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DIVORCE DOWNWARD SLOG

20 February 2018, 12:46

So. After seven years, Doug Waddell left me. He broke my heart and gutted my world. October 2017 I found out he cheated on me, and that November he ran away, leaving me with a shattered life, and more problems and pain than I could bear. The below is just the accumulation of slag and shit from those months. I still can’t conceive its only been about 3 months. You can see my progression through this as you read. It’s not pretty. It does get better, I get better, around part 3. A new year brought a new life.

This is November 10th through 20th.

Nov 10, 2017 6:27pm

So I got home today. I talked to Doug. We had a long talk about a lot of things. We are splitting. After 7 years, we are splitting. He just doesn’t feel about me the way I feel about him. He loves me. I am his best friend. I could be one of the best things that’s ever happened to him. We just don’t have that great “love affair” and he feels that we’ll just end up miserable together.

I love him more than life itself. For me, he was my love affair. He made me happy, he made me crazy, he made me mad, he made me sad, he was the man I wanted to see every day, the one I had hoped would see me as his love. For him, love ended at the water’s edge. For him, were the best of friends and that was it.

This would be so much easier if I hated him. My heart wouldn’t be breaking in million pieces if I thought he was horrible. It would be a cake, if I didn’t love every part of him – the good, the bad, the ugly. And the worst of the worst is that I’m losing my best friend, and I will never see or hear from him again. He’s taught me strength, he given me much that I can’t even put into words, he’s given me happiness I’ve never known. He’s also brought me to agonies and miseries that made me hate him… for a little while. I’ve never stopped loving him, and I’ve never stopped believing in him.

I don’t know how to do this. It would be so much easier if I could hate him. I would delete his pictures, I’d get rid of all that reminded me of him. I don’t know if I can or I should or even if I want to. I have no idea what the next step is.

How do you delete love.

Nov 11, 2017 6:49am

And so it begins, I guess. It’s the start of an ending, of a life breaking apart. I’m up. It’s way too early. Doug and I ended yesterday, and he, I would guess couldn’t take being here with me (it was too hard, he said). He was going to go drive around˜and text me later. He’s not been back home.

I have not been able to sleep. I have VERY quickly reverted back to the habits I had just after Ken died. I had to have the light on and the TV low to even lay down. I haven’t been hungry for weeks now and haven’t really eaten since my car went Kaplooey. I’m wondering how I got here, what I did to convince myself this was my true path – it showed itself to be not. By all accounts, and outside accounts, and friends accounts, and family’s accounts, Doug wasn’t a good bet to lay your money on. From the beginning, the VERY beginning, I had vowed that whatever happens, wherever the road takes us, I am always his friend. Back then, I had healthy wariness of him and there was a few times I could have left, and did try once or twice. I knew he was getting over TWO women he seemed very much in love with. I even encouraged him that if he really wanted these women (either) he should go with his heart – that I would even help him in his quest. Way back I loved him, but i loved myself more.

Over and over again, he clung to me and he push me away, always a seesaw. I was strong, I was understanding, I was his friend, I was his lover, I was his protector, and I was his advisor. Even he will say that I was the best thing that happened to him and probably saved him from a lot of things. That is what he says. The thing is, about Doug, he fibs a lot. I don’t know, and will never know, how he really feels. I’ve been able to tell by his actions, never by his words. It’s taken 7 years but I know him very well. Because if you look at both of us, we are exactly alike. We react mentally and physically exactly to the same things, we have almost the same sense of humor, thought patterns are a like. There are key differences, but not enough for me not to be drawn to him for this reason. I realize that was a big part of me forgiving over and over again. He was me, and too many people in the past had given up on both of us, or written us off, and I was determined not to be that person. I would always be here for him. And, although we can’t have a relationship or friendship now, if he was ever in trouble and needed my help, I’d be there for him.

We’ve been through so much together in the last 7 years, and although Doug will say “we’ve never really been happy” that’s another fib. We’ve been happy. We’ve been sad. We’ve been miserable. We’ve been bored. We’ve been angry. We’ve been mundane. Doug is unahppy now. I believe it has a lot to do with the overwhelming circumstances of things in his life. He has no money, no job, some of his recent endeavors have just crashed and burned spectacularly and our relationship isn’t one of Romeo and Juliet. I believe we could have weathered a lot of this, had he not had the affair. But that weighs heavily on him, and he uses it as one of things to run away now. I have, in the last 7 years, grown to love him more than my own life, and don’t want to trap him somewhere he doesn’t want to be. I let it all go.

Everyone, and I mean A LOT of people have taken me aside and warned me about Doug, or have asked me “WHY?”. I had one of his friends who had just met me “he doesn’t treat you well, why are you with him?” I think about all that I have been through and put up with. He accepted a lot of me that I thought were unacceptable. That meant the world to me, so I think that’s why I accept so much that I shouldn’t have from him. He is also smart, and funny, and talented. He has a great capacity for caring, and has the potential of a million burning suns. And (he’ll love this one) he is a very handsome man.

I sit here, my stomach is churning. I worry about him and at the same time feel betrayed. I love him and at the same time feel like a fool. Because I knew better. It’s not all Doug’s fault. If I were honest and wanted to face the truth, it would be Doug could never love someone like me. I am a strong, intelligent, non-trusting, selfless person. I am not materialistic to the least, and I am not needy. Doug has a predefined structure for his life – THIS should happen, THAT should be like THIS, NO deviation should happen. Doug needs to be needed. Doug needs someone who vunerable so he can be strong. Doug needs a lot of things that aren’t me. He joked one time, that he should have picked the girl with big tits and that was dumb as a lamp.

There were/are a lot of flaws that come with him, that he keeps hidden very well. I was one of the fortunate ones who really knew Doug. I hope he speaks well of me when he does, and I hope he knows there will always be someoen out there who loved him unconditionally. In the end, I couldn’t be what he wanted. And that breaks my heart.

I’ve posted this on doug’s facebook. I’m sure he will delete it because it doesn’t show him in the most perfect light, but I wanted to show people who I was. Nobody knew me, except for being a name on a page. I’m not even sure how I was talked about, or even if I was. I just wanted people to know, I WAS somebody, and not just the sum of a name on a page or a someone’s passing thoughts.

Nov 11, 2017 10:46am

There’s a lot of things you go through in life that you don’t know. I’m not talking about the BIG things like death or divorce. I’m talking about the little things dealing with death or divorce.

When somebody dies, there’s no book telling you what to do. Like, what do you do after they tell you? Call somebody? Call somebody abou the body? Where does the body stay? Are you suppose to take it? Are you suppose to go home? What do I do now I’m home? How do I arrange funeral stuff? Transportation stuff? What do I do with death certificates? All sorts of little things like that.

Divorce seems to be the same way. I’m not sure what to do now. We did a bunch of fighting, but there is no hate or anything, and it seems to consist of a bunch of sitting around and watching TV. Seeing what we are going to do about lunch. Does he leave? When does he leave? Does he take stuff? Do I need to call a lawyer? Who pays for the lawyer (I think he should since he did all this shit)? Does his shit stay here? Does he stay here till he finds a place? What about rent and stuff? What about switching over bills and shit? Dividing stuff up? I think that stupid cat goes with him too. It’s all surreal and mostly seems like its a cartoon. I’m starting to think he’s doing this because of the affair – the looming potentiallity that we both will end up miserable. Doesn’t seem like a solid enough reason for a divorce, but Okay, I can go with that. I still don’t know what needs to go on and there isn’t that urgency most people have when they are getting a divorce because they each are overboiling with hatred for the other.

Jesus. And being a control freak, its hard to take Cher Watkins Wheeler’s advice to just “be”. He comes home, we have one big screamy-memey about the FB post (“It’s EMABARASSING.” “No, SHIT, Doug. You shouldn’t have done the crap in the first place”.) and now, sharing a blanket, watching TV. Talking about what’s going to happen for lunch. Still divorcing. Still not Romeo and Juliet. Still a massively messed up situation. Just watching TV waiting to nap.

I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.

Oh yeah, he didn’t block me from FB, he just deactivated his account. He says “I’d never do anything like that to you.”

Like I said. Twilight Zone.

Nov 13, 2017 5:48am

So here’s a strange twist. Sad and panicked have been my normal state for a while. This weekend we struggled to get a handle on what is happening I think. Sunday and Saturday, the relationship seems normal again. I’m talking before the bad thing, just normal. So at this point its a cue for me to ask a bit about “was it all bad” and “why did you stay” and all that bullshit. He says no we had a great thing for a while, and it was going, and we were building towards something and then it went downhill (in my mind, it coincide with all the things that went south for Doug). So I ask, well, what the hell happened. And a bunch of stuff like we just now are best friends living together, I stopped trying dot dot dot – shaving my legs regularly, caring whatever. There are too many dogs. But the dogs, I like the dogs. We couldn’t live someplace else, we’d have to have a big yard (you want to live in the country with big yard) but I love the dogs blah blah balh. I said, well, I DID start trying but you were suppose to try to, and not turn inot an immovable sour depressedd blob that doesn’t do anything. He says I’m the best girl, better than most people, blah blah blah, if only I were blah blah (shaved legs, thinner, cared more blah blah)

Then something in my brain snapped again. I was no longer fearing divorce. I was no longer sad about it. My brain said, welp, okay, let the motherfucker have the divorce, OMG if that’s what he can come up with, sure. I’ve seen him on his own. He was living the sad single life, but yet called me to come hang out all the time. So let him do his single thing, let him find a girl that is like me but better. Jesus. He’s just wanting the better, the greener grass that may or may not be over that hill. Oh good god, its fine. Not even sad anymore. It’s all butta.

Just all a big pile of bullshit. Sheer bullshit.

Nov 14, 2017 9:37am

I keep wondering if this is hard for him. I saw how other break-ups were for him. So much passion, so much love, so much bile, so much hate, in those other situations. There is no giant hate, there is no giant… anything. I see him building walls between us, being distance, and I wonder why its so easy. It’s hard for me. I vassilate from anger to panic (not so much anymore) to sadness to fear to hope to slight excitement. Trying to control it all. Trying to get a handle on it all. It’s always been a mystery to me. Big parts of him he’s kept hidden from me. I think I know him as well as anyone, maybe better, and still I have wandered through the last 7 years not knowing things I should. Even now I wonder if he saying XXXX just to comfort me, just to make me feel better or whether he actually means it. There’s just no… emotion… no crack in the wall that lets me know if its true or not. I suppose that’s telling in itself. I want to believe the last 7 years weren’t a waste. I want to believe they meant something to him. I want to believe that I’m not an albatross that he’s finally tossing off and he’s gaining his freedom.

Slowly, I’m obsessing less on all this. I guess its a day at a time. I’m so trying to learn the lessons being presented to me, especially the one from Cher Watkins Wheeler, “just ‘be’”…. That is the hardest one, my dear. Oh GOD that is so hard for me.

Nov 14, 2017 9:13pm

got an awesome car tonight. cried. the social worker/guy who I bought the car from listened to my bullshit for a while. that little bit. saved me. LOVE MY NEW CAR. And I’ve written this post about a hundred times. Changing it. Editing it. Trying to decipher what is bitter to what is truth. I debated what would be gained in posting some things – doug wants credit in me getting this car. I’m almost floored in that. Floored in his forgetfulness in what I have worked for, in what I have sacrificed for him, what I have done for him, in what has been taken from me because of him. When he said that in the car, I almost started crying. I was flabbergasted in his ……… I don’t even know what to call it at this point…. I just sat there…. WTF and YOU’VE GOT TO BE KDDING ME. You’ve GOT to be kidding me? REALLY?

