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HOPE

6 April 2018, 11:26

I’m pretty un-miserable right now. I’m hopeful. I’m actually kind of excited about getting things back on track.

So. Yeah. The Volvo gave up the ghost. It died in a most familiar way. Apparently Volvos in my possession would rather commit suicide than be my car. I’m sad to see my Volvo go, and it hurts more than you would think losing a car would. I REALLY LIKED that car. It was MY first big purchase after Doug left and it represented a lot. It got me to Asheville, it brought me home safely, and it helped me FLY on sunny days. It was the last dual decision we made together, me buying this car. He looked it over, and pronounced it a good car, and I bought it.

I can’t fucking believe it though. TWO Volvo S40s in 6 months, blowing head gaskets. And with this car, I was so paranoid – I watched the gauges, I checked the fluids and oil, I had it serviced… and honestly, if I had 3k, I would probably try to get it fixed again.

But. Right now, there’s a car being worked on by my friend and mechanic that is going to take the place of it. It’s a decent 2004, with new tires and altenator he put on it. He’s giving it a good go over, changing the oil, but he is confident that it is a good, decent car, and he is giving it to me at a really low price with some creative scheduling on how I’m paying him. I’ll have a more than decent car that will be paid for at the end of this week. It’s a black car, and I like black cars. It’s American, but I guess I’ll deal with that. It gets 26/37 miles to a gallon. And it will be mine, and totally paid for, by the end of next week.

I had a rabbit hole moment that lasted about three days. I really was scared and desperate and thought I had no one to turned to. I even texted Doug, and that just exascerbated that feeling, that feeling no one was there for me. But I was so wrong. I want to take this moment to thank the people that make my life blessed.

  • Karen, Mickey, Cher, Jennifer and Mandy (and work, in general): The whole attitude coming from my employment is “are you all right”, “don’t worry about things here, you do what gotta you do”, and “your valued.”

  • Renee Barrett, my landlady: She has gone above and beyond, WAY beyond what she should to make sure I’m all right. She was/is always willing to work with me. She sympathizes, empathizes and, more and more, seems like family to me. I couldn’t have made it through the last 5 months without her.

  • Billy and Solomon: Billy is my mechanic who was always there to help and assist. He is the architect of the solution to my problem right now, and he really is a GOOD and DECENT person. Solomon is the dealer guy next to my mechanic, Billy, and he has offered to help if things fall through. He has seen me in his office TWICE now, blubbering and being angry and crazy. He’s always been sympathetic and helpful.

  • Bonnie and Jenn: When my world was falling apart and my reality was going way off kilter, you guys were there to bring me back to life, restore hope and esteem to me, and give me the truth. It was truths that set me free and allowed me to move forward. I can’t ever repay you enough, but I hope that I can always at least try and repay the gifts you gave to me with the same. Man. It’s like I’m ALWAYS thanking you guys. But then again, you all keep saving my sanity.

So far, I pulled all of this out of the ditch I think. I am amazed that this happened to me, but then I’m so amazed that I got through it and the boat looks like its going to be righted.

I swear to god, I don’t understand why things like this are just randomly happening. But, hell and damn, I think I got through it.