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4 April 2018, 13:45

Yes. To the left, this is what I drank in the last HOUR. I’m not even lying. I’ve had that and two handfuls of almonds.

Yes. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Yes. I know I have no right to feel this way, and I’m really pretty sad that I can’t pull this together and be a better person.

Yes. I am a basketcase, a horror show, and pathetic.

Yes. I know the following is a self indulgent, self pitying rant.

Yes. I know most of its not Doug’s fault. It’s like faulting a trash compactor for squashing your hand when you put it in there.

Yes. This may or may not stay public.

Yes. If you fuck with a girl who knows SEO very well, you WILL be internet famous. Or at least, you should fear Google.

This is to Doug Waddell.

I’m pretty fucked up, and mostly your fault. Well, its not really. You were an obviously broken and selfish/self entitled individual when I met you. I should have ran. I shouldn’t have stayed with you.

So really. This is my fault. I’m my own architect of my own unhappiness. That first little bit, the first couple of years. The first couple of horrendous years that you would continually debased me, insult me and pine for your past girlfriend – I should have ran. Half of my brain said, “FUCK GO, RUN, RUN, RUN.” The insults to my intelligence, the insults to my looks, the almost constant bashing/elevating of your exes, the massive amount of drinking, the self indulgent wallowing were enough to send anybody with half a brain running, screaming into the other direction. What you did to Jennifer – both of them – was inexcusable. You said you loved [insert name here], when you didn’t even know how to love yourself. You were self loathing and turned it against the world, turned it against the people who cared about you. Your FAMILY, your ‘girls’, your friends, what you did to them was deceitful, selfish, and cruel. You were cruel for no reason. You were untruthful for no reason. You were hurtful for no reason.

And. I lied to myself. I didn’t think I deserved anything better. It was easier to stay with you and not believe I was a better person. That would entail thinking I was a good person, risking someone saying I wasn’t. It was easier staying with you. I was a good person by comparison. And. Honestly, I thought I was good enough, I thought I was smart enough, I thought I was strong enough, to give you the gift of allowing you to change in to a better person.

The scraps you tossed me, I worked for. The basic connection I was grateful for when I deserved so much more. The denigration I got, I allowed. To this day, I reflect and I see all the ways I failed myself. I let such a person as yourself reduce me. I got smaller as to fit into your world. Your small, meaningless, hurtful world. Of that, I am ashamed. Of that, I will be ashamed till I die, that I allowed myself to be reduced, to be abused, to be made tiny by you, so you could feel bigger. Get as many people as you like to say “you’re a good guy” – sometimes you tell the wall what the wall needs to hear. Sometimes you tell the wall what it needs to hear just to get it to shut the fuck up.

I thought so many times, “hey, its a change for the better” when I though you had grown a little as an individual. When I thought you had developed some sort of compassion or empathy – or SOME sort of moral fiber. When you had grown up, I thought. You didn’t. You had neither the strength nor the willingness to be a better person. You still don’t have the fortitude to even examine what has happened or what will happen.

You have neither the intelligence nor caring to see what is happening to those around you.

You have neither the acceptance nor the remorse to understand and mourn the pain and suffering others are enduring upon your behalf.

Because, after all. It is all about you.

I’m almost for sure in thinking that the point of all this is to hurt other people for you. Because you could have gotten all you wanted without gutting my life, without hurting me, without destroying someone else. But you chose to do all this, so I think it makes it all sweeter for you to know you were able to hurt someone so badly. It makes you feel better when someone else feels pain that you have caused.

In my darkest times, you have gone out of your way to make them worse. You have gone out of your way to hurt and steal from people who love you. You have repaid kindness and caring with pain and suffering.

Go ahead. Become defensive. It doesn’t matter. You will go on to hurt others. You KNOW what sort of person I am. You know the integrity and generosity of my spirit. You know the strength and conviction of which I go through life with. (hanging preposition, I know). And still. Tell yourself whatever you need to so you can sleep well at night. Surround yourself with people that tell you the same. Ones who don’t know you, ones who have, themselves, disguised you in the cloaks of what they want out of you, and finally, ones (Mark) who keep you as a pet, as a bolster to their own world of which they can’t afford to lose. You will always be his friend as long as you toe his line, suck his cock, and be his foil of which of he can measure himself superior. Your family will take care of you because you are a failure of a person, and you are their family and they love you. Again, I guess. You’d be their pet.

You continually reach out to hurt me because it gives you sense of pleasure and bolsters a dragging ego. You are the unique individual that gets self esteem from the diminution of others. Good luck with that in life. I have suffered and continue to suffer to this hour for my own sympathies and lack of strength in dealing with you. This isn’t your fault. You have neither the intelligence nor capacity to gut my life as you have. I, sadly, only allowed you to do so. For that I am truly ashamed and am suffering for my own weaknesses now.

But, because you didn’t have the balls to leave sooner, because you gutted my life, tore out my trust from my body, ripped any sort of humanity from me, took EVERYTHING from me, made me financially and mentally weak, I sit here, scared of what’s going to happened to me. Because it’s all about you. Congratulations, not only did you get what you want, you destroyed a person who was dumb enough to care in the first place. I, myself, am awed by your gile. Must make life taste sweeter these days for you. I do thank you, for the snarky, bullshit text “Your Welcome”. It puts you into focus as the wounded, selfish, hurtful child that you are.

I’m going to have a cry, another beer, and plod on….