, and it seems nice now. A week doesn’t seem as daunting or laborious to get through as fucking three weeks. I wasn’t built to do nothing. Just not meant for it. Yesterday morning, I got up at 4:30 am and got things done. And today it was about 6:30 am that my eyes popped open. And I broke down and took a 5 hour crack, and now I feel like SUPERWOMAN. I want to clean and run around the house and all that jazz. I wasn’t feeling really bad from lack of crack. First couple of days, I had migraines and psychosis. After that it was just tiredness and a blah feeling. AND IRRITATION. Irritation with the world and everybody around me. That never went away. I’m not sure what I’ll do for the next four days, but caffeine is going to be a part of it.
And soon, I will have no time or energy to do nothing again. And, ironically, I’ll want to do nothing. It’s probably like childbirth. You forget how poopy it was to go through, and will want to do it again.
Because, you know, I still have about 80 more hours of comp time to burn right now, and that number will just grow.
Happy summer.
