| Now |

JOY

26 November 2018, 12:48

It’s one of those moments I want to bump all the dark stuff off. Because today, was joyous. Or maybe relief.

Everything, for a brief tiny moment, is right with my world.

Everyone (one in particular) who I care about has gone through the fire to come out, relatively unscathed, grateful, happy and, I pray, a lot wiser. All this turmoil that has been suffered has lessons attached that shouldn’t go unheeded. I hope the turmoil gives self awareness to those who have gotten through it. I’m just happy he’s received this break, and that he makes it count. We’ll see. But, the resolution has given me a lighter load and a better outlook on everything.

And those who gave counsel and cautions during this time to me, they did NOT go unnoted. I have taken all your words to heart, and I hope you feel comfort in knowing, I did not shout down the better angels in my head that were saying the same as you. Hopefully, my faith and belief in him will be validated.

And yeah. I’m still distrustful of the upturn my life has taken. Massively distrustful that maybe the rug will be pulled out from under me, and I will have found out I’ve made mistakes… again.

But. I feel that, again, I am stronger, and that, again, I have gained a tiny bit of wisdom.

So. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more… I am again, enthusiastic about my life.

I have been set free, in that I am seriously considering a change, seriously listening to my career calling for change. Maybe a change of scenery? I have been playing it safe and scared for a while now. I need to look at things without the fear, to see where my path leads.

I have been blessed to have the company of someone who makes me feel new, fresh, challenged, crazy, scared, thinking, beautiful and wanted. I think I want to explore this and see where it goes. Might lead to someplace wonderful. Might lead nowhere. But I’m interested and not fearful into maybe walking the path and not fretting where it goes. Well. If he’d want that, too.

I have noticed, when you remove some of this darkness from my eyes, that I realize I have become a bit stronger, and I did succeed somewhat, in thinking the right thoughts, and having the right judgment when it was called for. I am stronger in the trust of my own judgment. And that should be attributed, in no small part, to the cadre of voices who helped me trust myself.

I have faith in that everything is growing better, is progressing, and I am too.

I wanted to replace the last two with this little ditty. Brian Johns says we are on a rollercoaster and just hanging on screaming. I guess we are doing it, sometimes in fear, sometimes in exhilaration, sometimes its the only thing we can do.

I really was hoping some enlightenment would be spilling out at this point, but I can only really think of two salient thoughts at the end:

I hope I did the right thing. And good goddamn, am I relieved, or what?