I realized that the things he says to me in private – me and him – are something so different than what he shows, even to those close to him.

I FINALLY GET IT. I GET IT WHAT AND HOW IT IT LIKE WITH PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

omfg. Just triggered in me how I am the bad guy to people. GOD. I’m so dumb and smart at the same time. OMFG. I can see now how smart women can be that woman, the women I judged. the ones I judged as HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID.

OMG. I AM. THAT. WOMAN. FUCK.

Nov 15, 2017 7:00am

You know what I like about beer? Gives you that “Fuck YOU” that one needs.

Big horrendous dog fight this morning. Dealing with fucking drunk doug, hangover from three to six beers or more. who knows. He’s moving. I’m broken. I have past the point of being able to handle any of this. And it shows.

AWESOME new car. I sat and cried with the social work/guy I bought i from. We determined A) I’m going to be all right B) He’s a narcissitic personality. My hand hurts from breaking up a dog fight, my head hurts from trying to make a connection with doug that he just shut down just because, my body hurts cause I’m tired. Tired like I’ve never been before. I’m just straddling the fence between living and dying.

I don’t think anybody’s really hurt from the altercation except for me, but I’m use to dog fights. I’m about to puke but that’s normal for me now in the mornings. and I“m heading toward work in a new car that gives me an unlimited amount of joy.

I guess things could be worse.

Nov 15, 2017 9:46am

I love my job. I love my dogs. I love my new-to-me car. I love my life. I love what the future is presenting me. I even love Doug. I just need a break. So in need of a break. I’m so broken at this point, I“m past breakdown going into the paralysis mode. I’m bleeding profusely from breaking up a dog fight, I’m wounded because of Doug and I’m sick from not taking care of myself. I couldn’t stop crying and I just broke this morning. It even scared me how deep in the weeds I was.

****

Apparently it is moral sin level wrong, and unforgiveably insulting that when I got married, I didn’t take his last name.
I’m really tired of everything being my fault.

****

This is no fair. I’m having waves of anxiety, almost crippling anxiety and I’m not even thinking of anything. My mind is kinda blank and numb, and I’m STILL getting these waves. Subsiding a bit now but damn.

Nov 15, 2017 5:46pm

Well. This day is finally over. Anxiety fits and all… Doug moved out. The house is an eerie kind of empty and his side of the closet is empty. I feel sick. The dogs are freaked out. Hurley especially. I’ve got them all close. And it feels good. Hurley has a little owie, I have to look at that. Doug had said he’d clean when he moved, but he didn’t. This weekend I’m going to clean this place. I’m going to miss him so much. I can’t see how I can do this over and over again for weeks, maybe months. Doug had it better. He moved to somewhere new, with new distractions. He has tons of friends up there and its just new with none of the baggage and responsibilities he had down here. Theres garbage noone took to the dump and just a lot of leftover Doug all over the place. Jennifer Keller Vaz says it will get easier. I can’t see that. I have waves of anxiety that turn into panic.

There’s so much to be done. And its cold.

I hate that its winter, it just adds to the horrendous feeling. I am afraid of silence now. I was in a desperate panic to turn on some sort of noise. Doug took the TV so, I had to stream something on the computer. I’m not even paying attention. It’s just a comforting drone in the background. And, as when Ken died, I can’t go to sleep in the dark and the silence. I made it home though. And I like my car. I had to text Doug about something and he’s not answering back. Maybe I pissed him off yesterday?

I have the session with the counselor tomorrow. I don’t know what to expect or even what to do. It will be someone to talk to, someone to help me, someone to care I think.

It’s so cold. I wish he would have closed all the storm windows at least before he left. It’s almost like he turn off all the caring he had for me. I feel nauseated and ill. I hate feeling like this. I wonder if its easy for him. I wonder how he’s coping, or if he even has to.

Jesus. 7 years. So much invested. It was such a big cost to me. I remember the good times, but there were a lot of bad times too. I don’t know how to even begin to process all this. How do I even operate anymore?

I guess I’ll start by turning on the heat and checking the windows.

Nov 16, 2017 3:55am

i’m up… it’s quiet. Slept a. bit, dogs surrounding me, cat on my head now. I think they all feel it. The difference. The change. My anxiety has lessened quite a bit. I wonder if a lot of what I was panicking over was the splitting up/leaving. He’s gone now, and a resignation has taken over – my brain just clicked over to that I guess. Been thinking a lot about all of this (of course). I think now I suspect and believe he left me for another woman. A lot of his behavior and reactions lead me to believe this, now. I am mostly sad and annoyed that even at the end, even when it couldn’t matter at all if he lied, he wasn’t able to tell me the truth. I’m not even sure he will miss me and the dogs. I have mostly resignation – the sense of loss is fading as it feels like, and I’m going to try to explain this as best as possible, that what I lost, I didn’t have. I didn’t have his love or his committment. I’m sure he didn’t tell me so I wouldn’t make a public scene about this. Suffice it to say, this is what I think happened, and for a lot of reasons. Mostly because he was bored and trapped. Unconditional love wasn’t enough, forgiveness wasn’t enough, and in the end I wasn’t NEARLY enough.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the holidays. I pretty much know only what i’m doing through… say Sunday. All my moodiness has stablized and my mind is starting down the road of being able to distract itself. And. at last. I can, not only remember some of the bad times, I FEEL the way I felt during them. I can tangibly feel how those times were. We had good times, and we have probably a lot more bad times than i care to admit. I thought there at the end it was growing and getting better, but it was lie I think. When Doug’s world fell apart, his carefully constructed scaffolding of self esteem and facade crashed down – he was bare and vunerable to the world. And maybe he was always looking for a road out. Maybe I was a convenient spot to hold up until something better came along. The real tragedy is that I let myself really love him, deeply and completely. I can’t regret that. It’s absolutely an astounding feat and amazing ability to be able to do that. I don’t regret the love. I feel bad that the receipient of my gift threw it away like it was nothing.

On to the business of living I guess. I have to sit down and do my budgets and see where I am money-wise. I missed the window of taking him off my insurance. So, unless we officially file for divorce, I have to wait till next November to do it. He needs to file. Or talk to me about it so we can file and bear the cost together. Or he bare the cost since it was his infidelity that did us in. He won’t talk to me or return text. So part of all this is also running away, just ignoring things, maybe hoping it will all take care of itself without him putting in the effort.

I need new clothes. But from experience, I need to wait a while till everything normalizes, or I’ll be getting new sets of cf them every month. Right now, I’ve pulled out some jeans from about 7 years ago, and I can almost wear them. that would be about three or four dress sizes down. It’s been about 16 solid pounds in a month. I still can’t stomach the sight of food, but have been trying to choke something down everyday. I have to get meds for the dog, and I have to do something about this house. He has destroyed this house. It wasn’t dogs, it wasn’t me. He has done a number on a major part of this place that I’m going to try and get back to right. I’m noticing that when I think about it, just about everything he’s touched, he’s literally trashed. He’s left the pieces and the mess for others.

Sigh. I have therapy this morning, of which I’m going to try and go back to sleep here in a minute so I can rise for that. Him moving out, clicked my brain over to another mode. I thought maybe I needed a massive amount of it, and not I think, not so much. He is a lost cause. He didn’t want to change to make himself better, he didn’t want to face his failures, and he seeks out salves and soothing as a child would, consequences be damned. He ran to this other life, this other woman, this other world, and well I hope it works out for him. I haven’t ever seen it work out for him before, so I don’t hold out much hope that his situation will change. Mine, I hope will. I have traction, I have talent, I have love, I have self determination. I just thought I wouldn’t be starting over yet again.

Nov 16, 2017 11:25am

Counseling is going to be a regular thing now. It has helped tremendously. I just wish Doug would get into it too. There’s so much he could gain, it is a safe space to look at yourself. Nobody judges, and there was no hippy platitude shit. It was a caring person, who was there for me and let me be me. Let me be the worse part of me, let me be the best part. It does give you a sense of peace. It does calm your mind. And it wasn’t hard. It was just… “being”.

****

Went to counseling and it was pretty fucking amazing. I poured out everything and I felt better. Lighter. She listened and she advised.

The takeaways:

1) Doug is pushing away – with his issues, he might be leaving me before I leave him. He may see me going places that he can’t or won’t come. I may be growing/evolving and I’m not in the same place that he was comfortable with me in. I was probably the healthiest relationship that he had and I was safe. That’s why he stayed.

2) I apparently see the good in Doug. I am an extraordinary woman, and have extraordinary strength.

3) I’m mourning what was, and what could have been had Doug been able to evolve and grow with me and stay.

Nov 16, 2017 1:28pm

Death and divorce. Some say its the same sort of tragedy. I don’t think so. I think a while ago, Doug said his breakup with Jennifer was worse than what I suffered when Ken died. I think his reasoning was that Jennifer was still around and the pain or something was continuous? I’ve done both now. Death is worse than divorce – its a dark and black place that scares even me. Divorce is a continual and sickening process. It’s a roller coaster of shit, and I have to keep myself from gravitating to Doug and Doug’s existance. I have to redirect my focus on something else, anything else. Death takes your focus. It takes your breath. It takes everything away. You have to search in the dark for yourself again. Divorce isn’t like that. I feel myself somewhere in all this muck. I feel there’s light and hope somewhere in all this yuck. And there’s was never a long time when I felt that it was all hopeless. I’ve had that touch me and spent a short spell sitting on me, but its not like the hopelessness of death. The finaliity, the life sapping energy draining vaccum of being in the grips of death.

So, while this does suck unbelieveably, it doesn’t suck as much as death.

Nov 16, 2017 3:06pm

I’m sorry. Everytime I get that tightening of the chest I get on here. I wasn’t even thinking of anything, I was doing work. Just the chest tightening and the breathing starts becoming shallow.

Actually, thinking of this, I’m doing very different than how Doug dealt with his breakup with Jennifer as far as I can tell. And I don’t think he love her less than I loved him. He delve into depression, drowned in alcohol, and engaged in a tremendous amount of destructive behavior. I don’t even know if he found another person like me, that would have helped him through? What would have happened if he hadn’t have found me? How bad would it have gotten?

I don’t believe I am hurting any less. I don’t believe my pain is easier than his back then. I guess I am dealing with it so much differently. He could have went to his insurance and gotten help – counseling – treatment. He could have done so many things, that I have access to now. I thank god that I have these things. I have friends. I have a support system. I have professional help. I have the willingness to open up and be fixed. I am so sad for him that he didn’t. I don’t know how he feels now, whether our breakup is effecting him in any way. He did say something a while ago saying it would be the worst thing that would happen to him, him losing me. I don’t know. If it is bad for him, I pray that he finds help like I have. The help has saved me. My patient friends have helped save me. It has helped me go from Day 1 to Day 2. And it will help me at Day 30 and Day 60 and Day 90. I will never be “cured” of Doug, because he was that much of a part of me, and I loved him that much. But it will not cripple me. It will not be a wound that will never heal as so many of his are.

