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GOING FORWARD

5 April 2018, 07:50

I have arisen. I feel like I’ve been asleep for two minutes. I am totally, thoroughly, emotionally and physically exhausted. But, I am in a better place now. Doug has proven to me that his presence in my life, no matter how fleeting, no matter in what form is just so toxic that it poisons everything. He’s better off being with THERE (pointing wildly) than anywhere here. Everytime I’ve tried to turn to him, even when we were together, it never went well. It never added to my life. The good times we had weren’t real, so all my good memories have been contaminated; all the things we went through together, I realize now, they shouldn’t have been so hard, it shouldn’t have been so difficult. Time after time, recalling and remembering things, there was a good bit of chaos created by him. I’m realizing, again, right now, I have a great deal to go through, and its hard, but its hard in a clean way. There are no undertones of failure, there are no extra chains dragging me down, it’s easier without him.

And that was one thing I never thought I’d think. One of my big worries was how was I going to navigate all this life alone. Yesterday, I realized, I wasn’t alone. So many people stepped up to try and help. And it’s going to be all right.

One other thing is I realize is that I never want to hear from Doug or his world ever again. It is all just lies. His house is made of lies. Even when he is apologizing to me, its just a lie. I don’t respect his friends, I don’t like most of them, I don’t fit in that world, and it is one that is dirty and staining on the psyche. He is comfortable there. I am not. Doug is not a good person, his instincts aren’t good ones, his actions aren’t those of a good person. He’ll gather those around to feed him self esteem and a slurry of emotional fuel, and they will FEED the beast inside him instead of truly making him a better person. They probably don’t realize the return fuel they get from him isn’t real either. I have never seen one true relationship he’s had. One where it isn’t some staged performance on his part, whether they realize it or not. I saw it first hand in the texts he did with his whore. Weaved into the conversation, I saw she was thinking she was being close with her lover, and the words he was saying to her were mine I had said to him, some of it word for word. He is a shadow of a form, a mirror image without substance. And. Well. Bless his heart. It has worked for him.

I’m not a perfect person, but I’m pretty close. And I’m self aware. And I’m always trying to be better. Sometimes I fail, some times I succeed, but it’s alway an honest path I walk. There is solid matter behind my visage, and strength behind my being.

So.

Today. I need a car.

Today. I realize that I need to cut that part of my life away that was the last seven years as if it were a cancer.

Today. I realize none of it is worth salvaging. That makes me sad.

But today, is, as always a new day. If you stumble, you get right back up and try again.