NOW WHAT
26 May 2018, 07:06
I feel like I’ve been ran over by a car. Hangovers suck donkey balls.
It’s done. I faced my demon, and he hurt me one last time. And now it’s done. I’m left with questions I’ll never have answers to and this large wound of hurt and betrayal that was reopened by the fact that he had been cheating all along. What is goddamned funny to me is that all this time, seven years, I had been suspicious and questioning and he self righteously chastise me for being controlling and jealous. He made my life nothing. And, well, fuck. I didn’t stop him.
So now. I’m in unfamiliar territory. There is no more fight left, which is good because there is no more fight left in me. There is nothing really to tackle. There is nothing to be scared of or angry at. I feel sick and empty. But. Now what?
It’s really not like anything is going to change. Because the life building and self improvement started for me a long time ago. I think I started blossoming when I got the job in Augusta. I just started working toward goals, doing the right things, making the good decisions, and I have to admit, distancing myself from Doug. He always said if only he had the chance, he be this ROCKSTAR. Well. I backed off and let him stand on his own. Make his own decisions. Let him try to succeed on his own. He had that chance. He failed. He failed SPECTACULARLY.
I just realized I don’t ever have to hear that “I’m a ROCKSTAR!!” bullshit again.
I feel nothing right now. Just sick and empty. And tired. I’m letting crisis mode fade away, I keep saying this big world has opened up for me, but in truth, nothing really changed. This big world has always been open to me, and I have been building a substantial life, even when Fuckwit was here. It’s kind of anticlimatic now – its all pretty much done, and nothing changed, there was no big epiphany. I just will keep on keeping on.
Trying to let it all fade a bit, and I want to go back to sleep for a while. I wish I had some eureka moment or some flash of enlightenment, or a new sense of joy and excitement, but I don’t. There’s just nothing, right now.