Nov 17, 2017 5:40am

Day Three, and I guess I’m almost done with Week 1. Almost slept through the night. I made up the bed with soft clean sheets and three nice blankets. The dogs now havea rountine of dancing around, fiding some spot on the bed. Hurley has meds,, and calmed down a bit. He did have some prolonged crying fit, I’m not even sure about what. I’ve set up one of the computers as my TV. I still can’t sleep witout the light on and noise going, so I set up seasons of TV to run quietly. I’m still waking up. a couple times a night, and the dogs are responsible for at least one big giant freak out, but all in all, its real and deep sleep. There were NO anxiety attacks when I got home. No chest tightening, no shallow breathing. I just have so much to do its overwhelming.

Doug left me with a ton of bills, and a ton of things to do to this house. He just up and left, said I fucked up stuff and you deal with it. Carpets, cleaning, mess. At least he could have found a little bit of man in him to not do that. I looked at everything and wept a bit – the silent tears coming down my face as I surveyed everything I have to do, everything I have to manage, everything I have to pay. I don’t even know where I’m going to get the money. The money he did give me, I had to buy a car (THAT I TOTALLY LOVE) with, I have to pay bills with, I had to pay the rent with, I’m going to have to pay carpet cleaners, and other things with. After all the expenses, after all these extra joys he’s left me holding the bag on, I’ll be left with about 400 dollars. I guess that would make him a deadbeat as well as a cheater. I am now only realizing all the “love” he had for me was a lie. And I was a fool.

Yeah, I’ve gotten some anger in all of this. I was folding towels, and I realized about two of them are from the hotel he fucked that woman from. I actually remember when they appeared on the bed – I had asked about them and he said he and Mark stayed at a hotel. The air left my body as I realized he just had bold faced lied to me, and he did it so easily. Jesus christ, I was just nothing to him. You don’t lie to people you say you love like that. I usually don’t things like this, but I’ve decided to have a little fire tonight after work. I can’t believe. I meant so little. I can’t believe it was so easy to treat me so badly. There are people out there saying, Doug’s really a good guy/Doug didn’t mean it, etc. I am floored how people will defend him, which includes all the bad behavior – the constant degrading I went through, the insults, the insensitivity, sometimes the downright neglect, the fact that I had to face of that I could not count on my husband/boyfriend/partner because there were even odds that he would fail me. You don’t understand that despite this, I had always tried to be positive, I had always tried to be supportive, and loving. I made sure nothing happened to him, made sure he got taken care of – if money was an issue, I sacrificed what I had for him. And yet. I think some people think I should bare blame for this. I think it may even be from what Doug is telling people about me/us. I have screenshots of lies he’s told his mistress, so I know that its all still apart of him. She’s not any different than me in the beginning. She may be smarter than me at the end though, and send him packing sooner than later.

Might have a little fire with the towels. My friend Susan suggested it and I’m on board with it.

I had a strange dream that Doug brought me a sandwich, and was trying to force me to take this sandwich. My mind is telling me I have to eat. I tried – HONESTLY. I had a half a can of soup, and for the first time in maybe a decade, I threw up. And I NEVER vomit.

Eating and self care are not going well. I have tons of well meaning people saying I need to do this, and I KNOW. KNOWING and doing are two different challenges for me.

I have a whole new mountain to deal with, one a little easier than the man I loved leaving me. I’m realizing the man I loved, the man I sacrificed for, the man I invested in, the man I believed in when no one else does, the man I would have given my life for, didn’t love me – it was all a lie. All this proves it. I was thrown away with little regard. I did little to deserve any of this. And there will be people out there still defending that he’s “a good guy”. I’ll have women referring to me as a bitch, etc. People who weren’t here, who didn’t see, who didn’t live through this.

I look at the towels, and they break my fucking heart in two. They stand for my pain, and my foolishness. They stand for the way Doug doesn’t care.

I washed and folded up towels that were there when he fucked that woman. When he was giving some other woman the pieces of him that belong to me. The pieces that I wanted, the ones I had actually asked for.

Kinda sucks.

Nov 17, 2017 7:58am

Random Thoughts:

I wonder if anyone reads the stuff I am writing. Am I writing all this into the void? Is there reaction? Is there response? Are some of you people I don’t know? Are some of you Doug’s people? Are some of you people who hate me? Or think I’m a fool?

Last night, Renee held my face in her hands and kept telling me I’m beautiful. I knew that (heh) but I was taken aback to hear it aloud. Doug use to say I was pretty, but I wasn’t beautiful.

Doug says and does a lot of things I don’t even think he remembers or realizes he does. He’ll say the most… hurtful things as passing thoughts, and then deny them later. I don’t even think he realizes how many times he has ever complimented me. They were a lot less than he thinks. It’s almost second nature, the way all this comes to him so naturally that you forget you did it.

Saving me. Doug says he saved me. In a way that is true. He gave me an opportunity and a platform for which I could save myself. And, I in all honesty, thought I did the same for him. I can’t disregard the things he DID do for me. With no asides and no “buts”, I can honestly say that he did a lot to make me the person I am today.

My anxiety now comes from thinking of the future. That sometimes is overwhelming. My heart is pounding and my eyes are glazing right now, writing about what makes my heart pound and my eyes glaze. I anticipate I’ll have a bad night, but then I don’t. So day by day, I hope I am retraining myself that the future is nothing to be feared.

I love my car. I get in it and I feel free. It feels like a different world. I wish my commute was 30 minutes longer in the mornings, so that I can feel that warm cocoon of safety for just a little longer.

I am angry. I am alone. I have a lot of bitterness I’m trying to shake off. I feel humiliated. I feel unloved. But, I still love Doug. With all my heart. I just now feel agony because I do.

I never knew I had so many people who cared for me. Wow. Just Wow.

Nov 17, 2017 3:44pm

I started talking to the ex-soulmate of Doug, Jennifer. We pretty much only started talking about our shared experiences – I know there’s maybe stuff she lied about or was not honest about, I can’t speak to things like that – I only spoke to the issues of relationship and substance abuse. Our experiences with Doug were very similar – when he was drunk and the very bad behavior and verbal abuse that would happen. Suffice it to say, it all synced up. The stories when he was actually juggling the jennifers – all of that – all of the stuff that I knew about, her story synced with. The whole conversation reminded me of the REALLY bad times – the drunk abusive (not physically abusive) nights. The nights of broken things, the nights of really horrendous behavior and the same rationalizations and half apologies. It became really evident that, there was a lot wrong throughout the years, not even starting with me but from way back. There was of shit that I had softened and blew off. It brought into focus a lot of issues that I had made fuzzy concerning his substance abuse. A lot of times I took care of him, I forgave him, and maybe I enabled him. I think there was a lot of things going on with Doug that nobody has control over, and the most concerning is the substance abuse.

I got a wake up call. A violent jolt, if you will. A LOT of his problems, a lot of our issues, wouldn’t have been, if his drinking and drugging wasn’t as big as a problem as it is. A lot of walls I build between me and Doug had a lot to do with his drinking, so maybe that contributed to the closeness that we couldn’t achieve.

We discussed it at length and it because clear the drinking and drugging is still a giant problem that I can’t help him with and any incompatibilities or marriage issues can’t be addressed in any meaningful manner without addressing the bigger substance abuse issues. He will tell you he’s not as bad as he was. If I think about it, yes, he doesn’t drink a 12 pack every other day. He drinks to excess and lately it has been almost as bad as it use to be.

All this has made me step back. I love him and miss him. It has clicked in my brain that maybe this split is the best thing for me – he’s got giant issues that I can’t address. He can’t see me truly without these issues gone. He has ran away to a place where there isn’t the restraints I tried to put on a lot of what he did. A lot of things I had to do are what put me in a position of being his caretaker – his mother – and probably the resentment on both sides, poisoned a bit of what could have been a great relationship. I’m praying that his time away his also time he is thinking about these issues. He had said he was going to go to rehab when we were working the affair out. But the longer it went, the more resistant he became to all the promises he made to me after the affair – not drinking, and going to counseling. He might have done me a favor by leaving because I had said these were requirements to stay, and he starting having none of it.

I’m glad I had the conversation. It did put into focus a lot more issues than just this past couple of months. I don’t think there is anyone in his life now that tried to regulate all that for him like i tried too. It’s scary to think what is happening up there now. The woman who he had the affair with is up there, and she didn’t seem too concerned with his drinking.

I just wanted to let you know of the changes in me right now. Now I am dealing with something which is so much bigger than me and so above my pay grade. And its made me very cautious now.

Nov 17, 2017 7:35pm

Home. I feel warm. So far, I’m home warm and safe. Talked to friends, made some connections, I have furry love all around me, loaded up the comedy on the computer, and am indulging my tiredness.

Today, I had some meaningful conversations, and I figured a bunch of things out. I figured out why some things were happening, and it turned out, almost none of them had to do with me and all were out of my control – issues WAY above my pay grade.

I see beauty when I look in the mirror now. Haven’t seen that in so long. It’s even being reflected in the eyes of the people around me. AWESOME. I’ve got the tready set up and going to start torturing myself with that. I’m light enough that I can do this without failing.

I’m looking forward to therapy. I have so much to explore. I’m going to do this for a while, because we have to find the things I’ve lost in the last stretch of living. I’ve lost so much, especially in the last month, that I have to have some help in the search. Almost all the hate and resentment has melted away, today, as I had a long talk with Jennifer. We explored some issues and I had to learn that I couldn’t fix everything. Now this stuff is in my head, but it might take a while to be in my heart. I will have good days and bad. But. The great thing is, I’ll have these days, in which one foot will be in front of the other. I think I had to discover some people were broken way before I ever discovered them and they will stay broken unless they decide not to be. As extraordinary as I am, I cannot mend everything. But I’m here for him should he decide he wants the path with me.

I have in mind a new plan, and its not much different than the old plan I had with Doug. This one just adds a little time, and a little more effort to make it work. The house is coming, but since its up to me, its going to take a little more time. I have so much more help now though, I’ve discovered so many more people in my corner.

Alone is gonna suck, at least for a while. But its all right. And my unconditional love I have and will always have for Doug is all right, too. The unknown and scary that is coming for me is no longer that scary. I’m pretty unsure, and wish to hell things were different, but it is what it is, and since I’m gonna get a hold of it, its going to be great.

I’m scared, alone, still generous, still loving, still willing to take chances and am now wiser about things (I hope).

Although, it could all go to hell tomorrow. I’m going to try and not to think about that now. I have this impenetrable blanket with four guard dogs to keep me safe and warm. That’s really all I can ask for right now.

This moment of zen brought to you by temporary-denial-of-responsibility.

Nov 18, 2017 8:02am

Not sure what I’m going to do about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday – there’s the joy and happy of Christmas without all the intense pressure. I have a four day weekend and haven’t thought about plans. Love these dogs and will spend the majority with them, but I think if there’s sunshine and warm, me, the car and the camera might just take a day excursion to parts unknown.

****

Well. The living room looks good. That was a lot of work. It still needs a bit but, its pretty good. I’m not sure where I am, in my head. But, I think I have some time. I don’t think anyone is going to fault me for tackling room number two tomorrow.

