TIRED
20 November 2018, 09:20
I’m tired in every part of my body. I have a nagging anxiety twisting up my stomach and no matter what I try to do to rid myself of it, I can’t. It’s squeezing my torso and the base of my skull. Tried reading, tried podcasts, tried all sort of distraction. I know what’s causing most of it but there’s a vague sense of tension there and making itself known.
I’m reading many entries from the past 4 years. They are about me, but I know they aren’t reflective of the total reality of back then. I have fuzzy memories of how I felt and what was really going on that I couldn’t tell anyone. It was a secret. Small secret shames. Small secret sadnesses. With no end and no form. I think one day in 2016, I wrote some truth but then buried it so no one would see – only ran across it recently and made it public. I’ve been going over a lot of events and memories from the last 10 years. I don’t know why I’m doing it. It’s not solving problems or providing me answers or even giving me comfort. I’m searching for something. Maybe a feeling or time where I felt happy. I’m sure there were moments that I was in a perfect sphere of happy and joy, I guess these days I am blind to where I’ve kept these memories or I can’t touch that feeling that is now existing in another world for me.
Right now, I see what could be happy, sitting a little beyond my reach. I don’t know if it IS happy. I’m hesitant to risk the fall to reach and grab for it. I risk the fall, grab for it and find out it was all just a mirage.
Right now, its so cold. Cold makes me sad, it makes me sleepy, it brings out depression and anger in me and I fight it everyday. I have a high default level for happy usually but lately I haven’t been bouncing back to that and it worries me. And I feel ill at ease in just about every situation now.
Right now, I can’t plan. I can’t control. I can’t steer. And I can’t predict anything. Though this is a normal situation for a big hunk of the population, this inability to take a hold of things, this lack of control of my situation, really takes a toll on me. The stress of it is actually taking a physical bite out of me.
Right now, I feel weak. Just feel shame that I’m not stronger at all of this. At life, at plugging away. I’m getting through it all in a wonky and haphazard way and I am not happy about that. I know sometimes its just about getting through things, but I can’t help but feel I’m failing at this.
Right now, I feel more fear than anything else. Fear of doing something wrong. Fear of making my situation worse. Fear of falling into another trap like the one I was in for a decade. Fear of being happy. Fear of trying to love. I’m in a cage of my own making and I’m afraid to leave the safety of it.
Right now, I miss laughing. I more reserved and morose than I use to be. I’m more… sad and its not because of anything. It’s just a layer that has been added to my personality. I pray to god, it’s just temporary.
Right now, I could use some good news or a vacation.
Right now….. here’s a list of the positive.
I just have this fear, and I can’t get rid of it. Low level and constant. I don’t smile as much as I use to. I still have constant clickity clack and lately I was a tiny bit open to maybe trying to medicate some of that away. I felt like writing but I just don’t have anything I CAN write about publically.
Trying to think of humorous content, or touch the funny I have buried somewhere deep.
Hope I find it soon.
