FEAR
25 November 2018, 08:57
It’s a strange thing to write about for me. I want to write less about darker things and go back to penning funny prose about overflowing septic tanks and hellish cats who won’t take their meds. But. It seems that this is foremost on my mind – whether I’m actually in the grips of this or pondering it as a concept or wondering about it in others.
I’ve known a lot of fear. Especially this year and last. It has changed and morphed from abject terror to low level anxiety to sharp pointed panic. It has come, gone, stayed and was kicked out. And the sources have changed.
These days, I have my own fears to contend with but, I’ve volunteered to carry a little of the burden of someone else. Someone I’ve grown to care about very deeply, a feeling I’m trying to keep in line and couch in reality so that I don’t become engulfed in the temporary torrents of his life like they were my own. That’s the current lesson I’m trying to learn. I can’t take on someone’s else burden, and subsequently absorb their total fear state. So. I’ve been fighting to keep positive, and look at the big picture he does not see. Where he sees ruination and despair, I see a temporary dip in life. Where I see a stop sign, he sees a giant rock wall. Where I have hope, he has none. Where I see strength in him to get through this temporary torrent, he only feels the fear. And I don’t blame him, really. If I were in his shoes right now, I would feel the way he does. Although the difference would be, I’ve lived LONG enough to know this is a fleeting, very small part of his life. It will be over in a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things, although at the time, it will feel like he’s mired in it forever.
I have some irrational fears I’m dealing with myself. Fears about my future, fears about my finances (this is just a constant thing that won’t abide). I’m currently indulging my fear in trying to make some different choices, find a different path. I’m INVITING and maybe STARTING the change of which I fear. Changing parts of your life that don’t require changing at the moment is… stupid? I’m trying to change my course out of fear. I am trying to change my course to regain some control (or at least some feeling of control) over my direction again.
For better or worse, the divorce event changed me. It changed all the things I had. Work, home, friends, feelings. Some changed for the worse and I don’t think I can get back the things as they were before. Some changed for the better… I guess.
This is all very vague I know. I wish I could be a tad more specific. The irony is I CAN be more specific about my dilemmas and fears AFTER they’ve all been resolved – so the advice I seek from the internet void is moot at best even before I can finish this entry.
Fear. Right now, in my head, I know it is a necessary emotional state. But I can’t for the life of me, think of the positive aspect of it. I’ll probably be googling a ton of Psychology Today, finding comfort in research and the clinical whats and whys. But it doesn’t make it go away, or make it better, or make the pain I feel for others I see gripped in its talons any less to handle.
I, myself, just know, that the causes are ever changing, and temporary. So MY fears are not my masters.