****

I’m not trashing Doug. I am truthfully telling about things. It’s good. It’s bad. It’s in between. It’s my truth. It’s my feelings. It’s what I’ve experienced. Doug only sees black and white, and doesn’t see the love I have, but also the hurt he’s caused. He doesn’t understand that he’s done a lot for me (that I state) but he’s also gutted a lot of my life. He also doesn’t seem to understand that maybe people know him and how he is and what he’s done, WITHOUT my words. He thinks he’s an enigma that can’t be known.You don’t want bad shit written about you, you shouldn’t have done the shit.

He does so much to me, and all I can manage is unflattering words on a computer. Yeah. I’m trashing you, Doug. Let’s trade my life for some unflattering text on a screen. That seems fair.

He’s beginning his victimhood, texting me how I have done him wrong. I let him get to me, and that was my mistake. I went and ranted at him on text. I shouldn’t have. It’s like trying to get a brick wall to care. Of all the people that Doug would have any feeling for, I thought maybe I would have earned the privilege of him listening to me, understanding me. It’s the people who know they’ve got you, the ones who know they have your love and they can twist you any way they wish. He’s making me that ranty bitch that I don’t want to be. I failed in self control. He’s still trying to twist me, dangling a friendship in front of me, threatening to take that away. I am floored. How is he going to treat me any better as a friend, as he did as his wife/best friend?

I feel like a fool that I care. That I cared so much, I ranted at him. I let him see my pain, like he cares at all. He cares that he got to me. I let him get to me, and I feel stupid for letting that happen.

And I was making so much forward progress, that I let this derail me.

Nov 19, 2017 7:19am

Jesus Christ. Bad night last night. Doug got on text and said I was trashing him on FB. There is nothing on here that isn’t true, and nothing on here that is malicious. Noone here is connected to us both (one person, and she knows the whole story). I asked about what I was saying, and no one says its a girl trashing another guy. I don’t even go look on his FB or anywhere anymore. I try not even to think about his present state, or what he’s doing, or who’s he doing (my little dig).

Doug did this. He’s the one that had the affair. He’s the one that ran away. He’s the one that hurt me. He’s the one that hasn’t behaved the best for a very long time. There are a ton of stories, that I, his ex, his FAMILY, and probably friends could tell. FAR WORSE that what I have ever posted or said. He doesn’t want to acknowledge any of this. He wants to minimize or pretend things didn’t happen. Nothing will ever change if he doesn’t face up to some of this behavior.

But that’s not why I go into a little of this, and believe me, I thought I was moving past things, posting more things about me and how I’m doing. I need to say these out loud. I need to stop pretending things didn’t happen or they weren’t as bad as they were. I need to say them to other people, because I want to prove to people, this wasn’t my fault that these things happened or that I couldn’t fix them.

And I read over what I had posted. Nothing isn’t the truth. And nothing is posted for revenge or embarassment. Nothing is linked to him, or anybody he knows. He says he’s hurting. I don’t believe that. He says a lot of things. He says “I thought we could be friends, but evidently not”. Well. I knew that before. I had said “Yeah, we’ll be friends” back when I thought I was never going to hear from him again.

Going to try to go on with my day now. Therapy tomorrow. I had been all set to go in with a new outlook and less weight on my shoulders but, that’s not happening. White Kitty is going to Doug’s moms. And all this other Doug stuff I have, I guess I am the keeper of for a while.

Nov 19, 2017 7:50am

The reason I feel so comfortable in talking to Jennifer Idnurm is that she understands more than anybody what I’m going through. She lived it. Although, she has the wherewithall to leave. I didn’t. I hung in there. Through everything.

I did figure something out when we compared experiences and such. Our relationships were almost exactly alike. There were some fundamental differences, but I now believe he didn’t love me in a “different” way. We didn’t have a chance to explore fully a romantic side, it went right into caretaker/crisis mode, but I believe it was the same kind of love as the solid basis. It wasn/t because I didn’t shave my legs on a regular basis or I gained (a total of about 20) weight. People don’t stay for 7 years if they are that shallow.

He found out my button. He found out my buttons way early. The if-I-would-just-be-better button, the your-not-good-enough button. And when things got bad for us, or for him, he’d be a pressing. The thing is, I’m tremendously smart and thought I could never fall for manipulation – I’m going into this thing with my eyes wide open. He can’t fool me, unless I let him. Nope. He’s extremely good at manipulation, more than I ever thought possible. Our relationship, was decent, there was a lot of normalcy to it, and what he calls routine, boring, going through the motions type deal. There was also the bad parts. More than I think, now, should have been. What gave me hope, what made me hang in there for so long is that I thought, he was growing, albeit at a glacial pace. So the changes in his personal growth spurred me on to forgive a lot more because I did see what I thought was progress, with a few backslides here and there.

What I think happened is when things went south for him, he felt bad about himself. The more he felt bad, the more button pushing there was. And the buttons started not working anymore.

When the biggest backslide happened, he slid right into that first man I met in 2010. Then there was the affair. Then there was the running away. Now there is the coldness and whatever.

I sound like a woman who loves her husband. I am. Love isn’t enough though.

He’s a smart man. Smarter than me evidently.

Nov 19, 2017 5:53pm

Today was a harder day than most. Cat delivery, some Doug texting and a back and forth with my stress level. I wish I had the luxury of a heavy drinking problem coping mechanism like he does. I wish I had the luxury of some new and exciting distraction wanting my attention. I wish I had the luxury of weeks off to just indulge my pain. I wish I had the luxury of being the one who decided, the one who had the answers, the one who can just turn it all off. I wish I had the luxury of having no hope.

My brain clickity clacks at the speed of sound. I’m running through everything,. I bounce from excitement, to depression, to angry, to bafflement. I don’t know whether this is the end or a pause. I want to be able to “let it be”. I had that ability about 7 years ago. I had lost all control of everything so the only option I had for a long while was “let it be”. But then. I was responsible for two. I had to make sure everything was all right. I had to make sure we would float and not go under. I had a partner who seem to take “let it be” to an extreme. I had to take some sort of control. This was all right when things were out of control. I guess it all balanced itself out. But I learned this role and lived this role and got stuck in this role. Now I can’t break free of this role even when there is no chaos to tame. I’m creating my own chaos in my head. I can’t stop it. THANK GOD THERAPY IS TOMMORROW. I like that I’ve documented all my changing head spew. Somebody can help me make sense of all this.

The amazing thing, is that I am making all sorts of friends, all sorts of connections now. My life isn’t centered at home anymore. I think I was afraid of taking my concentration off of the homefront just because Doug seemed to be always needing attention, needing something. He was high maintenance. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was just him. Well. Maybe it was a little bad. I even tried to do activities, my own, outside and that seem to breed a bit of contempt. It seemed I was stuck between a rock and hard place. He seemed to want me to go out, or “do something”, but then when I did, it seem to irk him. He was always so complicated to navigate and. don’t ever think I did it well. But. I want to scream into the night, that it wasn’t just me. He said that XXX relationship was great, and that’s how it should be, or YYY is the way it should be. But, in reality, in investigating XXX and YYY, it wasn’t what he said. I was trying to live up to a standard and expectation that was imaginary, or at best temporary. He was like a junkie, he got his high and then expected it everytime. And I was always the second time the junkie gets high, never as good as the first.

Goddamn, though, I tried. I tried to make things perfect and stable. I could never do it right though, and always brought disappointment when I was wrong the second time, because I always should have know better. I should have learned.

And hell if he didn’t get the perfect person to run that hamster wheel. I never gave up trying. I never just quit. I had tenacity and stamina. I think when I actually got things pretty well going, at least by my standards (job, credit, future) things went askew. For both of us I guess.

Nov 19, 2017 6:09pm
I seem to now concentrate on the not so great things about me and Doug. I think that’s because, for a while, I tried to soften and blur those things. Now its coming out like Niagra Falls.

But there were great things about our relationship. We were comfortable with each other. He made me laugh, and feel joy. I liked that he was extremely smart and teased him that he pretended not to be to get away with things. He was charming and smooth. I felt good having someone there. Just there. Knowing there was someone, who was in my corner. He knew a lot of things I didn’t. He gave me strength. He gave me the capacity to see things from a different perspective and have to consider things in foreign ways. That was one of the things I most loved about him. He was extremely smart. I think when I first met him, I wasn’t too jazzed about his looks or anything. It was when I got to know him, I found him so intelligent, so skillful in the fluidity of his thought processes. I liked challenging him, although I think he didn’t. He was talented and passionate about things. And I think he’d hate this, but I didn’t find him attractive until, I knew him and the stuff inside.

I found him pleasant company, company that was comfortable and unthreatening. He always put on this hard, rock and roll, macho front, so it was amazing and wonderful to find the nuggets of softness and vunerabiltiy. It made me so protective of him, that I knew these existed. He has this piece of him that is scared and insecure, the boy who wants love and has love to give. This, if you saw it, if you connected to it, made you his warrior. I wanted to protect him from everything. I wanted to make things easier for him. I wanted to make things wonderful for him.

I found his capacity to accept me was almost unlimited. That made me want to be a better person for him. It made me want to never upset or hurt him. I see the gold in him, amongst the shale. I accept the bad and the good. I would have never gave up on him, and I would have never abandoned him.

This is probably why I’m having such a hard time. Because I saw the totality of the man, accepted it and grew to love it. I hated the things I hated about him, and loved the things I loved. I had the power to hurt him, and I hope I had the power to heal a bit of him.

Because, dear lord, he has had that power over me.

****

Was remembering all the good times with Doug, then all of a sudden, a bunch of the bad times popped in my head. In vivid detail. Startled myself at the number and frequency some fucked up shit that has happened. Kinda caused a shiver down my spine and my blood run cold. How it turned everything 180 so fast…. that post before? where I was all back and forth and full of hope and depression? Right now, all that ambiguity is gone. Clarity took me aback a bit. Blood ran cold. The anxiety? Right now, all gone. Sobering feeling.

****

Okay. Been laying here thinking about this. Remember? I was thinking about all the good times with Doug and then my brain said, “Well, Remember THIS SHIT?” and threw up a couple of almost as horrendous things he’s done as the affair (remember Savannah, especially)? In vivid, color detail, complete with how I felt, conversations, etc. So. When that happened, all the anxiety went away and my blood ran real cold. I’ve been trying, ACTIVELY TRYING to get the anxiety back – the longing for Doug, the pining and all that shit. I can’t. OMFG. It’s like my brain said, oh please girl, remember this shit? and then gave me a near damn cure for what’s been ailing me. And believe me, I’ve been trying to bring back that anxiety – good memories, good times, etc. Nothing’s bringing it back. It’s almost like, “Yeah, I’m good to go…” HOLY FUCK. REALLY? Am I good to go now? I may be good to go now.

Nov 20, 2017 6:16am

Up for a while. Sitting and thinking. The anxiety I can trace down to specific things is gone. The random, grab your ass, type is still going on, but its at 1/8th the intensity as it was, and I can vanquish that a bit. I think about Savannah. Savannah makes it less somewhat.

Savannah was shitty thing Doug did to me, near the seriousness of the affair. That now just pops into my head. It has turned my whole head and attitude around about things. It has made my blood run cold when I think of my husband now. I’m wondering if this will last, because if this will keep on going, I’m going to be all right a whole lot soonner than I thought. I had softened, rationalized, and forgave Savannah. But apparently my brain had kept all that intact, somewhere. And then just shoved it in my face, and I couldn’t counter it with any good memories. There were no good memories powerful enough to battle that.

