| Now |

GOBBLE

25 November 2018, 09:19

Another holiday has come and gone. My favorite one. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite out of this end gauntlet of holiday hell. My holidays have always SUCKED SO BAD. (right now, as I type, I’m listening to the poor neighbors dog bark because its outside in the cold and its not happy). This year wasn’t so bad in some ways and worse in others.

I think last year I spent a little Turkey time without water, and at least a day of it in an hotel room getting really potted on Bass Ale, discovering the nirvana of a shower you can lay down in. I was newly alone, and newly wounded. I had no thanksgiving dinner or anything (I can’t remember), I can’t recall if someone brought over some food for me or what. It wasn’t the best of times. But for all the times in these last 7 years, there probably were only one or two “traditional” Thanksgivings that were joyous and pleasant for me.

This year, I spent with someone special, but we forgot to cook and there is so much that is bad going on right now – it put a dark shadow on the day. It still was warm and nice to spend it with a smile and the little joy we could find. But for whatever its worth, this shadow will be vanquished soon and thusly will return, the ordinary amount of anxiety, fear and loathing that makes up the day. I worry for me, I worry for him, I worry for dogs, I worry for those I know, I worry for those I love. So, should it be called Worrygiving? We both know its going to eventually get better. We both also know, its going to get REAL FUCKING SUCKY HERE, REAL FUCKING FAST. But then after that, it should start an upward rise to better.

But here’s the list of what I’m thankful for this year.

  • Dogs. Duh. I would be institutionalized if it weren’t for the dogs.
  • Work. The work I have now, and the ability to get work in the future.
  • Home. I have a home that feels like a home. It has the ones that I love, and, well, my stuff.
  • Friends. I have made the most valuable friends from the most unlikely places. Friends (Renee) that are growing closer with every moment I share with them. The friends I lost this year due to the change in me, I mourn, but the friends I gained, I truly treasure.
  • Tenacity. Shit. To keep going when I don’t have the strength to. Add some self delusion that things will be all right, and you got yourself a nice little cocktail of “get on with it” juice.
  • Him. It’s been wonderful and scary and eye opening getting to know him. We grow closer each day. Things get better each day. And I’m learning how to properly navigate, again, this type of relationship.
  • Old friends, such as Anna, Brian, Marisa, Robert, Greg, Sam, Kelly, Krista – just a ton more than I “see” everyday, and it comforts me and gives me a reason to smile and get through the day when I might not have enough.
  • New friends, Jennifer, Bonnie, Helen, to whom this year are helping me be and think and act BETTER, WISER, STRONGER.
  • Chalkline, Charlie’s, Pawmetto, etc. All the little things that have given me a bigger world and some different joys.
  • My car. I love my car. really. a lot. so. so much.

    That’s about it for this year. You all looked like you had the most wonderful Holidays and that DOES fill me with a lot of happy.

    Homestretch until 2019… well. fuck.

    •