Now. I have a little renewed energy. Yesterday, I was feeling really tired. Not so much now. I made unreciprocated amends to Doug, because, whatever type of person I am, I am an honest one that wishes noone ill will, and I don’t hate anyone anymore. I may hate some of their actions, but I no longer think ill of anyone. I bare no malice. Life is too short to actively nurse something like that.

Some of the bags that have been weighing me down are thrown off. I think I can tackle some new things. I even talked to Doug’s mom yesterday. She, I think, has always been fond of me, and still is. Invited me to come over or talk anytime. It was nice hearing that. What can I tell you? I inspire a lot of good will in people.

I’m about to jump in the shower and go to therapy. Maybe to explore my unshackling. To see if its real. Probably give it a week to see if this all still is alright before I call it a real improvement. It’s made me stronger, though, I can tell you that.

Nov 20, 2017 12:08pm

Lots has happened. But I’m beginning to realize that what Doug did, set me free. I thought I had trapped him, but what was happening was I was the prisoner. Give him credit though, he knew he was severely broken, and he knew I wouldn’t abandon him. So he set me free.

I learned to day, that it wasn’t the lack of a love affair, it wasn’t the mundane, it wasn’t anything I did that broke up us. It was Doug. He is a broken individual. From what I learned from Jennifer, what I learned from the therapist, its how he set up his world. The drinking, the bad behavior, the seeking validation, etc., is all to manipulate his world into something he can live in. He has no other coping mechanisms to handle it all with. When it goes well, then everything is smooth, but the minute it goes bad, he turns to what he knows to do. He set us up as mother/caretaker figures, and then he resents when we are. There was no way we were ever going to do right in his eyes. And he probably gave me the most he could, gave me the best he could. And when it all didn’t work anymore, when his facade didn’t work anymore, he ran. I may have pulled him out of his comfort zone, and let him feel normal/healthy and that’s when he tried to pull me back. When that didn’t work, he ran. And he may not be able to realize there is another way to deal with things, another way to live. He will continue this pattern, to the next person, and onto the next. There will never be the right person. So I don’t resent or even have malice toward Brenda. I feel sad for what’s about to happen.

It’s not me. It was never me. I could never have made it better. I could have never fixed it. I could never have made everything right enough. I feel a loss and mourning because he could not/would not try to change. I feel loss for the guy he could have been. I feel big loss that he will never find a real happiness. I feel bad that the drinking will continue and he will become possibly worse and worse, and more lost.

Nov 20, 2017 6:34pm

Home . Very much home. Tired. I am tired a lot of the time now. I knew I was going to have bad days and good days, but bad hours and good hours. So the drama de juer in my fucking head (yes, I’m having beer for dinner) is am I posting shit that will embarass or hurt Doug. I actually freaked out a bit about this.

FUCK. This morning I had a good session with the counselor. We determined that Doug gave me as much as he could, the best that he had, and it wasn’t enough – our situation wasn’t enough to make him happy. I wasn’t enough to make him happy. But to be fair, I don’t think anything would make him happy for very long. The last soulmatey relationship he had, I don’t think he was very happy in. He told me (after it was done) that it was the best in the world and he was the happiest ever, but I don’t know if Jennifer was all that happy. If they were truly happy, they’d still be together.

I am worried about Doug’s embarassment. Lord. Or hurting him. Lord, part deux.

I thought about it before the beer, and was worried about people judging me on how I’m handling this. I can’t even predict now what will send me into a panicked anxiety attack, and sometimes they are bad and sometimes they aren’t. The counseling always makes me feel so much better, but that lasted about three or four hours until the voices in my head took over. This relationship is over. It was determined that the only way it would have a chance is if Doug got into therapy and he quit drinking. That’s not happening. So I have to tell myself that this is the way it needs to be. There would be more of Doug hurting me, probably more affairs, more drunken lashing out at me, more misery. This is the best. And this thought is actually conforting and something that makes me feel better. Writing makes me feel better too. Writing TO people. I’m not sure what my reasoning is for that. I just hope that someone gets some good out of it – or maybe some entertainment.

I have a lot of guilt for failing at handling this maturely and well. I flail between guilt for hurting/embarassing him to the thought “What about my hurt – what about my humiliation?”

What popped into my head on the way home was this fucked up line Doug gave me “I thought we could be friends but evidently not…” How fucking clueless is that? That just proves he has no regard, feelings or love for me. You fucking cheated on me, humiliated me and then left me. And you thought, well, that makes no matter, it will be business as usual. When all this affair business happened, I really tried to get him to connect SOMEHOW how he felt when Jennifer left him, and how she cheated (this I can’t speak to, whether she did or not) and how would HE feel.

Nothing.

The therapist said that there is no emotional intelligence there, there is no insight at all, there is no introspection, no looking inward. I tried hard to get him to actually SEE the pain he caused and maybe understand it.

Nothing.

Some of the stories coming out on his behavior (whether true or maybe not so much) are heartbreaking. His drinking really is doing a detriment to his life. And he’s with people in an atmosphere that will just reinforce his own view and comfortable world. It will make his drinking and behavior acceptable. Something that isn’t a big deal. Even his family seems to have a “Well, that’s Doug – he’s been like that XX amount of years – he’ll do what he wants.” I can really understand that. Sometimes you can’t save someone that is determined not to be saved.

I think Doug will say that I just have sour grapes. That I am mad or vindictive because he didn’t love me in a real way and I am angry at that. Doug would be wrong.

I understood that he didn’t love me like whatever he thought real love was. I understood that all too well. I don’t understand why, if this was the case, he stayed. I really wanted this answer badly at the beginning. Now. It doesn’t matter.

I’ll have good days, I’ll have very bad days. I’ll doubt my self worth and my value tremendously while an hour later, I’ll be excited about my future, feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and know that I have the whole world in my hands. This is a very schizophrenic way to live right now. It takes its toll. I will be such a pain in the ass. I will want someone to tell me the same thing over and over again, I’ll want to talk about the same thing over and over again. I will need to hear the same thing over and over again. I will need to know that Doug is in pain and doing badly and I will worry if he’s eating and drinking to excess.

I fucking don’t know what to do with all this.

Anyway. I’m having another beer.

Nov 20, 2017 6:34pm

You know what sucks? He took both TVs. You know what’s got me baffled? He took the mop bucket and all the trash bags.

****

Benefit #4 of being Doug-less. I can have 24 beers in the refrigerator Friday and still have 21 of them left on Monday.

****

god. up for a moment. medicating doggie ears, laying back down. Shitty thing? Had a dream about Doug. He was a pleasant, happy man who loved me. SHEESH. Might as well dream about unicorns that poop Beeferoni.

Nov 21, 2017 8:00am

I have to remind myself to breathe each morning. I dry heave a bit now each sunrise, so now that’s my routine. It gets better each day, it gets worse. I bounce back from strong to weak. I bounce back from numb to wounded.

He doesn’t feel this way. You know how I know? I wasn’t Jennifer. That’s the breaks though. Hard to realize what you thought was, at the very least, some sort of love and affection, wasn’t. But I was the best person I could be, so I at least have some solace in that.

Trying not to be angry because the things I could be angry at are done and gone, and other things I could be angry at don’t matter anymore. As I said, I have good days/hours and I have bad days/hours.

For some reason, I’ve started mentally compiling a list of all the little things that angered me, of which I glossed over. Little burdens and slights, for whatever reason, I had decided to bare on my back. I think of one, I start to get angry and then I try to delete that anger. A lot of what is getting to me is that I want to go screaming and lay bare what I went through, list and enumerate the things that I carried, mostly without complaint, I want someone to know my reality. I am seeking forgiveness, I guess, for sins that I am being blamed for and not committed. And he blames me for a lot of things. He has a gift of saying one thing, and in the same heartbeat contradict it.

I still carry blame. How does one do such a number on another person? I carry undeserved blame, it is ingrained in me by him.

This was nothing to him. I’m starting to understand that now. The minute it caused him undue pain or discomfort, he shed it, like a used, dead skin. And yet, he left me the gift of guilt. Of blame.

FUCK ME.

Lost another TWO pounds. Not even trying. I’m just not hungry. I have many who care – invitations to this and that – get out of the house, do something extreme, etc. etc. I’m almost to the point where I’m strong enough to want to do any of that. It’s the wanting to do things now that he has killed. He’s just stomped on a ton of stuff in me as he was running out the door.

I really wish I was angry. I think that would be a nice change from guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty for. Even now, I’m suppose to quietly let this all pass, so that it is easy for him, as he shrugs off our life and builds another facade, another scheme, another house of cards.

I think I’ve given him too much credit, in that I assumed he had some real investiment and deep feelings for all this. Yeah. I think I gave him too much credit. And, well. That was my error, and that I can’t blame on anyone but myself.

Some days I feel young and free, and some days I feel the loss through every part of my body. I have people pushing me to be positive and what not, and that’s all well and good, but that’s not how I deal with things. I feel. I feel the bad and the good, and I don’t really see anything wrong with that. It’s a testiment that I could love that deeply, that I feel this much pain. It’s a testiment to my committment, my loyalty, my love that I tried so hard, that I carried so much.

But enough of the squishy. I’ve had all sorts of old, old, OLD friends that haven’t talked to me in 7 or 8 years drop me a note. Old friends from the Charlotte days. That’s a jolt. Takes me back 7 years – when I was very much a leaf on the wind. Tons of invites and offers to do this or that or just let me be. I do have plans though. In April, I am going to see Kathleen Madigan (here) and I am CONSIDERING going to go see the Mummies in Charlotte in December, but that might be too overwhelming for me. I might go see Kelly but she’s a good three hours away. We’ll see. Asheville is another possibility. I get close to making plans to go there just to be a photographer and I chicken out. Overwhelmed. By, I don’t know what. That’s another thing Doug stole from me. My bravery. My bravado. My recklessness.

I did treat myself to some cold weather running clothes, so the weigh loss can be channeled into something resulting in more healthy activity.

I’m allowing me this little schadenfreude, in that, I know what he’s doing up there – drinking, screwing and sleeping, and although, I’m sure its a satisfying existence for now, it never will lead to anything good. I would never wish anything ill on him, I would never do anything untoward or hurt him in anyway. He knows he can always trust me, and I would never betray him. And that, is not for him, that is for me. Because I am THAT person. I am THAT good of a person.

But I did inherit my mom’s temper, mouth and skill at verbal cutting. That, in itself, is a weapon of awesome destruction, that I do use, and lately I’ve used it a lot.

Nov 21, 2017 10:59am

Have to do this now.

I’m filling out actual divorce paperwork. It hit me really hard for about 15 minutes and now its all subsiding a bit. Doug fell off the face of the earth, and who knows what’s going on. I love my husband but there’s no way our present relationship can work. I want a little control of my situation, so I’m going to try and handle a lot of this – just going to need info and a lot of other things. Don’t know if I’ll ever see or talk to Doug. He was such a big part of my life. He made an impact. SUCH A BIG IMPACT. At a time when I was vunerable to now, when I am stronger and a better woman. A lot of that is attributable to Doug. What he did to me (good and bad) made me who I am today. I hope he finds what he’s looking for. I hope I did something good for him, and added to him in the last 7 years.

I’m going to go on and try to heal, and I know life will go on. It always does. I know I keep posting shit like this, but its just me telling myself over and over again until I believe it. It’s me telling myself positive messages from the person I want to be, until I become her. I feel like I’ve gone off the rails this last month, but really, can you blame me? I feel like I’ve made a mess of things, but to be fair, I had a little help. I’m trying to recognize when I’m going off the rails here, and correct my course. I’m trying to get maturity back in my decision making instead of wounded child.

I feel better now that I’ve taken a little control of my own destiny. I feel good about the person I’ve shown myself to be (overall). I’ve tried to stay positive (failing a lot), move it forward (failing a lot), and trying to get over this quick (failing a bit). So, you know, for now. Everybody. Thanks.

PS. Fuck. I really am going to miss him.

****

Okay. That was MUCH better. Talk to Doug, and now I feel MUCH better about the divorce. There’s no way he’s ever going to see past himself. There is no way he is ever going to empathize with others, even if he “loves” them. There’s no way he is going to grow, even a little as a human being.

JESUS H. CHRIST. I conveniently forget how nasty he can be. HOW FUCKING DARE HE TALK TO ME THAT WAY? How self centered he can be. We are all out to hurt Doug. He forgets all this was his doing. It was his handywork.

You cheated on ME Doug. You walked out on ME Doug. Even with all that I forgave you, and I worried about you. I would have given you the divorce, I fucking offered for you to stay until you got situated and then we would split. I didn’t want you homeless or suffering. You were the one who tossed all my kindness and caring towards you back in my face. And yes, I don’t believe “you’re on your own.” You want to play victim? You go ahead. You have tons of people who would stand by you and help you get where you want to me, including me you, fuckhead. You want to run away? Go ahead. You want to take umbrage to what I write, you do that to. You point out ONE FUCKING thing that is untrue that I have written. You want to even challenge ANYTHING I’ve written, or even my RIGHT to pen it? You conveniently read all the bad things and skip over the good. You don’t care that you DID all these things or ARE these things, (just for the record the GOOD and the BAD, like any other fucking human being) you just care if people KNOW about it. OMFG. You being butthurt over anything is pretty much a fucking joke.

Fucking grow up. You hurt the ones that love you, and drive them away screaming into the night. You want to dispute that? I got the goods to back that up too.

Nov 21, 2017 9:06pm

Just to be fucking clear, Doug didn’t HAVE to move without a job/place. We weren’t fighting or anything. I would have still given him a divorce. He could have stayed here for as long as he needed to get his shit together. He chose to split without any money, job prospects etc. so any Wah-Wah on his part falls on deaf ears here. He wanted to move for his freedom to drink, screw and sleep without judgement. “I only have $$$ left and I have no job” Yeah. Whatever. Although, I can see where he would want to be where there’s a sympathetic hand to sooth his furrowed brow. He done used up the sympathy lotion all up here.

****

I wonder if Doug realizes, that it is HIM and not us. It’s HIM that is the variable which needs to be fixed and not us, the ones who tried?

Funniest goddamn thing I heard in a couple of years (from a family member, no less): “I just don’t think he has been a good boyfriend or husband”

no shit. couldn’t make it work with his “soulmate”. couldn’t make it work with his best friend. I think the only reason I lasted so long is any other woman would have forgave far less and left a long time ago.

I’ve made a bunch of memories blurry and soft, the times I really, truly considered leaving when I was driving to work. I’m trying to think of all the times I sat there, not real happy, while things happened that were not good and out of my control.

Nov 22, 2017 10:56am

Kinda broke down at work. Crying not quite, but I am leaking tears out of my face.

Water is pretty important. Last night I didn’t have any. My water comes from a pump/well just off my property outside the fence, and I pay the neighbors for the water. As I said, last night, I didn’t have any and it turned out the pump was the culprit, spewing out water. They had shut it down, and today was going to see what’s what.

Turns out, someone maliciously vandelized the pump, and damaged beyond the point of repair. So there will be no chance of water for a while. My landlady is going to try and have a well dug and the soonest would be, I guess next week sometime.

I’m starting to believe that I am a bad luck magnet. Some sort of nexus for all of it. I had such a good attitude about 5 minutes ago. Anxiety was at bay and I was feeling good just about the future and even the holidays.

I am now, not in that place anymore. I’m just wondering how much more I can try to carry. How many times can I say, its just another thing I have to do before it starts tearing at me a little?

Nov 22, 2017 2:09pm

Been such a fucked up few months…

Nov 24, 2017 9:08am

Oh my lord. I’m so tired. And BTW, Happy Thanksgiving. Mine sucked. Thanksgiving use to be my favorite holiday, and probably will again someday, but right now, it kinda blows.

Yesterday started out pretty all right. There was a tiny bit of sunshine peeking out and I decided to clean a bit, even though I have no water. I had to buy another 10 gallons of water – you’ll never know how much water you uses even when you try not to. I notice I drink a LOT of water. I had to go to the store anyway, because Doug, for some insane reason, not only took ALL the tools, but all the mop buckets and all the trash bags. He left a good deal of other stuff – clothing, electronics, flotsam and jetsum. All that stuff I’m collecting, along with the hotel affair towels, into a burn pile. I think maybe Saturday or Sunday, we are going to have a bit of a bonfire in the firepit. I traded the 5 aquariums on the porch for a 12 pack of beer, and I thought about doing the same with the rest of the stuff, but I don’t need any more beer. I may barter for trash hauling services.

I went to the dollar store and families and couples were together shopping for holiday stuff, and thought about getting a small tree. I have the big tree in the closet but its giant and it was “our” tree. Maybe I’ll just use the top part so its only half the size. Incidentally, why does all the major fucked up stuff happen around the holidays? I hate holidays anyway, but now, all these days are just anniversaries of horrendous events in my life.

I got all the stuff home, and started drinking the aquarium beer. The first 4 was a good idea but the last three were the ones that pushed me over the edge. Alone and upset, last night was probably one of the more crappy nights I’ve had since I found out about the affair. The pain was front and center by the end of the evening.

I was invited to a couple different thanksgivings and I am grateful to everyone for the love and opening of their homes to me. I decided to stay at home, MY HOME, with what’s left of my little family. I wanted to make this home comfortable, clean and MINE – turn it into a place of safety and security. My plans were thwarted a bit when some horrible people vandalized the water pump and cut off my water supply.

But I have about 20 gallons of jug water, which BTW, Dollar Store, WTF dudes? A DOLLAR A GALLON? Milk is only 2 bucks and some change… Sigh. FACEPALM.

Anywho. I decided I was going to do a bit of a purge and clean of the kitchen. There’s a ton of food I don’t eat, a ton of empty containers in the fridge that Doug just LEFT, he had left some science experiment growing in the coffee on the coffee maker, and there is just all this crap that I’ve never bought before in my life before Doug and never will again. I went through the cabinets, and food just went flying. Drunk me just tossed a bunch of boxes, and food on the floor. Dogs came a runnin’ to devour old bages, cheese, pounds of homemade fish food made out of beefheart and crap, old corndogs, pretzels and what not. There was a pepsi bottle full of whatever is left over from pepsi once the liquid evaporates. I tossed the affair ginger ale, and cottage cheese. Fish sauce and horseradish. I don’t eat any of this when I’m single. I eat pasta, canned soups, and fruit when I’m single. I almost didn’t ever need a refrigerator. I tossed a bunch of kitchen crap that I didn’t need – some weird little chopper, waffle maker, pots and pans from his old relationship, etc. etc. Haven’t decided if the blender goes and there are old miss matched dishes, that I don’t know if I should toss. I nice small set of dishes and new pots (single person set) might be in order. I don’t know. I never did a lot of cooking either. Cleaned out the cabinets and fridge. About 40% of what was in there is still there. There was just a lot of things I can live without. I really did cater to Doug and get him all this stuff to make his life normal. I cleaned counters and cabinets and shoveled all this shit into the garbage. I can’t believe how everything needed a thorough cleaning. He must have just surface cleaned and I didn’t notice because I worked all the time. But the good news is, you only have to deep clean once in a great while, because it won’t get this dirty anymore. But I got about 80% of this clean, because the beer kicked in and sent me into a big crying jag and subsequent alcohol nappy until about hours ago.

My knee hurts because I think the dog slept on my leg, and the two big ones are just sitting there “talking” to me. Emotionally I’m pretty numb, and I am sitting here feeling icky and making plans for the day. I hope everybody had a good holiday, even Doug. I would hate to think all this shit happened for his benefit, and he didn’t even get the results he wanted. I’m going to finish the kitchen, and maybe start on the bathrooms. I can’t wash clothes which I can’t determine if that will be problem. I have enough clean clothes for next week I think – by then I think I’ll have a water source/well of my very own. Apparently it cost 25 dollars a month in electricity and stuff for well water because that’s what I paid for water from the neighbors.

Also, remember how Doug and I speculated the dead dog neighbors – who own poor Big Head dog, and killed (probably) little Andy pup – were doing something illegal, possibly cooking meth or selling drugs? I think we were spot on that shit.

Right now, my tummy is yucky so I’m going to sit here till I feel a little bit better. And then to plod on with my day.

Nov 25, 2017 8:46am

This no water thing, NOW, its getting more than inconvenient/uncomfortable. Trying not to get angry or anything because there’s nothing anyone could do. They couldn’t fix the pump because the county said the vandals might be back and vandalize it again. And the soonest a pump/well can be put in is Tuesday or Wednesday.

And its Saturday. I’ve got about two gallons of water left, and I be really funkified so, going to get more is something I don’t want to do – plus its getting pricey.

It’s Saturday. And things are getting better in my head. Distance and time makes things look different. It has put a lot of things back into focus that I chose not to see clearly. I’ll have the alcoholic backslides, but I think the one I had Thursday may be the last one I have for a while. I don’t have sadness or anxiety creeping in anymore. Even when I think of the good times or what I am supposedly losing.

Soon, I’ll do the obligatory clinical dissecting of the whole thing, but that will be on the blog instead of here (though I’ll link to it, because it will be interesting reading). I’m already doing a lot of it in my head.

I am SO wanting to do a good cleaning – not just to clean, but as some sort of therapy. It’s something constructive, something productive. Doggies, I think are starting to deal with it. There is a whole lot less weird, random, prolonged crying. I am now the pillow everybody needs to sleep on. Everyone picks a section of body and plops on it. It’s not bad until they hear things outside they need to protect me from. Of late, almost everything outside is some sort of threat.

Except for last night. There was something going on in the dark, and something big. I called 911 and put left-behind golf clubs by the bedroom door and in the kitchen.

Too cold to run. Well. Too cold to do anything. No water. Just occured to me, why wouldn’t I have water in the hot water tank? I need to tell whatever plumber/landlady that the tank might be leaking? I would have thought I’d have water in that tank. Sigh.

If it gets warmer, I’m putting up some sort of Christmas tree. And lights. I love lights. A nice old Gaston SC holiday.

But, if I had my druthers, me and the mutts would love to be St. Kitts for December.

Nov 25, 2017 1:11pm

ugh. trying again to do all the things I don’t want to do right now. acct transfers, insurance, etc. I can’t do anything that involves money, but I’m just going to try the rest. **Cable is a no go, but maybe I can do electricity…***

I’m just feeling all oogie now.

****

So. My electricity was going to be shut off Tuesday. WTF. He said I could just call and transfer over the service. If I were to transfer over cable, I need a notorized form. FUCK. MY ELECTRICITY WAS GOING TO BE SHUT OFF TUESDAY. AND THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE ME PUT DOWN ANOTHER DEPOSIT. I’m going to be sick.

God almighty. Just … shit.

I didn’t deserve any of this. I did NOT deserve any of this. I don’t deserve going through any of this. I have 2 fucking beers left. I sorta smell from no shower/water. It’s cold. It’s the holidays. GODDAMMIT. I’m not upset. I’m not upset. Really.

not upset.

not upset.

not upset.

not upset.

Nov 26, 2017 6:22am

Fuck Me.

Yeah, hopefully this is the last one of these penned.

I just don’t understand this bastard. HE wanted the divorce. HE wanted to get away from me so bad, he left burn marks. He wanted his freedom to find something better, something more exciting, something that didn’t make him/us miserable. He wanted the excitement of a new haggard looking whore in Rock Hill who cheats on her husband with him. Whatever.

When we started this process, I was open to making it easy. I wasn’t malicious or vindictive. Or I tried not to be. We were best friends. But I was devestated and hurt. And I seemed to be the only one.

Well. We split some money, and tried to part ways. At first, it was relaxed and I knew he had no job and no place to live unless you consider the whore. Everything was peaceful. I wanted to help him make the transition. I didn’t want him to suffer or be homeless. I said he could stay for as long has he needed. There was no fighting, there was no animosity. Just two friends living together, till one, I guess got his shit together and left. We could have used that time to switch over accounts and pack all the stuff he needed. Doug, though, wants to do things behind people’s back, do it secretively. He had been making moving arrangements, and didn’t have the bravery to tell me or just give me a heads up, “Hey, girl that has been with me through some of the darkest periods of my life, I’m going to be moving tomorrow.”

Well. Hey. I found out, from looking for a car online. I found the ads for movers and the ads to sell cars. I found out he was selling the car I was currently driving to work. Yeah, that’s the first “FU” I got. The last night together He got drunk and nasty, I got drunk and nasty. He left. He packed and moved haphazardly, leaving tons of shit he could have taken, leaving a giant fucking mess, both physically and emotionally. He could have made it easier for me, as I was trying for him, but he chose not to.

For the last month, my life has been falling apart. I’ve been trying to hold it together with gum and paperclips, while he is up in a new, exciting place with this new life, new woman – golfing, drinking, fucking and playing bass. I’m left with the emotional baggage he left – seven years of a life that I thought had chugged along, things being equal, it could have been worse. I started writing. I wrote the truth. I wrote about the good times, and bad times and the really bad times. I wrote until my soul felt better. I wrote novels on FB and discovered that maybe the last seven years weren’t as great as I thought. And he was pissed. Being, what I consider, a Narcissist Personality, it was a mortal sin to make him look anything other than pristeen, other than cool, other than Rock n’ Roll. I vacillated back and forth from trying not to hurt him to hurting so bad it felt like there was a hole in my chest.

So I do the steps you do to break apart a life. Every step he took seemed to make everything harder. He seemed to just say ‘FUCK YOU’ and hide away into his new life. There was no reason to not tell me his phone number or his address, and I had to know the shit for the divorce papers. Even now, after seven years of proving myself a loving, honest person, he slaps me in the face. He makes me feel like I’m some horrible person that he must hide from.

I finally did the online divorce he so desperately wanted. I didn’t have his information. I needed things from him. Addresses, phones, etc. I didn’t even care about him being with her anymore. I just wanted this shit over. I wanted my delusions of this being anything other than seven years of this man using me, giving me scraps of the real relationship I deserved, using my feelings and my nature against me – I wanted all this done.

I found his numbers and his addresses, but I didn’t really know which ones I should use. I tried to get him to tell me. So I can end this, I just need to know to put on the goddamned paper. But he doesn’t. I have no earthly idea why. He could be rid of me. He instead is perplexed that he’s not the impentrable enigma that he thought he was. Where did I get his number? Where did I get this? Whatever. He’s mad that I revealed where most of his skeletons are buried. He’s mad I revealed some of the bad behavior he engages in. He’s just mad in general he can’t move on silently, easily, after destroying my life, to a great new existance. I made that rather difficult and embarassing. He doesn’t even realize, almost all of this, is his doing, the culmination of his decisions.

I have to have the locks changed now. I paid double what I thought the divorce cost, and I’m praying it doesn’t cost anymore than that. I’m hoping, that again, I can just forget about this man. A man who, at one point, I thought was worth so much pain, so much silent suffering. No. He’s not.

I still have to go, take off work and file. I have to do all this shit. I have to pay the price of his behavior and his decisions. He’s left so many like me in pain, in ruins. We all hear the words out of people mouths “He really a good guy…” and choke on incredulity. I may have not been the perfect partner, but I was really close.

Got these fucking papers. Maybe now, I can have freedom. Maybe now, I can have a sense of peace. I wish I could rebuild the self esteem he has crushed over almost a decade. Time heals all. Well. Fuck.

Nov 26, 2017 3:35pm

I think its a turning point. I think its really is something valuable that happened to me last night. I saw how the man I thought loved me really didn’t. And there was nothing. I felt nothing. There was no pain. And there continued to be no pain, when I realized, he never really did love me. It finally snuffed out any significant obstacle to me moving forward.

I related my experiences to my friends, and they were astounded that Doug was trying to keep me from completing the divorce. And he actually “liked” a post of mine that was me having trouble completing this divorce. Bonnie, sent me information that I received a ton of insight from on Doug and, indeed, his horrible friend Mark. I now understand why they are such good friends.

I went and talked to Jennifer, Doug’s old relationship, and we went over in detail, the depth and breadth of our shared history, and discovered, not only did he lie about many incidences in our past, but he pitted us (and another Jennifer) against each other. And when I thought all this time was growing as a person, it was just all a facade. It all was just a giant manipulation. And I guess when it all looked like it was coming to an end, that I started to be immuned to it, he spiraled it out of control and then ended it.

As I say that, it doesn’t hurt. At all. Thnking of the past doesn’t hurt. Thinking of all this doesn’t hurt. I’m getting better. It also didn’t hurt that I found a big bunch of money in the closet which alleviates the injustice of me paying for a divorce I didn’t cause. But now I don’t feel bad about having to pay for it. This is actually something that should happen. I’m not sure exactly what woman can get Doug to not be a poor relationship participant. I would suspect she’d have to be a skilled therapist.

But, I am at a turning point. I am out of the hole. The most important things coming up are the well, the divorce, and getting through deadlines at work. I’m even toying with writing a novella on this past 10 years. It’s amazing what appears on your horizon, when your not dragging so much useless weight behind you. It’s not a slam against Doug, its merely a description of what all that felt like now that I see through new eyes.

I feel new. And I think this is a new normal for me. So let’s get this divorce done, let’s get on with it. Life is too short to have it ruined by someone who doesn’t love it as much as I. And I’m a hell of a woman. I think I got my groove back.

Nov 27, 2017 8:02am

Another day, another dollar.

Water is coming soon. I like that. I’ll feel more like a human being. And what is nice is that I have a new set of voices in my ears and new people to talk to. They all are helping me to sort things out. I think I’m in the sorting things out stage. Like to thank David for just talking and listening. He’s went through or is going through a lot of what am. His wife died, so he was a young (very young) widower and he, I’m noticing, steers the conversation away from “you’re gonna be all right” and goes into dissecting things and then he has a knack for helping me let it go. I tend to be unguarded because he’s gone through a lot of what I did, and all of the emotions and feelings and actions mirror mine.

The only rough times I have is in the morning when I wake up alone, and for about 5 minutes I have a pang of uncertainty when I feel in my bones that something is wrong. Something FEELS wrong. But then I make myself get up and go on.

When I get into the car, that’s when I get the wave of… I guess you could describe it as good. I turn on the music and I have a good hour of time to ramp up. My taste in music has changed a bit. I’m starting to gravitate to all that stuff I use to listen to while running the track in Forest Shitty. And then images of the sky, sunshine and the track flash into my head. I am listening to all the songs that made me feel pretty. Way back when, there were certain songs that just put a skip in my stride, and I felt extra young. So that is happening. Scary feeling but not a bad one. Self preservation is a weird instinct. Mine seems to have been shifted into an overdrive position. I need to slow that down – so I can deal with everything properly.

Also. I’m dressing different and I find myself getting things I use to have. Tight fitting hippie tomboy style? My pants are just about falling off, but I refuse to get new ones until my weight stabilizes. I’m down two and half dress sizes, I have people commenting on it and I can’t figure out what fashion direction I want to take the new me in. I quite liked hippie tomboy. Well, I guess now it would be curvy hippie tomboy. If I lost 20 more pounds, I’d be down to 2011 weight – the ones you see in the pictures deep in my album. At the rate its going, if I don’t start eating soon, maybe another two months? I want it to coincide with warm weather because, I find running absolutely freeing.

Off amazon, I bought a bunch of round little hippie sunglasses. I have some new running Berekeley shirts and I got some new headphones. Sunday, I painted my nails. I can’t let them grow long, but I painted them. Don’t know why. I was cleaning and found my nail polish and just did it. I think that I’m rewinding my clock to 2010. I’m not trying to forget Doug, or destroy/forget the feelings I have for him. Indeed, now when I think of the good times and those parts of him that were wonderful, I get to enjoy them. I get to have them be good feelings again. I think the sadness, the loss and mourning may be passing. I don’t quite know how to deal with that. I have feelings of guilt that I don’t mourn longer. Or that I don’t feel bad forever. But I like the feeling I can think of him and not have the weight of all the negative things hazing up everything. I can think of the negative things now, and not have any feeling – its almost clinical, the way I look at it. And now I know, because I tried it this morning, I can think of all the good things that Doug does have in him, and smile and feel good about it.

My habits are changing a bit. I used to listen to podcasts at work, and now its music. I think when my head stabilizes a bit, that will change a bit too. Everything is changing. It feels like its going too fast, but I think maybe this time, it can go a little faster than usual. Maybe this is the way its suppose to go.

Nov 27, 2017 8:57pm

Yeah, I have a couple things to say about this.

A) He’s not sorry he’s horrible. Not in the least. Otherwise, he would have tried to be better instead of double down on it.
B) No. He really didn’t love me. He told me this about a dozen times. If he did loved me, it was in a second tier sort of way. How do I know this? He told me. Over and over.
C) What I think of him? No. This is how you were Doug. And you know, I accepted it. But you said “FUCK YOU DUSTY” and then shit on me, humiliated me with the affair, made me feel like crap a lot of the time. But I still loved you. Supported you. Forgave you, time and time again. Tried like hell to make your life and your home better. And we had some good times. Not enough. But you got what you wanted now, so I’m not sure why you’re throwing up roadblocks.
D) What a coincidence I get this when I post about my lawyer appointment.
E) Notice this isn’t about anything but his own pain.
F) Hi Mark, you horrible little man…

Nov 27, 2017 9:42pm

One and half more days, and I’ll have WATER. Dear lord almighty, I’ve taken unlimited, unfetered access for water so for granted. I am going to be human again. A clean human with clean pets and a clean house.

Still hate the cold. But it could be worse, I could be in Kansas freezing my everloving-ass off. But, I have four giant fleshy space heaters that now want to sleep with me, on top of me and they are warm. And just a whole lot of love that literally smothers me and farts on me.

I have so many things I have to do, but things on my checklist are clicking off pretty fast now. New well, car thing, cleaning thing, bill thing, therapy thing, lawyer thing, and then a nice little respite from everything – just in time for the 10th anniversary of Ken’s death. GOOD TIMES. Yeah, now this whole little area of the calendar will be a horrendous dark anniversary of the worst times in my life. Now, I just need my dogs to die, one by one, till Christmas. If you want to know how to make a suicide or a suicide bomber, that’s a real close recipe for it.

Oh. You noticed. Yeah. It was a bullshit text Doug sent, probably from his girlfriend’s bedroom after he saw that I was going to see a lawyer. There wasn’t one true thing in it. Nobody does what he did to someone he loves, even in a best friend way. But then again I was a fool for accepting so much from him. Hell, if he would have just gave me an address to serve the goddamn divorce papers, there’d be no lawyers, and I would have went away. So, yet again, he caused all of this.

I’m just tired. Tired of giving so much and getting so little in return. There is no hope for a man who doesn’t even KNOW what he did, much less want to fix things. But he may just win a little in the end because it still takes three months to finalize a divorce, and if I want to do a no fault uncontested one? A fucking YEAR. He left me with shards and shit to handle. And still. It’s all about HIS hurt, HIS pain of being thought of as horrible. There is no hope. And this is a women who held out hope for him for SEVEN YEARS.

I was looking at some job postings around here, and just for shits and grins, at National Geographic, where Brooke, one of my former editors, got a job. I sent in my resume, just for fun. You never know, someone could have a stroke and have me in for an interview.

Been looking at the weather, and when I get water, I’m definitely going forth into the world and do SOMETHING. I either will try to run/walk in my new duds or go take pictures somewhere cool. Maybe Augusta. They have a skating rink/winter wonderland thing going on. I can’t skate so why not, let’s try.

Life is all of a sudden rushing at me. And even Jennifer Keller Vaz said she might go to the Mummies with me in Charlotte. That WOULD be fun.

I’m going to try and relax. Make the anxiety now that has tensed up every fucking muscle in my body.

Sigh.

Nov 28, 2017 4:32am

I was in such a good mindset just 12 hours ago. now I’m tired. I can’t sleep. my chest is tight and I can’t breathe. I was trying to do everything right. I was trying to be the better person. I had liked the idea that I had started to get past all the sadness and grief, that I could think about things with out the fog of agony.

Then the bullshit text.

So much selfishness, so much cluelessness, and so many lies in five sentences. I was pretty floored. He’s not a stupid man, so the text was probably an attempt at some sort of intervention to stop whatever escalation of legal action I was taking.

Christ, I hadn’t even done anything.

Some bullshit to save his ass. Probably written when he was drunk and from the bed of his girlfriend.

“But I get it” No. Not even a little. And you never will.

I’m tired and can’t sleep, so I’m going to work to try to plod through another day. Emotionally I’ve been yanked through hell, and the positive strides I’ve made seem to have dissolved this morning. Now I’m just tired. Numb. Cold. Overwhelmed.

••••

I just don’t understand. HE wanted this divorce. It all could have been handled, cheaply, quickly, with a minimal of Dusty Pain. It absolutely floors me what he’s doing. It all could have been over by now.

••••

Okay. Regaining my breath. Regaining my focus. Took an hour and 44 minutes but I’m starting to feel the positive again which is a godsend. I’m dealing with whatever that was yesterday. I’m really wondering why he just doesn’t try to move forward with his life – maybe this is moving forward? Trying to avoid some big legal battle? Surely he could just come to me and we can just discuss doing this in a better way – a mediation of some sort. But, he’s running scared and thinks that I think as he does, and that I let my ID run uncontrolled. I’m doing what I think is prudent. I’m getting counsel. I’ve been advised this is the best course of action, for me, and basically for the whole process. I’m not out to get anybody. I’m just out to protect my interests. And I am always open to a calm, serious discussion about the divorce and what is the way to do this so we both don’t get hurt. But no. I’m not dealing with one who thinks this way.

I’m trying to maintain some sense of perspective. I’m trying to act from a position of positivity. There is nuance and layers here that make up relationships and agreements, and that will be hard for him to think about since he is so black and white/defensive vs offensive minded.

But I’m back, I think. Shaken but not broken.

I feel better. Every skirmish makes me stronger.

Nov 28, 2017 7:36pm

Ask me. Go ahead. Ask me how I feel.

I’m over the moon.

Today, I just had good new after great news after fantastic news. I got the refund on the weird divorce papers I may have messed up, my company will make an exception to modify my benefits, and I’m not going to have to deal with Doug…possibly forever. AND I GET WATER TOMORROW!

I was driving home and it was weird. I started feeling… exhilarated. Every song on the radio I really wanted to hear. I was singing loud. And I realized, I was not miserable, for the first time in two months. I’m sitting here having the first beer in years that I’m having while I’m happy. I came into the house, the big black dog jumped on me, and my pants were so loose, she damn near stripped them off. I went to look in the mirror, and I was beautiful. My eyes were smiling and I then I couldn’t stop smiling. I realized another thing. There was no one around who was unhappily resenting me. No one around who was angry. There was noone here who hated me. There was only smiling eyes that were so happy to see me. And I’m almost to tears with the happy.

I didn’t see how the center of my world was to try and make an unhappy man happy. I didn’t realize how much energy and life force it took to deal with someone who resents you, who wishes he were someplace else. It’s heartbreaking to know it was me that kept him from finding what he wanted.

Today was good turn after good turn. I can’t remember when its been like that. It’s always been crisis after problem after resentment. Even when I had good turn, it was invariable followed with derision and criticism. But, I guess when your life isn’t what you want it to be, it spills out on to everything else.

You know how much despair one can carry when one tries to love someone who doesn’t love them? And you don’t even know your carrying it around. I remember all my energy went into making everything better. And it was never good enough. I wish I could have been something other than a resentment, something other than a weight he had to carry. I wish I wasn’t a regret for him. But. As for me. I will miss him more than I can bare, because there were good times (at least for me) and he was the one that I chose and the one I loved. And loved with all my heart and being. And, if we were being completely honest, I still love (almost every part – good and bad). I’ll never regret that.

Today, I felt lighter. I felt sad that this man couldn’t love this fabulously great women. One who loves life, sings in the sunshine and revels in joy. He couldn’t see the value in me, and when he couldn’t, I couldn’t. I came home, and saw so much more than I’ve seen in a long time. I saw the woman from 2010, only not isolated, not vunerable, able to enjoy the carpet ride.

I can’t WAIT for … well… tomorrow to come. Every tomorrow is going to be GREAT.

Nov 29, 2017 5:49am

Up. Needed to be up earlier, but, whaddayagonnado.

Still in a good mood. Still maintaining a good level. Kinda even amazed me. Looked through old pictures, so many old pictures of everything, Doug and the like. I remembered so many good times. I’m so glad it wasn’t a 7 years totally wasted. It wasn’t wasted for me, I can’t speak for him. I’m not sure what to do with it all. I guess I’ll just leave it be, until somebody else tells me to take it down. If his new whore demands it, I may consider it.

BIG WATER DAY!! I’m so excited. Usually, excitement like this is confined to weddings or pregnancy announcements. Looked at the scale today, and not going to give away the actual number but I lost another 2 lbs, making me about 10 lbs lighter than when I was in 2012. And 2010 was the height of poundage loss after Ken died. So. The weight I lost in the first 4 months after Ken died, I’ll be able to reach here in a month (2.5 months) so I’m being really really unhealthy here. Mandy and I figured a pound every two days. At first, I couldn’t eat because of stress and whatnot. I couldn’t look at food. It made me sick. Now. Well. I’m not hungry. The smell of food isn’t appealing at all. I, literally, choke down an apple in the morning and a 5 hour energy, then I have a large tea, and when I get home, choke down another apple or maybe a can of soup. I have to start eating again. I think I might develop an eating disorder. I’ve never had one before. But gaww. I need to eat. I need to eat.

If I start the exercise, maybe it will jump start my appetite. Or I’ll just start getting IVs of nutrition. I don’t know, but I need to start eating something. That’s the thing that’s just a little naggy thing now. So I don’t have the eating disorder yet because I’m aware that I need to eat? And that, my friends, is rationalization.

Anyway. Gots to lock my poor dogs up for about 5 hours. I hope they can hold their potties till I get home. But if they don’t, I’ll have water to clean it up wiff.

Nov 30, 2017 8:24pm

Dear god in heaven. What a day. Well. What a week, what a month, what a couple of months, what a seven year span.

Water. Is. Coming. They said they are going to hook it up tomorrow, so I’m going to wait for them and finally, this will be over. So over.

I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. Just fucking drained. I’ve been trying to keep an even keel and keep some perspective. It’s not easy, and I have failed a bunch of times. But I have no other choice other than to plod on.

I can now start to try and rebuild my shattered life. I’m doing it one challenge at a time, with some big loving dogs around me. I think I would actually have broken down and not gotten better had I not had these dogs. They have made this house feel like a sanctuary, a safe place, a home. This could have very easily become an empty shell full of memories and reminders of Doug, and could have been a giant momument to pain that I couldn’t have been able to bare to be in. I guess you could have argued that without the dogs, I could have done what Doug did. Run away to somewhere new and exciting. Christ, I probably couldn’t have done that either – to be alone and in agony in some new place. I have this little family and they have given me so much strength and love. It, along with my friends, old and new, have saved me from going down the rabbit hole and never coming out.

Like when Ken died, I just wanted to crawl into a ball, go to sleep and never wake up. But I had friends constantly demanding I face the world, and back then, I had four big dogs needing me. I was needed. I was needed to wake up. I was needed to move. I was needed to live. I was needed to continue.

I’ve probably did a lot of things that weren’t wise in the last two months, I probably didn’t do things right, and I probably need to be cut some slack. I had a lot happen. But I lost a life I valued very much, and a man I loved.

I stand, battered and bruised, but I still stand. And I am probably now going to finally feel like I’m making forward progress. I can do little things, I can do big things. I have to make some big decisions. I can seek vengence and pain, because I possess the power to do so, or I can forgive and move on – not for him, but for me. I really do wish Doug all the happiness that life can give him. I don’t see him being at any true peace anytime soon. I think he needs help. But I don’t think he will seek it. I pray he realizes he needs help. Before something really bad happens. Many have written him off, and “Doug’s gonna do what Doug’s gonna do.” I think I finally see Doug as a tragic ouroboros, where the same shadows and flickers repeat themselves – the same ghosts and demons will appear as they did many times before. He hates that I say he has demons. Well. I hate he has demons. If he can’t conquer them with me, I hope he finds the tools to conquer them, nonetheless.

Tomorrow is the start of something. And I am going to start that something with some new life lessons, a lot of fucking humility and hopefully, a shower. New well, new car, new body, new outlook.

Divorce Upward Climb

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